In Which Lost Is The Word That You Heard

Dick Cheney's Lost recaps have been honored by The New York Times, The Boston Globe, The London Review of Books, Vibe, Ebony, TV Guide, Commentary, and Hawt Republicans Today.

jack thinks that ladybug is mocking him

Out of the Frying Pan, Into Appendicitis

by Dick Cheney

I can't believe I recently merited a recap post on This Recording. Between Frank O'Hara and Sasha Grey, this freak festival allots the space for a man they call Cheney, and I appreciate that.

Sorry I missed last week's Lost, it really was a thrill-a-minute if you think Ben and Sayid getting together, killing some people, going to Magnolia Bakery, hugging it out, is really exciting. Newsflash to Ben Linus: when someone kills your daughter, don't kill Desmond's gf. That's just sour grapes.

I was talking to Karl Rove the other day on gchat, check this.

NB: Karl is a big fan of my Lost recaps.

Now a mere one episode away from the beginning of the three-part finale, I can report the following:

you will have your appendix removed in a flashback very soon

Kate pictures Sawyer when Jack shames her with doctor sex.

Sex with a doctor usually occurs between shifts, and is degrading.

Sex with a mental patient is unpleasant but inexpensive.

Sex with a corpse causes mothers to abandon their children.

rousseau in the ground

Jack's thirty minute downward spiral was what drew Driveshaft lyricist Charlie Pace to return from beyond the grave with his disapproval.

Jack's dangerous encounter with alcohol pills reminds me of every morning before 9 am. Grow some balls Jack.

Jack's performance during his appendix getting removed was adequate at best. I once had a Malaysian prostitute remove my appendix with a copy of Newsweek, true story.

"Thank you for saving his life...from appendicitis."

"The Beaches All Closed" - No Kids (mp3)

...and he lets me live in this big house and takes me out of state even tho i'm on parole for vacays and such...

Things Kate is saying while she waits for Jack to come home:

"Hey, Aaron, fetch!"

"Sawyer, what's the weather on the island like? Is Locke still all crazy? Call me baaaaaack."

"Hurley, tell Jack it's not his child to raise. I know. I know. It's gonna freak him. Peace, Oprah is on."

the underground map that leads directly to the island's secret scrotum

Not really related:

I'm so obsessed with Georgia Hardstark's blog, it's ridiculous. Her thing on Coachella was so dope. She is second only to The Late Bloomer Finally Blooms in my cold little heart.

Did you know paper is worse for the environment than plastic? Finally someone vindicates a decision I made retroactively. Hopefully the Iraq War and the onset of global warming will be similarly justified.

Newsflash, I hate whales. I don't even know what a right whale is, but it would be more properly called a wrong whale.

Does Jeremiah Wright exist so Urkel has a tailor-made supporting role in the Barack Obama movie, Yes I Could? I'm going to produce his life story, too bad we'll probably have to cast Joseph Gordon Levitt or some shit.

Remember Stephan Urkelle? That was the greatest Family Matters storyline ever.

Have you guys heard the new Wolf Parade, it is the balls!

three-way, plz!

Jacob apparently has a machine that will bring people back to life. Can he resurrect Ana Lucia? And what happened to the women of Lost? The ginger above is the last remnant of sex appeal on this godforsaken island.

Evangeline Lilly looks like a menthol cigarette to me now.

Sun is pregnant which is a no-go in my book.

They killed off Alex, RIP my sweet little angel.

Even Rose is starting to look pretty good in a Star Jones-before-tummy-tuck kinda way.

I know I said I wanted Jack dead, but now I only want him to come back to the island with Kate and watch her run into Sawyer's arms. Jack getting sick isn't good for business, will Sawyer realize Ana Lucia gave him the straight herpes? Claire and her dad straight chillin' in the jungle makes me feel good. Daniel Faraday getting his first bonor makes me feel good. Jin strong-arming C.S. Lewis by threatening to break some metacarpals makes me feel good. The giant nugget of revelation will be opened by Lost. They're going to break open the bank. All appendixes on deck! All the people you thought were dead, are dead, except that guy who was dead, but isn't dead. Let's face it: Lost is now a Gertrude Stein chapbook.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Love is Wrong" - The Wish (mp3)

"Entertaining Us" - The Wish (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

We find Rae Armantrout disarming.

We’re nursing a small de Kooning love since this post.

Man gave names to all the animals.

i want to give you wedding rings