Sex - This Recording

Liz Phair Eats Nice Guys for Breakfast

Thursday

May012008

In Which We Are So Through With Men

Thursday, May 1, 2008 at 12:31AM

Looking For The Nice Guy

By Tyler Coates

I consider myself to be a Feminist in the sense that I've always thought, "Yeah, ladies are just as good as dudes, right? I mean, why not?" I never was one to shout about it, though, mostly because I've never been a very politically correct person. It's pretty hard to be politically correct and hilarious. I'd much rather be funny than someone who pretends to respect everyone.

But seriously, folks: womyn really got it rough these days! And not just in the political, economic, and social departments. Fuck the glass ceiling; I'm talking about how the guys that try to date girls are dumb shits.

Now I feel like I can write about this because, even though I'm not a girl, I do date guys, and right now I am severely anti-men. Sure, that's mostly gay guys, but generally, I don't like men very much. Also, I've been reading Jezebel a lot lately, and all of that feministing has really started to affect me. This Recording favorite Julie Klausner recently published an essay in the NYT's Modern Love column. I spent all day thinking about it because I've been there, lady.

Julie describes a brief, unsatisfying fling with "an indie rock dreamboat," which began in the most modern way: emails and text messaging. If you're a gay man living in a city, you've most likely gone through this routine, and I found Julie's descriptions of her first impressions pretty damn accurate:

"He already annoyed me, and we hadn’t even met. I would soon learn a lesson men have known for years: that it’s possible to be attracted to somebody you don’t like."

Julie and Smiley Muffin

I wasn't really aware of that until recently. I'm admittedly new to the gay thing, having spent most of my post-adolescent awkward stage (which, um, just ended about two years ago when I was somewhere between 22 and 23) thinking I liked girls. When I had crushes on girls, I fell hard, spending months pining after them with, obviously, very little success.

"Why D'ya Do It" - Marianne Faithfull (mp3)

I didn't think I'd ever want to date a guy until I found myself in my first relationship. It turned out to be a disaster, but part of me kept that relationship going because I liked the challenge of having to make an effort to get what I wanted. I wanted this guy to like me. And I realized later that when I entered into those courtship rituals with other guys, I was more interested in the ones who didn't like me than those who put a lot of effort into the pursuit.

Back when I was going after girls, I considered myself to be a Nice Guy. You know the type: the nice guy is the dude who is your friend, who is a little too shy to make a move, whom you would never call "a player". Look at Coop from Wet Hot American Summer, for example: Michael Showalter's character is the quintessential nice guy pit against Paul Rudd's bad boy.

The nice guy is the cute, skinny, nerdy guy who listens to The Decemberists instead of Dave Matthews Band, who would rather watch Amelie and cuddle than drink and beer and watch "the game." Of course, the nice guy is full of shit, and this is coming from someone who thought he was that guy.

Sure, I'm no philistine, but that doesn't mean I didn't break my fair share of hearts. Did I end brief, month-long relationships by not calling someone back? A few times, actually. Yeah, I feel bad about it now, and try not to be such a jackass and consider the thoughts of others occasionally. I wasn't doing it before on purpose, or out of some sociopathic game I was playing. No, I was just a dipshit who didn't know how to treat the guys I was courting.

From Leigh Dragoon's Nice Guys 101 Series

"C'mon Billy" - PJ Harvey (mp3)

There's a great quote that is floating around some of the Tumblr blogs I follow, from an interview with author Amanda Marcotte:

"The Nice Guy syndrome arises from men who are really conflicted about women’s equality. They get angry real fast when, after being 'nice,' they don’t get rewarded, or they are rejected. Guys are oblivious to the fact of their entrenched privilege, the very notion that women are there as available eye candy for them. It is unnerving and uncool."

It's almost as if sometimes men think they should be rewarded with sex simply because they didn't actively (or at least aggressively) pursue it.

But that idea is completely the opposite of what one looks for in the nice guy. The nice guys shouldn't be calculating and manipulative of your feelings just to get you into bed! That's the bad boy, the one you're not supposed to like. So why is it when someone like Julie Klausner falls for the unassuming, sensitive musician, she gets spurned just as if he was that bad boy in disguise? That's because nice guys are the bad boys in disguise.

