This Recording

The Best Pop Singles Of 2009

by MOLLY LAMBERT

Hard/Rude Boy - Rihanna

Call Of Duty: Port Of Barbados, Mickey Mouse army helmet, sinister piano plinks, Rihanna hits us and it feels like a kiss. Rude Boy continues to riff on the military theme, drafting Rihanna as Ilsa, Size Queen Of The Caribbean so she can murder dem. Like Britney, Rihanna's voice is weird and nasal and perfect for trying out weird process effects.

She Wolf/Give It Up To Me - Shakira

Lady Gaga can wear leather fetish masks all she wants, but Shakira has more genuine weirdness to spare than Gaga could generate in a year's worth of costume changes.

3 - Britney Spears

I liked this because it sounds like it's already the Sims video version of itself. I mean, surely Max Martin can afford newer keyboard sounds. He must be going for an early Britney slightly discounted Europop sound (maybe). I play this song on the guitar a lot.

The weirdest part is how the radio edit reversed "sin" to "nis" in the pre-hook, so it's "living in nis" but in the bridge she sings "what we do is not a sin" and it's not blurred. It sounds way more Satanic because of this.

A Capella - Kelis

Kelis gets with David Guetta for some electronic shit. Kelis was on the futuristic no genres thing before anyone. She wants to make a Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway album with Raphael Saadiq and I sure hope they do! She says this new album is all dance.

Just Dance/Poker Face/Paparazzi/Bad Romance/Telephone - Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga's Cremenstrual Cycle. Everyone remembers when they broke down about Lady Gaga. It's like the moonwalk or the Kennedy assassination. Sure you were able to ignore the disco stick, and the flaming tits and the Kermit dress. But then one day you caught yourself going "ra ra ah ah ah" and barely vogueing and you knew the jig was up.

You Belong With Me/Forever & Always - Taylor Swift

Here's the deal; he already knows you like him. He's dating the other girl because she is hot and popular and you are a fucking band dork with an A cup. Look I was a thirteen year old girl once too. It sucks, and more songs about kissing in a rainstorm are probably not the answer. But I'm sure my diaries from the time are not any less embarrassing! I hope Taylor gets her heart broken more times because the flip side of her idealistic fairy tale romance delusions is apparently a scary vindictive psycho hose beast and It makes for better songwriting than the Romeo and Juliet bullshit.

The Climb/Party In The U.S.A. - Miley Cyrus

Miley is the Rayanne Graff to Taylor Swift's Sharon Cherski. Demi Lovato is Angela Chase, and Kevin Jonas is Rickie Vasquez. In case you were wondering.

Pon De Floor - Major Lazer

If you play this at your New Year's party everyone will be like "YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Lemonade/Stupid Wild - Gucci Mane

This year's token rapper that people who don't listen to rap like. But like his forebearers for this honor Weezy and Juelz Santana, Gucci is the silliest. These songs are the goofiest and if the ad libs don't make you laugh you are probably not alive.

Daniel - Bat For Lashes

I never used to understand why Stevie Nicks was always swanning around onstage with crazy scarves and capes and crystals, but now I get it. It's because it's fucking fun as shit.

Sorry Sorry - Super Junior

A K-Pop band with thirteen members, the self proclaimed "largest boy band in the world." This song is their attempt to catch up with Justin Timberlake, and it's as successful as it needs to be. I mean, for a song that needs to suit the needs of a boy band with thirteen members, most of whom can't fit in the frame at one time.

Two Weeks/Cheerleader - Grizzly Bear

Beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous, and catchy as fuqqqqqqqqq.

My Girls/Summertime Clothes - Animal Collective

The indie rock equivalent of The Grateful Dead soldier on and manage to keep Baltimore weird even as they amass an ever larger and more mainstream fanbase.

Million Dollar Bill - Whitney Houston

The comeback hit Whitney deserved, and part of the new "taking disco seriously." Disco is camp and if you hate camp you are probably a homophobe and if you're a homophobe you're probably gay. Whitney will roll up that million dollar bill and use it to snort your disco breaks.

Dance Wiv Me (Ft. Dizzee Rascal) - Calvin Harris

The UK has always had an easier time with camp and disco than we do, which explains why they get Queen, Robbie Williams, as well as the overseas popularity of The Scissor Sisters. Although Adam Lambert is fucking knocking at the gate, America. Open up and take it! This is a great song I would dance to any time in an H&M or Forever 21.

Tik Tok - Ke$ha

Dirtier than dirty pop. Crusty pop. Because girls can be scary drunks too!

Gotta Get It - Juvenile

Organ stabs! So good! Funeral home club banger.

Blame It - Jamie Foxx Ft. T-Pain

Motherfuckers act like they forgot about "Blame It"! This is just a novelty song, and I don't want to hear it for the next few years at least, but I still love making "blame it!" jokes more than anything. Blame it!