In Which We Play Dumb Or A Role

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

My boyfriend Tim wants to start roleplaying. I think we've always had a very satisfying sex life, and I think that dressing up would embarrass me - and that I wouldn't be able to get in the mood. How do I tell him thanks, but no?

Elena A.

Dear Elena,

Very few people want to actually dress up and portray characters or archetypes in the bedroom, although it was the foundational aspect of Andrew Sullivan's sex life in the 1990-2000 period. Usually someone will bring up this concept for a different reason.

"Roleplaying" is a way to introduce advanced sexual concepts under the guise of play. These concepts can include S&M fantasies, visions of being the host of Meet the Press, or you calling your boyfriend (Tim? WTF is he in third grade) something paternal/paternalistic or more rarely, maternal/maternalistic. Roleplaying doesn't always involve actual dressing up.

It's best to just cut to the chase and ask your boyfriend what he wants you to call him during sex. If he answers, "Sergey Brin," leave the country.

 

Hi,

This started eight months ago when I met a guy who I will call Jeff online. We really hit it off and we were talking quite frequently despite living in different cities. Eventually we decided that I should come and visit him. Our first meeting was great and just seemed like a continuation of our online communication.

Jeff makes references to past relationships, although since we were just getting to know each other, I did not wish to pry. After that weekend, Jeff confessed that he was divorced and that he was not interested in getting married again. I asked him what he was interested in and he said that he wasn't sure, that he had done the long distance thing before and wasn't very successful at it. At the same time he expressed a desire to keep seeing me.

In the intervening months, I have tried to be more protective of our feelings. Jeff has come to my city to visit me and for the most part we have a great time with very little meta-relationship talk, as he seemed to request. Am I right to be taking this at his pace, or should I just bail?

Andrea R.

Dear Andrea,

Learning all about someone from the person themselves leaves many blind spots open, Andrea. You need a third party who can give you a better view of Jeff. See if you can make up a reason to have a conversation with one of his friends: maybe a buddy is an industry peripheral to yours, and you can claim you are only looking for some general advice.

With that said, you can't necessarily assume there is any foul play involved. Men will say a lot of things; just because he's not considering marriage now doesn't mean the idea is permanently dead to him. Even lemmings have to be coaxed into heading for a cliff, but once they build up some momentum, death is a sweet release.

Demanding a commitment is the surest way not to get one. Make sure Jeff knows you are exploring other options and he will quickly ask you not to be if he cares that much. If he doesn't ask, then you know he doesn't care.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

"The Disease" - Angels and Airwaves (mp3)

In Which We Consider This Problematic To Discuss With You

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,
 

My boyfriend recently updated his iPhone, and a lot of his settings were reset in the process. One of these settings is the 'Read Receipt' option for text messages. Now I can see when he has read my text messages and how quickly he responds after he receives the emojis in question.

This is driving me completely crazy. Why does he sometimes wait an hour to respond to a simple question - for example, "Did you pick up the tickets?" What is the purpose of making me wait to find out the answer? Is it unethical for me to be profiting/suffering from this information without telling him?

Daisy L.

Dear Daisy,

First of all, your boyfriend is eventually going to figure out that he committed this magnificent technology faux pas. When it does, you want to be prepared with a semi-plausible answer, such as, "Oh, everyone has their read receipt on! Who cares when you answer a text?" If he buys this, you are well within your rights to judge him for being a moron. If he doesn't, move on to the next most useful excuse: "What? You had read receipt on? I thought only people over 50 didn't turn it off? Idiot."

Secondly, it is probably best not to inform him that you have secretly been seething about this since iOS 8. There's a bunch of reasons he doesn't respond in a timely fashion.

1. He doesn't care enough.

2. He's with another woman, probably an NYU grad named Cheyenne.

3. He's fumbling with all the Christmas gifts he's purchased for you and your mom and he can't reach his phone.

4. Since he doesn't know how to use read receipt, he probably is afraid of using his iPhone lest he accidentally dick pic a family member.