"Dickhead" - Kate Nash (mp3)

Now, I'm not saying all guys suck; I'm sure there are a few out there that are genuine and respectful of whomever they pursue. But if you're with someone who calls himself "nice," nip that shit in the bud. And if you're uncertain, here are some helpful tips to see if your potential mate is an actual dickhead nice guy:

1. Does he think he's awkward? If he describes himself as awkward, there's a problem. (To quote Edith Wharton: "[T]he inner vanity is generally in proportion to the outer self-depreciation.") We're misusing that word most of the time anyway. If everyone's awkward, then no one's awkward, okay? (That's the closest I'll ever come to Ayn Rand Objectivist thought.)

2. Is he a currently attractive former geek? That's a red flag. He's probably not looking to settle down, even if he plays you Sufjan on his guitar and dedicates his Muxtape to you. He's most likely looking for help discovering his newfound hotness.

3. Does he perform improv and have a huuuuge crush on Tina Fey? Look out! You might think those loose-fitting khakis paired with Nike sneakers are endearing and the prospect of having a guy watch Mean Girls with you sounds like a dream come true now, but it's only because he thinks she's a hottie on 30 Rock. Would he have dated her in college?

4. Does he still listen to The Shins? All I'm going to say is that the dude from The Shins roughed up his America's Next Top Model girlfriend. I didn't even see that one coming.

5. Does he have a blog? YIKES.

"Indie Boys (Don't Deserve It)" - Queens of Noize (mp3)

Be wary, ladies, of the seemingly sweet, inexperienced guy who declares his emotions, because beneath that nice guy exterior is a guy who just doesn't know how to be around - or, hell, even respect - women (or other men, for that matter). Klausner wrote about this on her year-end blog post, where she included "Emo guys who have crushes on Pam from The Office" in her list of enemies from 2007. She said:

"I get it, fellas. She's not intimidating, like one of those women who wears make-up and styles her hair, and has a good job that she enjoys, and confidence, and a...what do you call it...an adult woman's sexuality. There's nothing scary there, because there's no mystery: she's just like you! Mousy and shy. And one day your fantasy will come true. You'll meet a nerdy, cute girl just like that (like you), and NOBODY BUT YOU WILL KNOW SHE'S PRETTY! Shhh! It's a secret! And she'll melt when she sees your record collection, and she'll swoon when you play her the song you wrote, and she'll never want to go out to a party where you'll be forced to talk to people of social status, or comb your hair, or buy grown-up shoes, or demonstrate a hearty handshake, or make eye contact, or basically act like a man."

"Free Money" - Patti Smith (mp3)

So what's the moral here? Does a guy have to spout out misogynistic bullshit about women to reveal some kind of deeper evil? Absolutely not! Take this speech from my favorite movie, Broadcast News, for example:

"What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. No, I'm semi-serious here. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing. He will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important. Just coax along flash over substance... Just a tiny bit. And he will talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he'll get all the great women."

Tyler Coates is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in Chicago, has a blog, and is a really nice guy.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

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20 Comments |

Masturbating On Radiators

Tuesday

Apr292008

SEX

In Which Sasha Grey Is A New Kind Of Porn Star

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 at 11:06AM

"Sex is natural! Sex is fun!" - George Michael

My Desires Are Boring

by Molly Young

When I think of porn stars, I picture them as the sum total of their accessories: fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails, fake tan. Sasha Grey has none of these things, and when she dons the mask of porn-y makeup, the effect is that you try to picture her without it. Here is why she is fascinating:

1) She is freakishly young
2) She is lovely to look at
3) She does filthy things with zest
4) She is smart (maybe)

We'll start with #1. Sasha was born in Sacramento, CA, and you can hear the Sacramento in her syrupy stoner-voice. She moved to LA at age eighteen intending to make it big in The Industry, which she did. She is famous for asking porn actor Rocco Siffredi to punch her in the stomach during her first scene. He refused, but the anecdote forged a sort of myth-making reverence that surrounds Sasha and gives her the crossover appeal to do photoshoots in Vice and appear in a Smashing Pumpkins music video.

