Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.
Hi,
Aaron has been dating my friend Katy for just short of two years. She loves him dearly and sees a future for them together. They are both in their late twenties. Recently, Aaron told me in confidence that his Italian-born parents want him to take a long trip to Italy and "find a wife there." I guess this is something of a tradition. He has had some great experiences with his family in Italy and he confessed that it is something he has considered.
I recently observed someone ask Aaron whether he had a girlfriend, and he said yes, "She is really nice." This struck me as true but also a bit underwhelming. Do I tell Katy any of this, and how do I advise Aaron?
Priya C.
Dear Priya,
That's how someone would describe material possessions, like a soft pashmina or an adopted pug, not a significant other. There's definitely a lack of passion in his cadence and demeanor. According to his missteps, the red flags line up perfectly. One, he doesn't love Katy enough and is already resorting to flying out to Italy. Two, a part of him still wants to please his parents to fill a void (i.e. parents never got him the Yorkshire terrier he wanted on his 5th birthday).
When we were younger, my parents knew my brothers and I weren't going to have traditional marriages. Not every parent is going to let their child run into the wild to figure their own romantic endeavors. They fully accepted the upcoming cultural and generational shifts. Marriage is just the cherry on top for them. I rolled merrily along with my life and didn't expect anything of it until I met a girl in college who had an arranged marriage. She fell in love with him as time went on, but it was an unusual and fortunate circumstance not everyone is so lucky to have.
Aaron should fully accept the full responsibility of what is to come. If he is percolating the idea of flying to Italy quite heavily then he should tell how Katy how he really feels about her. More importantly, ask him if Katy is his soulmate, or if the timing is right, "his soulsies."
Hi,
I was recently talking with my boyfriend about 9/11. He explained that he had been a freshman in college when the attack occurred, and described some of the things that happened at his Ivy League school during the attack - people crying, others screaming in shock and trying to reach their loved ones. Unfortunately all I could think about as he was telling this story is how I was in fourth grade when this happened. Before this anecdote, our age difference did not seem so important, but now I can't get it out of my mind. What should I do?
Martha S.
Dear Martha,
You are correct in stating that anyone who was in college during 9/11 is old, perhaps too old for you. In order to verify your hypothesis, here are some indications that your partner (#loveofyourlife) may just not be the right age.
- He was in graduate school during the Second World War.
- He thinks that penicillin is a "miracle life-saving drug" and defends it for hours whenever you rag on it.
- He wanted to name your cat Clementine or Archibald.
- His drug dealer asked him if he ever watched Fawlty Towers, and his response was anything except, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
- He soothes his feet by washing them in a water basin with Lucille Ball's face and torso on it. -
He asks you if that "upstart nation" Israel is going to be around for good.
Age isn't important, but not having the right opinions about things like John Cleese and Israel could come back to bite you in the ass later on IMO.
Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.
"Accidental Song" - The Magic Numbers (mp3)
"Better Than Him" - The Magic Numbers (mp3)
