35 Things I Have Done In the Context Of A Relationship And Subsequently Regretted
by ELLEN COPPERFIELD
1. attended a production of Hamlet where the voice of the ghost was piped in using a boombox
2. murdered a spider
3. seen a psychotherapist
4. it is a strange thing to be prayed to
5. consumed kale
6. gotten a tattoo
7. gotten a tattoo removed
8. willfully misunderstood when Valentine's Day was
9. masturbated using an issue of Popular Mechanics
10. worshipped Jesus
11. taken a pet back to the point of sale
12. pretended to be invested in the outcome of Friends with Benefits
13. stated the lyrics to Nickelback songs as if they were my real emotions as a test
14. prepared a picnic
15. subtly hinted I was allergic to lingerie
16. cheated at a game of dreidel
17. purchased and destroyed one of those Eyes Wide Shut masks
18. subtly put down the Air Force
19. ran a magnifying glass over a cyst
20. intentionally lost at Taboo
21. read Dance to the Music of Time
22. felt more beautiful than I looked
23. thrown up
24. not flinched when the other party suggested Adele had a "Jewish face"
25. told an orthodontist to go fuck himself
26. repressed my deeply held belief that Mr. Clean is a sex offender
27. worked out
28. feigned that I enjoyed any part of The Avengers
29. purchased Friends with Benefits on Blu-ray as a gift
30. pretended not to know Meatloaf's sexuality
31. suggested a ferret "wasn't as disturbing as I expected"
32. touched what I thought was an erection but was actually a toothbrush
33. had sex without a condom
34. danced to the music of time
35. thought it was always anyone else's problem other than my own
Ellen Copperfield is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in San Francisco. You can find an archive of her writing on This Recording here.
"Heart Won't Stop" - John Mark McMillan & Sarah McMillan (mp3)
"Walk Around My House" - John Mark McMillan & Sarah McMillan (mp3)