#2: Her loveliness. Sasha is pretty in a bird-like way, with the frame of someone who fidgets a lot. She has brown eyes and root-beer colored hair. Her MySpace profile describes someone who is part ditzy teenager, (likes makeup and Tetris, plays the "gutiar") part bougie New Yorker (Carl Jung, War and Peace, Antonioni), and part dubious feminist (Anais Nin, the self-actualized porn star schtick). There's also something of the hero's quest to her self-presentation:

"I am Sasha Grey," she writes. "There is no other. This is only a brief dossier because I'm not dead and don't feel that a complete biography is yet warranted." She sounds like the beginning of Charles Dickens's David Copperfield.

#3 is filthy things, ie Grey's willingness to engage with holes and fluids in unconventional ways. Details elided here. Arguably the most fascinating aspect of Grey, since you might expect her to leverage her beauty and settle for a nice paycheck doing vanilla films. But no.

#4: She is smart (maybe). Part of Grey's fame relates to her interest in arty films and books. She was home-schooled, and you can perceive the charmingly untutored and eager tastes of an autodidact in her listed interests. Because she has a modicum of self-awareness, Sasha makes good material for theorizing. Is she a frontierswoman? A genius? An opportunist with no scruples? And what about all the gnarly particulars of her field: the physical demands and venereal diseases and fluids and loveless fucking?

Her stage-name was nearly Anna Karina in homage to Godard

I want to think that Sasha Grey is smart. But smart people are typically funny, and porn is humorless by definition. Mostly, it gobsmacks me to think that a girl like me of the same state, watching the same movies, wearing the same size pants would choose to apply herself to an unforgiving vocation in exchange for a seedy fame and a medium-sized amount of money.

Because I somewhat resemble Grey, she fails the basic porn star test: I can't objectify her. This makes the experience of watching her a fraught one. I'm simultaneously disgusted and titillated; identifying with her and dissociating at the same time. Mostly, though, I'm bored. The riddle about Grey is that she's a great performer in an industry that sets a low bar for greatness. Lauding her is like pointing to a particular issue of Readers Digest and claiming it as the best one ever.

This year she won the AVN Award for Female Performer of the Year, which is the porn equivalent of an Oscar. Having reached the top of her profession, I am hoping she will cash out and go do something else. It would be nice to see her exit grandly, like sister nymphet Traci Lords, with a maximized sense of empowerment and a minimal cargo of cynicism. And we'd get to find out whether Grey is interesting because she's in porn or despite it.

Molly Young is the senior contributor to This Recording.

From Some Creepy Guy's Interview With Sasha Grey:

What were you like growing up?

A child becoming an adolescent becoming an adult …I WAS growing up and …slowly becoming an irreverent little sex tart.

How did you find your way into porn?

First I was bored by what I saw and second I felt I could change that…I researched the subject by reading interviews, watching lots of smut …contemplated what kind of porn I wanted to do wrote a mission statement and basically set out to find a quality no bullshit agent to represent me.

Who are your favorite performers to work with and why?

It's Belladonna… everything about her is sensual. She is an inspiration to me and an electric energy that this universe is lucky to have.

You have quite the reputation as an intellectual porn girl. Is that how you would describe yourself?

Like…what? Like really I'm just like being myself like, seriously. Um I'm not going to describe myself as a mindless fuckdoll idiot bimbo. So yes I'm an intellectual I like to learn about the world we live in and the artistic expressions that surround us .

What is it like being a smart girl on a porn set? Is there anyone you can talk to?

I try to prepare my mind and body before a scene and conserve my energy and wit, I try and find my zen state before a scene…I mean I'm not rude I'll be personable but you have to understand we are like sexual athletes and although it feels fucking great you still have a camera on you…you are still trying to make some half way distant pornography for the consumer.

Who is your favorite philosopher and why?

At the moment Jean-Paul Sartre. I really shouldn't have to explain that if you're into philosophy at all. Also Osho.

Are you the smartest girl in porn?

That's a ridiculous question. I have no idea. What, do I look like a walking IQ test?

Who is the dumbest person you've met in the business?

The person who thinks they are going to be rich and famous like a rock star, hates anal and girls but does it on camera for the right price, stays up for days all methed up spending all their money on shitty drugs and stupid clothes, ends up penniless and a walking porn cliché. You know who I'm talking about, half of the folks in the San Fernando valley. To me that's sounds pretty dumb.

You were the star in Teravision's Broken, what did you think of that project?

