As We Dated
by MEREDITH HIGHT
I just spent $900 on new tires and something to do with an engine. They asked me if I noticed the temperature gauge going back and forth. Of course I didn’t. I barely notice stop signs and green lights.
It has occurred to me that I am experiencing some kind of k/carma, ahem. What with all the complaining about the transportationally challenged men I date, etc.
For the record, the last conversation between me and Mario was basically:
me I no more want to spend any time explaining to someone why at this age I would expect them to have a car, then you want to explain to me why it shouldn’t matter.
him I completely agree.
In any case, I thought it might be time to say something nice. give a lil wha what. Also. I’ve been asked if Mario had read the notes, knew about them, etc.
I told Mario, uh, you may want to read some of these.
Mario’s view was, my writing is my thing, it's how I felt in that moment at that time, and he didn’t need to read anything, to know anything.
And, that’s true, because for example, I complained about hand jobs with a full on monologue, complete with hand motions, wild gesticulating, and the like, well before I ever wrote about it.
I am completely and hopelessly transparent when it comes to my emotions, so I think everyone I have written about has heard some version, of what I then go on to write about. Mmm, yes. That really is for the most part true.
I think that is fair. The point is to write about how I feel about it, not to call out or embarrass or hurt anyone’s feelings. I feel badly if I do. I am sorry if I do.
Let’s not talk about khaki pants.
Back to Mario.
Mario is as they say, not from around these parts, and as a result has a way of expressing himself that is completely profound yet requires the most advanced linguistic skills one can muster. If you listen closely, though, through the accent, you will be rewarded.
I brazenly wrote these little sayings down as we dated, unable to keep myself from pulling out my notebook when he said something that at first befuddled me and then became clear to me as another 'Marioism'
This is what my friends are calling them. I thought I would share.
Marioism #1
On religion, specifically the Catholic Church. "The thing is, the church is like a lake. Standing still, unchanging. It should be like a river, always flowing and changing, with the current, time, nature. It should keep moving. And it doesn’t."
Marioism #2
"We have to be honest with each other. Otherwise, it is a plastic relationship."
Marioism #3
"When you meet somebody, it has to be like, you are the ham sandwich. And all they are is the swiss cheese. No one else can be your ham sandwich."
Mariosim #4
On when I wouldn’t do the it, even though you know, dark, naked, hot. "AHHH! This is like when when you are trying to download a file from the internet and it is 99% and you are waiting, so close, you just need that one percent! And you just wait forever!"
Marioism #5
On homosexuality. "I mean, come on! This is not about sticking a finger up your ass when you jack off! This is about the love! Between two men!"
Marioism #6
On being the breadwinner. "You know, I want to make the bread”
Marioism #7
On Meredith. "I can see the wheels turning in your head. What is going on up there? You are like 24 Hour Fitness. You have these little treadmills and they are always on, always going. You are born to analyze. You should work for a testing company."
Marioism #8
On work. "We all have to eat a little shit. Now put some whipped cream on it, no maybe some chili pepper flakes, and just eat it."
Mariosim #9
On why do women expect that if they have a random, one night stand, the man should call them the next day.
“Exactly. I mean, who fucked who?”
Marioism #10
I love you!
You don't know me well enough to say that, I said. Take that back. I love you, is like, I’ll bring you chicken soup when you are sick, I will be there for you if something happened with your family, we will routinely read the new york times together on sunday. I love you, is big. I have not actually spoken the words I love you to anyone since my last boyfriend, and that was over three years ago.
No, I won't take it back.
Well, OK.
I love you a little.
Meredith Hight is the senior contributor to This Recording. She lives in Los Angeles, and she tumbls here.
"Angela" — Jarvis Cocker (mp3)
"Further Complications" — Jarvis Cocker (mp3)
"I Never Said I Was Deep" — Jarvis Cocker (mp3)
