In Which We Address Things The Moment They Arrive

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

My girlfriend Amber is in her early thirties. She took a new job in September and many of her co-workers socialize together on a regular basis. She goes to events with them regularly and it has been a big shift in our relationship because at times it seems like these new friendships are her number one priority. Her co-workers are a bit younger and still single, and they like to go out and drink often.

I have tried to be understanding since on one level I am glad she has met people she enjoys spending time with. We are new to this area and I know she missed some of her old friends in New York. Still, it does seem like she goes out a lot with these people. When I brought it up to her, she was defensive, asking me, "Don't I want her to have friends?" So I'm uncertain how to pursue this further.

Keith A.

Keith,

Because she is not responsive to your concerns, you have encountered a very red flag. It is probable that the validation she seeks from these people, whether romantic or just platonic, has superseded her main relationship. If it was at least equal, she would reassure you and make accommodations. There is a bigger problem in your relationship. 

It appears from your description that you are living together before marriage. While this can be a decent idea in the right circumstances, in a relationship without the proper communication, it is a hot disaster. You are not committed enough to one another to overcome these problems, so they will fester for as long as this situation persists. The best thing to do to get ahead of this situation, and give it a chance of succeeding, is to end things. If she really cares about you, this will be the wake-up call. If she doesn't, at least you found out sooner than later.

Hi,

My boyfriend Steven is a great guy. For some reason, he will lie about the dumbest things. When he lies, he is usually being deceptive for no reason, or to make himself seem busier or more interesting. On occasion, he will do it to get out of doing something with me, but it is always in a situation where truth would do just as well. He does not lie about anything important, but I still find this behavior disconcerting. Should I be worried?

Megan Y. 

Dear Megan,

Introverts are used to the expectations of extroverts. They may need more time to process the events of their daily life. Instead of simply explaining this, they often wish to do what extroverted people do, since this is more acceptable behavior in our society. 

Also, it seems like Steven does not lie very much to you. Is it really a lie if the person you are telling it to knows you are telling a lie? Therefore Steven is a satirist, not a liar.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Cannot Recall The Excuse

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

Lately it has felt like conflict with my girlfriend, Alana, has come at the most difficult times. She seems to confront me on all kinds of issues just when I am at my lowest zenith.

At these moments I try to explain that I am having a bad day, or I am not receptive to being criticized at that moment, and things just explode from there. Is there anything I can do to make Alana understand when I am not ready to have an argument?

Artis L.

Artis,

Someone very close to you can pick up on your weakness and general instability. It probably reminds Alana of some other fault she finds in you, and activates her own anxiety.

Choosing the time and place of a battle is by far its most important element. Some people like to postpone conflict; just as many prefer to address it the moment it arrives. Alana probably feels better once she resolves her issues with her, but you actually end up feeling worse, since nothing is resolved for you.

Hi,

I'm feeling super despondent over Trump's victory. I don't understand how so many people can vote for such a disgusting person. I really don't even feel like waking up tomorrow and I have no faith in America.

Darlene C.

Dear Darlene,

Life is probably a simulation, and consider President Trump a test.

Real talk though the president is most likely no more powerful than Rupert Murdoch or Les Moonves. At one time Christina Aguilera considered the presidency, but then recanted. Yes, there is a Republican congress, but the Supreme Court is still packed with liberals. David Souter is one of the most freewheeling gentlemen I have ever met.

A political party thrives when it is out of power, forced to find new leaders and philosophies that resonate with the population. Eight years of Obama has kept other Democratic leaders out of the spotlight, and it is now time to see what they have to offer. Properly used, any depression can also be a period of rejuvenation.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which The Ink Never Dried In The Grass

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

I know that no one is perfect, but bad puns really bother me. I guess even more so when they are not actually puns and more like metaphorical descriptions of my boyfriend's own invention. I have told him that I do not want to hear about his penis meadow or anything "humorous" about his balls. It's not that the subject itself grosses me out, and testicular cancer is a leading cause of death among young bros. 

It's more just his entire way of speaking has started to get on my nerves. We have been together more than two years and I know I should not let these niggling, trifling aspects of our relationship bother me. Is this indicative of a broader problem or am I simply nitpicking/blowing this way out of proportion?

Jana L.

Jana,

It is easy to get on someone's nerves when you know them pretty well. At some point you gave your boyfriend a response to this behavior that he liked, even if that is not at all what you were trying to indicate. 

Since this is a problem with a simple solution, you need to approach it in the same way. Obviously you need a way to seriously communicate with him that this is unacceptable and potentially un-American. Sit him down like you are going to break up with him, and then reveal the situation. He will do anything you say after that.

Hi,

In the wake of my recent breakup, I have had a really hard time meeting people. It is very difficult to tell whether a guy is looking for something serious or not, and I find myself becoming more withdrawn – this is not the kind of person that I am, and I sense it is not super attractive when combined with the fact I sometimes bring up my ex or seem cynical about relationships. I don't want to be like this, but questions about why I am dating online seem to come up no matter what I do. 

The larger problem is that I seem to be either moving things too slowly, or not giving off the right vibe to find a relationship. Do you have any tips for this?

Moana C.

Dear Moana,

I have tips for everything, even great lunches you can give kids. 

You have to demand the best from potential partners. If you do not, or excuse them for things, they will either identify you as not a romantic option, or learn that they can treat you however they want. Let me tell you a quick story about my friend Laura. Laura was dating a guy and he stood her up one time. He had an excuse, but I don't remember what it was, but it sounded flimsy as fuck. She really liked him so she pretended it didn't happen and accepted his apology. Two weeks later he was killed in a car accident. 

Did you like the twist ending? If someone isn't treating you the way you want to be treated, you should tell them. The fact that they may not know you very well is all the more reason to set up those boundaries now. 

At the same time, it is important to push the momentum of a new relationship. If you like someone, you should want to spend a fair amount of time with them. Such activities not only leave a distinct impression on men, but they reveal a whole heck of a lot – like if he is texting other girls, or as he probably refers to them, possibles.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.