I enjoyed it a lot it's closer to the stuff I want to do under my own direction. It's thematic without being lame and it's artsy without losing your erection.

For those who haven't seen you, give us the physical run down.

There are thousands of pictures of me on the web just google my name instead of a lame description you can have a vibrant image of my visage staring back at you from your lcd screen, trust me it's better that way.

We've seen you handle some big dicks. How does someone as petite as you handle that?

You just dig it or you don't. I dig it.

How long do you plan to be in the biz and where would you like to take your career?

Oh don't worry I'll be around for awhile if I can help it. I plan on directing soon and continuing to perform of course, diversifying my different business interests.

What turns you on?

Mental dexterity, sexual ambivalence, Chris & Cosey, Merzbow, Godard, Herzog, Harmony Korine, black metal, real tits, honesty.

What turn you off?

War, our government, that there's not yet a cure for HIV/AIDS, Chelsea Football Club, ignorance.

How long between your first sexual experience and your first porn experience?

About two years.

How was it different?

It was on camera and it was an orgy with some of the top names in porn.

Are there things you do on screen that you don't like off screen?

Nope. My feeling on this is if you don't like it then don't do it. You really don't make enough money to writhe in pain and risk hurting yourself mentally for some unsympathetic porn company making a shit load more money off of you.

Which celebrity should make the next big sex tape?

George W. Bush

Would you want to be in it with her/him?

Hell yeah I'd sport a strap on and fuck 'em in the ass just like he's done to us the past eight years.

Is there anything I forgot to ask that you really want to talk about?

Yes I have music/art project called atelecine, for my part in it I sometimes sing, play guitar, keyboards and tape loops that's right I said tape loops bitches. I like to get naked while I record. It's an experimental death dub orgasm kind of project and I also wanted to say support independent films go to an art house and watch something that confuses you and hopefully gets you to talk about afterwards even if you think it sucked.

How about if you pick a question you have never been asked and thrill us?

Nobodies ever asked me if I support condom only porn. The answer is YES until the health care system in this industry gets a whole lot better, I think folks in the biz need to wake up it's not just about HIV/AIDS. Also, educate yourselves young porn girls and guys.

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40 Comments |

154 References |

Georgia And The Fatal McNuggetini

Wednesday

Apr232008

In Which Georgia Encourages You To Get Drunk And Date

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 10:15AM

I Might Practice Santeria Once I've Had A Few Sangrias

by Georgia Hardstark

On a recent girls-night-out (yes guys, we have those and yes, we talk about you), my close friend, who we’ll call K, was reporting back from a first date with a guy who, before this date, seemed to have a lot of promise.

"What I Got" - Sublime

Besides him being cute and having an interesting job, K and this guy had hit it off upon meeting through friends at a bar. After a few email exchanges, plans were made to meet at a local coffee house. The verdict? “Well,” she told us over pint glasses of murky beer, "we just didn’t have much to talk about." "Oh," we all echoed disappointingly.

Georgia & The Divine Ms. Alie Ward

K is an awesome girl, and it had been too long since a guy of equal caliber had taken her out and shown her a good time. We all thought this new guy was a shoo-in. What went wrong?

They had both shown up to the coffee house (a swanky Silver Lake spot) on their vintage Schwinn fixed-gears, I’m sure she looked adorable in some sort of designer-yet-casual get-up, and they had sat in the outside patio drinking expensive lattes hoping, I’m sure, to capture that same connection they had experienced upon first meeting. But it didn’t happen.

I can has improved social chemistry?

We all puzzled over it for a moment, hoping to use our collective successes and failures at dating in order to dispense some sage advice to K. I was the first to speak; “Uhhh, maybe you guys just needed to get drunk?” was my bit of wisdom.

"The Wrong Way" - Sublime

I didn’t think it’d be well received, but to my surprise, the lovely M retorted with a spirited “yeah!” I was glad to hear I wasn’t the only one who thought of alcohol as a necessary means of getting through those first few, nervous dates.

"OMG you are HOT! I think?"

I’m a social person by nature, I always have been. Unfortunately, I also have a tendency to get overexcited and little spastic, which leads to extreme self consciousness, which in turn leads to me to forcing myself to sit quietly as to not embarrass myself.

Cue the shots of Jameson, pints of beer, or glasses of red wine.

