The Things They Carried
by KARA VANDERBIJL
Mary Poppins had less baggage than today’s women, although, as a turn-of-the-century governess, it is quite certain that less was expected of her. If only we could empty the average woman’s bag onto a semi-aesthetic surface and study its contents! Not only would we see a reflection of her unique personality, but we’d also get an almost archeological glimpse into the history of ladies everywhere.
Since asking women to dump the contents of their purses onto the floor seems rather absurd, not to mention sexist (first they question our reproductive rights, now this), we’ll settle for imagining the things they carried.
33 less cents
Little to no simple carbohydrates
iPhone 4s with a cracked screen in a dirty mint green rubber case
A small, sharp elevator key
Quinoa
Two tampons blooming from applicators in shades of teal, dark purple, royal blue
Clear nail polish for nylon runs
A bag of chamomile tea
Twenty tarnished pennies
A wadded up Trader Joe’s receipt
An aborted baby
Three Tinder profiles laid aside as conversation starters or party jokes; three others to follow up on when she’s a little tipsy
A Moleskine, the first two pages the beginning of a dream journal, the rest messy grocery lists: cherry pie Larabars, sparkling water, frozen chicken breasts
Winona Ryder circa 1994
A sailor, a soldier, a spy
A Kindle full of self-help books: Find Your Inner French Girl, It’s Not a Diet It’s a Lifestyle, How to Please Your Misogynist Boyfriend
The ever-narrowing definition of liberated femininity
Her best friend’s spare keys
At least one story of how she was touched against her will
Dull black eyeliner pencil
Two transit cards, she’s not sure of the value left on either of them
Assorted good luck talismans: a bag full of lavender, a vial of holy water, an expired condom
Knock-off Ray Bans
A passport for those last-minute trips overseas
Band-Aids for blisters
A photogenic cat
Dubious ointment
Chewing gum of a fruity or minty persuasion
A hand that historically could have been given in marriage
Oscar predictions
A scarf for passing drafts
Advice columns
The conviction that all men are awful; the conviction that she would very much like to date a man
Wallet in a pink chevron print containing quarters from all fifty states
The book she’s been reading during her commute
Earbuds for what she’s really doing during her commute
Unpopular opinions such as, "I really like my body"
Pepper spray
Extra underwear
The occasional juice cleanse
Her mother's personality, set to unlock in about fifteen years
A pair of black pumps in case she wants to transition this outfit from day to night
A Post-It with phonetic pronunciations of words she’s only seen in books
For protection, at least least four fake boyfriends who have addresses, names, and occupations
The belief that she should be able to sleep with a stranger and feel breezy about it
Lingering Disney princess vibes
An angry resting face
Business cards from the men she meets in bars who still hand out business cards
Weird old tricks from the internet to cut down belly fat
A ziploc bag full of wasabi peas
Jennifer Aniston's hair
Leopard-print earmuffs
Four pens
A ticket stub
Meryl Streep's secrets for beautiful wrinkles
Residual sand from that one summer afternoon
In one compartment, her career; in the other, whatever she cares about more than her career but obviously can’t talk about because it’d make her a bad feminist, duh
One, two, three pickup lines thrown at her between her apartment at the train, between vulgar gestures and kissing noises and gyrating boy hips
Another bag
Red lipstick
The unbearable urge to bodyslam women with perfect hair
The belief that Sylvia Plath is an appropriate role model for young women
Enough patience to hear, "Wow, that's actually a good idea", in a surprised tone, from all her male coworkers
Beyonce
Kara VanderBijl is the managing editor of This Recording. She is a writer living in Chicago. She last wrote in these pages about art objects. She tumbls here and twitters here.
"Was It A Dream" - Marissa Nadler (mp3)
"Nothing In My Heart" - Marissa Nadler (mp3)
The new album from Marissa Nadler is entitled July, and it will be released on February 4th.
