We Only Want What We Can't Have
by Alex Carnevale
The Office
NBC, returns in April
The list of actresses who are so thoroughly absorbed in the character they play that they will never be successful in another role grows longer by the day. Any moment now Ryan Seacrest will become a douchebag. Another example would be Hillary Clinton. Yet another example would be the magnificent creature that is Julia Louis-Dreyfus, although she has bucked that trend somewhat by starring in the masterful epic The Old Adventures of New Christine.
trying too hard to prove she's bosomy
Jenna Fischer, who plays the meek secretary Pam Beasley, pretty much lost us when she started being a dick to Toby, but the whole Roy relationship didn't help either. The inferior British Office was smart to finish up with the English Jim and Pam's hot makeout.
We are living the future of this decision, when two uglifying forces hold hands during a walk for charity, or peck at each other behind the desk of poverty. The whole point to the Gervais and Merchant Office is that the two would leave this sad paper factory and pursue a new life as artists, or failing that, actors.
Fischer herself is only kind of hot. She consistently wants to be so unerringly cute that it makes us super nauseous, especially in the mornings. She is the female personification of an over-sweetness, a desire to be cute instead of actually interesting, that we despise with every fibre of our being.
the couple from hell
OK, that's as mad as I can get about Jenna Fischer without showing you this nauseating Playboy interview. Does she think she's Yoko Ono or something?
On keeping her The Office character Pam “authentic”: “To keep Pam authentic, I’ve held back from doing some things. I haven’t had my teeth whitened. I haven’t gotten porcelain veneers. And you’ll notice other things if you look carefully. I don’t get Mystic Tan treatments, for example, or any of that stuff. I need to keep it real so Pam can always look like a believable girl, not suddenly all plasticky like a movie star.”
Oh you mean like this?
jenna and a betch
On rhyming her name with vagina: “The problem was I was registered in school under the name Regina Fischer, so in the first homeroom every year they would call out ‘Regina Fischer’ and I’d be like, ‘It’s Jenna.’ But one day in fifth grade we had a substitute teacher. She was going down the roster, and she said, ‘Reg-eye-na.’ So all the kids on the school bus that day called me Reg-eye-na Vagina. But that was the only time. No permanent scarring.”
"Dead Right" - Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin (mp3)
i'm getting a little tired of amy poehler too, i think if i have to pick her or will arnett i'm going with GOB
On losing an Emmy: “Rainn Wilson and I refer to ourselves as Emmy-losing actors. We’ll be on set in a scene, and I’ll be like, ‘Seriously everyone, be quiet — Emmy-losing actor about to work.’ Maybe everyone should have something like that. Did you win the fifth-grade spelling bee? You can go with whatever your highest achievement is. That should precede your name at all times.”
she stole this dress from the juno costume closet
On sharing a personal secret that is past its expiration date: “One night when I was young I came home wearing a pair of boxers, and I claimed I was at my friend Ellen’s house. I was at a boy’s house, and they were his boxers. So there. My parents can read that and ground me.”
On making People magazine’s 100 most beautiful celebrities in 2006: “I was so tickled by that because I loved the ‘Most Beautiful’ issue when I was a little girl. I got it every year. I still have one with Julia Roberts on the cover, because I was just oh so excited. Now I think I’m going to put it in my movie contract that they have to call me ‘37th Most Beautiful Person 2006, Emmy-losing actress Jenna Fischer.’”
On being a wild youth: When I was a high school senior, I used to work at Long John Silver's. I had to wear a visor. If I wanted to stay out, I would tell my parents that I had to close. My curfew was midnight, but we closed at 1:30 in the morning. Then I'd get off at 10:30 and I'd go out with my boyfriend until 1:30.
the real Pam. she works in your office and desires your sperm
One night, I got home at 2:30, and I wasn't wearing my work uniform. I walked in the door wearing boxers and a T-shirt. It was summer. My dad came downstairs and said, "Where have you been?" I used to sleep in boxers and a T-shirt, so this wasn't so unusual. I said, "Oh, I just had to go out to my car and get my work uniform because I spilled malt vinegar on it and I have to work in the morning. I need to throw it in the washer."
"Oceanographer" - Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin (mp3)
my necklace is pointing WHERE EXACTLY?
My dad said, "So if I go outside and touch the hood of your car it's not going to be warm, huh?" I was like, "Ummm...yeah it is.... Okay. Here's what happened. After work, my friend Ellen was really upset so I drove over to her house and, Dad, you don't understand because she was really upset because her boyfriend was so mean to her." I did this whole waterworks display, about "You can't keep me from my best friend and I didn't want to call because it was already one o'clock." Then for some reason I offered the information, "And the reason I'm wearing these boxers and a T-shirt is because Ellen let me borrow them. They're hers."
isn't my expression so funny isn't it isn't it isn't it
He was like, "Whatever. You're grounded."
I got it. It made sense. I accepted it. Of course, they took the car keys. Where am I gonna go? That's what happens when you get caught. What I learned was be better about it next time so you don't.
ah yes how i remember the thrill of only being validated by men
Now you have experienced the full volume of Jenna Fischer's life experience. We have had you, Jenna, and we no longer want you in the same way. We have realized that the only enjoyable part of the affair was the wanting, and the having doesn't measure it up to its many thrills, seen and unseen. We wanted you, we want you no longer. We don't need you, we wanted to need you. Now we don't even want you, not even if you want us. It's over.
Please tune into this space tomorrow, where we continue to do the important work of destroying the respect you had for everyone you used to admire.
Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording.
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Bringing you hope in this transitional month.
Owen went to Maui to kick his habit.