Yeah I drink my wine in a box, so what?

Just as you might notice what he or she wore, what kind of car they drove, or if they have a tramp stamp, the type of drink a person orders tells a lot about them, too. My rule of thumb is; if a guy orders anything with cranberry juice in it, or anything pink for that matter. OK, hell, anything with any kind of mixer other than Coke (and I mean regular coke, not diet), then it’s probably not going to work out. In the same vein, if a girl orders a pint of beer, a whiskey on the rocks, or an Irish car bomb, marry her.

"Beyond the Sunset" - Hank Williams

There’s something about drinking alcohol, not even the “getting drunk” part (although that does come into play), but the actual act of drinking alcohol, which relaxes me and makes me feel more cool and collective. Is this alcoholism? I don’t know, but I don’t think so. What I believe it to be is “social lubrication”, and it’s a necessity for me when I’m dating someone new…someone I really like.

You may not want to get drunk enough to eat a bacon wrapped hot dog on the first date if you are planning on making out. If the date goes down in flames, however...

The first thing that makes drinking a necessity when dating is that it’s something to do. How much do you hate that “what do you want to do?" ”I don’t know, what do you want to do” back and forth that you have with someone when you don’t know them very well? A good answer to that question is “Let’s go have a pint at Red Lion” or “How about margaritas at El Coyote?”

Bob Marley Medley - Sublime

See? You’ve immediately indicated that a) you’re a take-charge kinda girl or guy, and b) you’re ready to have an intimate conversation with this person, which as we all know, is what normally happens when you drink with someone.

Georgia knows the drunker she is, the cuter her date gets.

A girl I know - let’s call her “me” - is dating a new guy, one whom she really likes. While driving home from a party (which would have counted as their 3rd or 4th date) Sublime came on the radio. Being somewhat intoxicated, (don’t worry, I…*ahem* she wasn’t driving) an excited and heartfelt solo sing-along ensued.

"Smoke Two Joints" - Sublime

Do you think the excuse of “but I’m from Orange County!” the next morning when relaying this mortifying experience to her friends would have sufficed? No, it would not. But! “I was drunk!” worked just fine. In fact, the drunken Sublime sing-along turned out to actually be endearing to this guy! Can you believe it?!

Sublime = That's when things got out of control!

Drinking in the beginning is a necessity is that it gives you a handicap. Did you tell him about the time you got pants-ed in fifth grade? Did he lean in for kiss and spill beer on your jeans? Did he pull his own finger and fart?

Let’s just say you have a lot of leeway when it comes do doing and saying embarrassing things while drinking, way more that if you did those things while sober. An added bonus is that telling that guy or girl things about your childhood which you wouldn’t normally share without first imbibing in some spirits, makes them feel closer to you.

For my third, I’d like to first request that my dad stop reading this. That’s right, Marty. See that little red “x” at the top-right of this page? Click it. Do it now, or we’ll both regret it for life.

No really dad, stop reading right now!

Okay, now that I’m without parental supervision…ummm, drunk sex? Possibly the most awesome thing ever! Guys, you know that embarrassing straight-edge tattoo on your back that you got in high school? Or that mole that looks strikingly like a third nipple? Or your insistence on leaving your socks on during sex?

Larry David and Woody Allen = Definitely Guys Who Leave Their Socks On During Sex

And ladies, you know how your ass jiggles a little too much when you’re unclothed? Or how much bigger your right boob is than your left when you’re not wearing a bra? Or those sounds you make in the middle of an orgasm that make you sound like you’re bat-shit crazy?

All those things are waaaaay less noticeable when you’re drunk, which is why it’s so hard for some people to have sober sex in the beginning of a relationship. Follow my advice, and those creepy bedroom habits of yours won’t be noticed until you’re a couple month into the relationship, which if you’re doing everything else right, he or she will be too smitten with you by then to dump you.

don't get toooooo drunk, lest you live the Sublime song below

"Date Rape" - Sublime

It’s a lonely world out there, folks. Having someone you love to belly-up to the bar with is a wonderful feeling. A few post-date hangovers is a small price to pay for that, don’t you think?

Georgia Hardstark is a contributor to This Recording. She had a million dollars but she spent it all on booze.

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5 Comments |

4 References |