5. You're overwhelming him with your neediness.

These possibilities have one thing in common: you should pick a more tech-savvy partner next time.

Hi,

My friend Judy Liederschmidt recently split up with her boyfriend of five years. They went around the world together and took lots of photos in exotic places, such as Bali, the Alps, Papua. New Guinea and Mindy Kaling's birthplace.

These photos are very prominently displayed in the home they used to share, and everytime I go to see Judy Liederschmidt, who is not dealing with this situation all that well, I feel like her ex is staring a hole in my gullet. He cheated on her and it doesn't seem healthy for her to be reminded of it at all times.

How can I broach this subject with her and what do I say?

Frederick R.

Dear Frederick,

You have a few options, each with its own drawbacks.

The first of these strategeries involves heavily complimenting her appearance in a way that conveys the idea that these photos are an outdated, disgusting version of her and she requires new snaps to convey the current state of her gorgeous repose.

Failing that, find a friend who is purportedly single and bring him over to her house. She will probably hide the photos before the young man's arrival, but they may reappear upon the suitor's departure.

At this point, it would be time for full measures. Has she read John Berger's Ways of Seeing?

JK, although someone once gave us that book and said it changed his life.

No, instead you have to pretend it is you who has a problem letting go of someone. Be casually having a thing where you throw romantic letters and trinkets into a fire for some reason — it doesn't have to be the possessions of a love interest, it can be anyone in your life. Heck, it could even be Judy Liederschmidt if she doesn't straighten her fucking shit out.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

 

"Are You The Matador?" - Black Whales (mp3)

"Red Fantastic" - Black Whales (mp3)

In Which They Recently Met Through Mutual Friends

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

I recently met a woman through some mutual friends. Dee is a social worker who is very devoted to the people she helps get on their feet. She is great at her job. 

Frequently, our dates or hangouts are postponed because things come up unexpectedly. Dee doesn't have a lot of faith in the people with which she works, so she feels like she has to handle these things herself. I try to accept that I am not always going to be her number one priority, but I am starting to worry it might be this way forever. She is apologetic and feels really guilty when she cancels the plans, and I try not to make things worse. I don't feel comfortable bringing it up to her since we have only been dating for four months. Should I give up now, or is it possible things will change in the future?

Henry P.

Dear Henri,

Dee probably is balancing a lot of things on her plate at one time, and since she deals with people who are used to letting her down and feeling bad about it, she is reflexively adopting their behavior. A good psychologist could probably fix her in a month or two.

We don't have that kind of time. It seems like she likes you because you are the one person she can disappoint, which means you may be very special to Dee. The irony seems to be lost on you.

Your instinct to wait until further in the relationship to make this an issue seems sound. By six months she will have bonded to you further, and you can influence her decision-making without her openly wondering where you got the nerve to tell her what to do. Four months in, you're just another aspect of the patriarchy holding her back.

Hi,

Last year for Christmas our friend Jaina gave all of us very expensive presents, including jewelry and clothing. It was something of a surprise, but she now can afford to give more lavish gifts. Since it was unexpected last year, it wasn't really reasonable that we would have such expensive gifts for her.

This year she seems to be planning on making a big deal out of the Christmas gifts again. None of us either want or in some cases are not able to give gifts of commensurate value. Speaking for myself, I feel uncomfortable accepting them as well. Is there a way to bring this up to Jaina without sounding ungrateful? She has never demanded equal value, although she does bring up what she got us last year quite often.

Allison O.

Dear Allison,

Inform Jaina that you "can't wait" to give her what you got her, and pass along your present earlier. It is an abstract expressionist drawing of her that makes her look substantially larger and more annoying that she actually is, which from the sounds of it is a whole lot.

What has this Jaina done for you lately, except been an expensive pain-in-the-ass? Find friends who do not celebrate Christmas, and if they give you something for Hannukah, burn it with the flame of a menorah to make your point.

But seriously, proposing a gift system where one person in your group has to give only one gift to another person in your group will likely alleviate this problem. Jaina will probably know this is about her, so when she asks, tell her, "We were on a break!" You deserve better.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.