Sports Corner: Pass the Pigs

by George Ducker

There are a handful of ways to parse out Clemson's loss to the Alabama Crimson Tide on Saturday night in front of a mortifyingly large Prime Time audience.

Firstly, the Tigers have a sad and sappy history of losing the big games.

"And In His Eyes, I Saw Death," Ejnar Nielsen

Secondly, the highly touted Clemson offense rushed like blind men on the field for a whopping game total of 28 yards.

Not blind. Perhaps even an Alabama fan.

Thirdly, in the Dueling Paychecks Bowl, we found out who's worth more of your college tuition.

"Got Money" - Li'l Wayne (mp3)

This year Nick Saban will make $3,750,000. Tommy Bowden will make $2,250,000. Give or take.

If you go here, you can weigh your salary against Saban's with a handy internet calculator.

Cullen Harper

My theory contends that Clemson suffered a noted loss in morale due to the closing of Seneca strip club Tiger Tails. Word is not out on whether Cullen Harper or C.J. Spiller spent much time in the club's warm embrace, but one has to wonder if perhaps it should re-open, at least for the duration of the season.

Tiger Tail

The postage-stamp sized East Carolina pulled off a pretty handy upset against #17 Virginia Tech when T. J Lee blocked a punt and ran it in for a touchdown with less than two minutes remaining. Not quite the Appalachian State smearing of #3 ranked (I think) Michigan last year, but good and embarrassing nonetheless.

"It Was a Pleasure Then" - Nico (with Velvet Underground) (mp3)

“There’s no excuse for that,” Coach Frank Beamer said of Lee’s block.

There's kinda no excuse either for "Beamer's" forgetting the name of his brand new granddaughter while talking to ESPN sportscasters before that very game.I'd like to think she got her tiny revenge.

Say mah name betch

The Missouri Tigers' 52-42 win over Illinois pleased me greatly.

Derrick Washington, Mizzouligans

The USC Trojans' win Saturday which, of course, was unsurprising by anyone's standards, also pleased me greatly. But I'm at a loss to explain why.

I hate USC fans, generally. They bought up all the tickets to every game this season and they probably did it back in January or something. Rumors swirl at this very moment regarding the installation of a small landing strip behind the Coliseum, near the Natural History Museum, so that season ticket holders can park their private jets.

"Money Love" - Slim Smith (mp3)

Pleasant Pete

I have this notion, though, that Pete Carroll is a grand football robot in the tradition of Vince Lombardi, just on a collegiate scale. Apparently he only sleeps four hours a night and drives around the South Side of Los Angeles in a van trying to keep kids out of trouble. It don't think Vince did any of this, but he did wear sharp suits. Bring the suits back, people.

Pernicious Pete

And, in tennis...

I know at least one gentleman in New York who might already have an inkjet of this up on the wall.

Tiger Tail

Apparently, Rafael Nadal has already had second thoughts about bearing the bosoms for his (nonetheless) grateful public.

"Could Be Worse" - Eef Barzelay (mp3)

It could be worse, dammit. Rafa could have been like American tennis dude James Blake, who lost to another American tennis dude Mardy Fish on Saturday. Now Blake has to fulfill his obligations as Fish's groomsman. Incidentally, Fish is marrying Stacey Gardener, of TV's Deal Or No Deal.

"Folios" - The New Year (mp3)

Serbian Jelena Jankovic beat Denmark's Caroline Wozniack on Sunday

And lastly, every single human on the planet deserves to know that Cincinnati Bengals' receiver Chad Johnson has had his name legally changed to Ocho Cinco. It seems that he did this simply to piss off Bengals' coach Marvin Lewis, who, after last season, began referring to Johnson as "Ocho Psycho." Chances are, if Johnson doesn't perform next weekend, Lewis may pummel him to death with a press room microphone.

George Ducker is the senior contributor to This Recording. He lives in Los Angeles. At his current salary, it will take 3.0 lifetimes for him to reach Nick Saban's yearly pay.

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