In Which We Would Have So Much In Common

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hey,

My sister Asri used to live nearby me in Upper Manhattan. We saw a lot of each other because of this and became very close. She recently moved to New Jersey because of her boyfriend and new child and I haven't seen as much of her. She constantly complains about this, expecting me to be the one to always travel. Well, it's not a short trip and not a fun trip either, and expecting me to be out there more than twice a month simply isn't reasonable. How can I make Asri see the problem with her expectation?

Theodore M.

Dear Theo,

In such situations, it is best to just go ahead and tell a white lie. Claim there is a problem with your knee, nose, or ring finger. Unfortunately, our family members can sometimes catch us in a lie and when you do see you sister, she may sense that a physical ailment is not present.

Still do not be honest with her, because, really, where has that ever gotten you? No, you must find a new, better lie. One which can never be questioned and holds up under the most intense possible scrutiny. When you figure things out, write us so we can use it as well.

What's a fun trip? To the drugstore? Bali?

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. 

Hey,

I have been seeing a woman who I will call Ellen for about two months. We have never talked at all about being exclusive, which I know is probably my fault. She never mentions going out with other guys, although I guess why would she? I am still seeing someone else, though, and I sense that if I tell her about it, it might not go very well. What's the best course of action in my situation?

Michael M.

Dear Mikey,

If she wanted to know, she would already know. She doesn't want to know. Perhaps she is hopeful that she is with someone who sees her as a candidatef or a monogamous relationship. She actually might be a lot more accepting of your situation than you believe. Maybe the two of them would hit it off. Think about how much they would have in common: they both enjoy the ethereal thrill of your company, the way your clothes smell before and after a wash, and share a similar, mediocre taste in men.

In Which The Works Of Anton Chekhov Spare Us From The Afternoon

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

My daughter Jessica is two years old. Recently, we've made an arrangement with another couple in the building that also has a child around the same age named Theo, e.g. he will come over to our home and vice versa on certain days. 

Theo's parents are wonderful, educated people. They are very focused on teaching him all sorts of things. A recent lesson I walked on concerned me, though, as it did not seem terribly age appropriate. Theo's mother was explaining the historical plight of the Jewish people to the kids. Maybe they can't process it at this age, anyway, but I'm not sure I want my daughter hearing about this stuff without me present. 

Am I crazy, and is it all right to say something to Theo's mother about that?

Janet S.

Janet,

Ideally you would just be near your daughter at all times to mitigate what Theo's mother is saying. "Many other minority groups faced similar discrimination!" you could crow as a kind of victory lap. I don't know what you think you are protecting your daughter from, but she lives in the world. Lots of stuff will happen to her that she can't control. I mean, who knows, in a decade she could be referred to as a member of the Trump generation. 

If you want to give her a different narrative to latch onto, consider the work of the Catholic writer Garry Wills. I believe he does a fantastic set of flash cards.

Hi,

I have been dating this guy I will call Nate for around five months. He is very difficult to make plans with and will often want to do things on the spur of the moment. I am the type of person who needs to know where I am going to be and what I am going to be doing at all times. At first it was nice to be around someone capable of spontaneity, but recently Nate and I have gotten in fights because he claims I don't make him a priority, like I should be waiting by the phone for him to call?

Is this a fundamental lack of compatibility or is there something we can do to make this work?

Ilana W.

Dear Ilana,

I think probably you just need to think of better excuses. When you tell Nate that you can't do something that he suggests, here are some foolproof ways to get out of that activity without hurting this man-boy's feelings:

- it's the mensies oops

- I have a harpischord in my hymen gland ("feel better honey")

- I'm going to see a local production of The Cherry Orchard. Would you like to come?

- I have to work on a long research project that could be a useful excuse for the next six months

- Actually, it's Uncle Vanya. Still want to come?

- I want you so much. But like, not at this time.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Celebrate Ourselves Indefinitely

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

I have been married to my wife Julia for over four years and we have a daughter together. I love her very much and although things have not always been perfect, I believed our marriage was solid. Recently my wife has been confiding various doubts she has about our relationship. Many of her problems relate to where she is in her career — she feels like having a family has hampered her ability to improve her standing in her field. (I work full-time, and she hasn't been able to do so yet, although our daughter will soon be entering school, making this more possible.)

In addition, in her current position, her co-workers are eight to ten years younger than her and she has been interacting with them a lot, leaving me at home.

I want to be supportive of Julia, but at the same time I feel like I am a very giving husband and challenges in life are just part of what's going on. I am there for her, but I don't want to feel like I am catering to a delusion, and it brings me down to hear her complaining about her life. What can I do to get her out of this funk?

Reynald C.

Reynald,

It sounds like your wife needs to meet friends of an appropriate age. Having these younger people around, who have different priorities and goals is going to put her in their mindset. I would do anything you could to get her a better job, or send her back to school. Changing her path in this area sounds key. It is easy to think you are a good husband, and I'm sure you are doing what you can to improve your wife's situation at home.

Still, counseling is a good way to make sure of this. If your wife is not in therapy, she should be. There are inexpensive, or at least more inexpensive options for mental health treatment.

Lastly, we all go through phases in life, and your wife may be in one right now. Try not to overreact to anything (or everything) she does. Operating with a certain amount of space may be the best thing for her.

Hi,

I have been dating a guy for a few months. He has said that he is very serious about our future together, and I take him at his work. I haven't clicked with someone like this for a long time, if ever.

One thing that does trouble me is that we seem to come from very different religious backgrounds, and he has made a point of saying he expects his children to be raised in his faith. (His family is Jewish.) I am more of an agnostic, but I don't know if I would be comfortable suddenly becoming religious. How should I approach this?

Amy D.

Dear Amy,

There is a large divergence in the Jewish community about exactly what being religious means to an individual. It is impossible to say what this really means: it could mean more casual observance, but the obeyance of certain rituals and traditions. It could mean that he plans to move you to Brooklyn and your family will never see you in shorts again. It is probably best to clarify his exact intentions.

Some people insist on these traditions because they want to please your family. If you are deeply against taking your life in this direction, it is not something to gloss over. There are some wonderful things about religion, but by and large fashion is not one of them.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.