This Recording

Christmas Times One Billion

by Alex Carnevale

By now you know all about the Portia-Ellen wedding. It is comparable to the moment in The 40 Year Old Virgin when he bangs Catherine Keener. It is the Andrew Sullivan wedding photoset times one million. It is the paper bag floating around in American Beauty while you're simultaneously googling yourself.

It is the California Raisins Christmas special while your mom hands you a Super Nintendo before any of your friends have it. It is the way Don Draper's penis feels in your vagina, except it is two blond lesbians getting married.

If you haven't seen it:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUr8YFmOw-Q]

We have to assume Portia's going to be the vessel because the former Amanda Lee Rogers is just 35 while Ellen is 50. Handicapping the contest to be Portia's baby daddy:

5 to 1: Tom Brady. Brady's already reproduced, but it's not like he has anything else to do for the next year. We are begging someone to come up with a Jack Brady fansite. How mad is Gisele that she has to pretend to like Bridget Moynahan's son?

12 to 1: Mickey Rourke. Could his titular role in Darren Aronofsky's The Wrestler catapult him to copulate with Portia in the original Battle of the Blondes? No.

6 to 1: David Cross. What a feel good cross promotional tool for the coming Arrested Development movie! Plus, whatever offspring comes of his current pairing, it will probably be a bald, unemployed comedy writer anyway - might as well take a shot with Ellen and Portia. Frankly, I wouldn't say no to Bob Odenkirk's sea men either.

3 to 1: Clint Eastwood. Have you jackasses ever seen this picture? You don't walk to get this man's jam in a jar, you RUN.

32 to 1: Danish Aziz. After my dad met Danish, he asked me, "why does that kid say alt-bro so much?" Danish is reportedly available. The fact that he can't tell Lez from Hetero means that he's the perfect choice for your neighborhood sperm receptacle.

8 to 1: Ryan Seacrest. Perfect tabloid father with a growing business and superior motivation to become the next Dick Clark, plus short kids cost less money in clothes and food. (Fact.) More importantly he may never get another chance to have a Ryan Seacrest production.

spinning space celebrity couples

As we have said before, a culture is defined by its celebrity couples. In fact, interstellar relations largely consists of expressing adulation for the celebrity couples of another planet. Why do you think the entire Pegasus galaxy is in the tank for Obama?

Currently there are a large number of Threat Level Five celebrity couples. This is causing problems in our negotiations with the gelatinous people of lower Neptune, and it's making Veronica Mars fans puke their lunches up.

Does Tom Brady's ACL make him unable to bring Gisele to climax? This is a dark possibility. Is Matt Cassel able to fill in there? How much would that sex tape go for?

the divorce watch for kim and reggie bush is on and they haven't even gotten married yet

Football pairings induce mass panic in the good Tsonian people of Zeblon IV. At the rate that Kim Kardashian's ass is expanding, it may end up pissing off Mars as well. She no doubt whispers in his ear during intercourse, "Reggie, this is way better than when I banged Ray J in my video, honest!" and reassuring him that his inadequacy in fantasy football hasn't translated into the bedroom or the quality of their long talks.

The most important part of any coupling is communication. In other words, you're probably in love with whoever you like talking to the most. And I'm sorry but I'm about a hundred percent sure the Mac guy doesn't like talking to Kirsten Dunst, he just likes having anemically-thin naked touching with her and telling all his friends about it. He's the first person to be able to compare sex with Drew Barrymore and Kirsten Dunst, but he damn sure won't be the last.

michelle williams und spike jonze

As much as we like to imagine that Kirsten only kisses upside down, more serious concerns lurk in the Spike Jonze-Michelle Williams coupling. At a bar recently, the Post reported that Jonze told several of his friends, "She's dumb but she's hot," which is the same thing Levi Johnston told his hockey buddies before his fiance tore into another box of Twinkies and moose biscuits.

he's great with kids

When you are smarter than your other, a knowing gap slowly expands between the two of you. You might comment absentmindedly about a Hipster Runoff tumblr post, and your other will be like, "I didn't know Carles had a tumblr," and your estimation of your partner will shrink as you flush with embarrassment.

Research has proven that individuals of a similar IQ level seek each other out, a fact that doesn't seem to have made its way to Tony Romo's entourage.

At this point in the offseason-long relationship, and after Jessica's stop-and-start performance at the VMAs, you have to believe that Tony is officially in, "How in God's name do I get out of this single and with a Super Bowl Ring?" territory. If he and Terrell Owens ever really got together, they could out-Ellen Ellen. For my female readers who are unaware of this priceless videoclip, we replay the greatest postgame speech in NFL history:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNO6On7cK1M]

Hollywood isn't the only place with couples famous to me. Tumblr's very own Nabokov, pocketnovel flew to NY for some intra-tumblr love that turned into a lengthy sobfest for fellow tumblhead Peter W. Knox. Referred to as 'the boy' on pocketnovel.tumblr.com, a shot of Knox's Astoria subway stop got the rumor brewing that Knox was 'the boy.'

some of the activites knox and pocketnovel presumably engaged in

Embarrassed by his public outing, Knox shrank from pocketnovel's touch, as she continuously updated her blog all night as she cried in his bed. Where is a Kevin Smith adaptation of this heartening true story? This moment surely deserves cinematic embodiment from the likes of Andrew Bujalski at the very least!

Let me get back to Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell for a second. Since I only want what I can't have, it really angers me that Kristen Bell is now saying that I can get with her if I tried hard enough. What if Corey Feldman is going to kill himself and improve the world immeasurably, and he starts reading this post, and he's like, "I won't take my own life because I should at least give Kristen Bell a call first"?

This is the butterfly flapping its wings theory of celebrity couples, formulated when Bruce Willis went on vacay with Ashton and Demi, and suddenly 9/11 happened. That's correct: celebrity couplings caused 9/11, and John Mayer dumping Jennifer Aniston appears to have indirectly caused Obama to call Sarah Palin 'a pig' and lose this election for the Democrats.

Was it worth it John Mayer, you greasy fuck?

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording.