This Recording

Cartman Sucks

by Alex Carnevale

After we die from Al Gore, mankind will review its greatest accomplishments. Many of the most important will have been accomplished by South Park scribe Trey Parker, the visionary force behind the greatest show in the history of the television medium.

You see, Eric Cartman makes a habit of inviting over sad sack naive Butters to his house for sleepovers.

"do you want to play games, eric, or just chit chat for a while?"

While Butters (left) is knocked out by nighttime cold medication, Cartman takes advantage. He uses a camera and a timer and takes a series of photographs he collects in an album.

the pierre

the sleeping menstrual

the new moon rising series

Cartman's humorous plan is humming along so well that he takes the natural next step. When he arrives at the bust stop the next morning, he shows his classmates the latest photo. They're shocked and astonished to see that it's a picture of Cartman with Butters' penis in his mouth.

Cartman's too young to realize the important of this, but Kyle tells him. "You're gay." Kyle also informs him that the only way to reverse the gay polarity is to take a picture of his penis in Butters' mouth.

Which he tries to do.

Butters' Dad walks in on them and sends Butters to gay reform camp. Meanwhile, Cartman's dirty secret is his own - until Kyle and Stan and Kenny threaten to tell everyone.

Then the photo goes missing, and Cartman believes Kyle has it. After unsucessful involving his mom, Cartman concludes that the only way to minimize the impact of the photo is to control the situation. He will be the one to show the photo to the class.

After debuting a series of photographs during Show and Tell in a desire to become a successful photographer...

He breaks out the coup de grace...just as his Mom calls to tell him that Kyle doesn't have the photo - she found it on the floor under his desk.

lame

Why has Trey Parker yet to win the Nobel Prize for Literature? He's more accomplished and important than Elfriede Jelinek, certainly. He could be the poet laureate maybz? He's smarter than Charles Simic, and he has a better sense of humor than Billy Collins.

It's just not right.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording.

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