In Which We Have To Wait Another Month For Our Greatest Fear To Be Realized

Lost Must Bring It In One Month

by Dick Cheney

Lost

Week 8

Working from a script by comic book writer Brian K. Vaughn, Lost never seemed so predictably unpredictable as in last night's episode "Meet Kevin Johnson." Its violent last few minutes, punctuated by the death of a French philosopher, were the headshaking conclusion to a script that probably laid around too long in a drawer during the writer's strike.

Building up worthy adversaries is the easiest trick in writing. All you have to do is show the enemy being a super badass, and voila, you have an enemy worth risking everything to overcome. Lost is either purposefully ignoring this easiest of dramatic conventions, or they're lost.

Since Widmore has exposed to himself to be about as threatening as a pack of bees, there has to be something else at work here.

i already went through this with my daughter, NOW YOU???

Instead the Sayid-Desmond superhero team of inaction (The Ambiguously Ethnic Duo?) spends most of their time in bunk beds, and information specialist Sayid rats out Michael before he can even imagine what sort of use this information can be put to. I mean, dude. Who exactly are you loyal to, here?

for those thinking mr. friendly is time traveling, a month passed between michael leaving the island and his death

Moreover, it's becoming obvious that Widmore already knew it was Michael on the ship. How could he not? Do you really think after going to the trouble of faking someone's death that you're not even going to give a cursory examination to those whose deaths you are faking?

"Rich Kids" - Adam Green (mp3)

"Point Me Towards the Morning" - The Matches (mp3)

Lost's problem is abundantly clear - instead of pursuing a foolproof creative vision, they've spent the last months licking the balls of the ABC executives who greenlit Eli Stone and deserve to be forced to watched the trailers from the show like so many Dharma indoctrination films.

Sure it's bad when a writer has total creative freedom. I still feel emotionally and physically abused by the disaster that is the Parker Posey - Lauren Ambrose "comedy" The Return of Jezebel James. But it's even worse when they start catering entirely to their audience and/or suits.

You'd think Lost's creators would have some similar freedom. You would be wrong as rain if what they said about the four toed-statue is true.

"That's actually a great story. We did the four-toed statue on the show and basically we got a note back from the network, which was, 'This is too weird.' We're like, 'Do you watch the show? This is too weird?' And essentially they said, 'Could it be a six-toed statue?' If someone could explain why a six-toed statue is less weird than a four-toed statue, that's exactly what we will do."

The episode opened with a group scene that set the insidious tone for the rest of this episode - Let's sit around and recap some stuff for awhile!

ben's retreat/hideaway/bonor juice storage room

The problem is this: Lost has attempted to balance the interest of the hardcore fan and the interest of the casual fan, and that's a formula that just doesn't work. You need to cater hard to your fanbase, especially because this is all going to be mostly watched on DVD anyway.

ben is not going to like that make up or those highlights dear

At least they are catering to one of their biggest fans by providing more of the island's tru hottie, Alex.

"Sway" - The Rolling Stones (mp3)

one song lost recap

Michael's long-awaited return was balanced out by my long-suppressed hatred of him. What of Michael getting off the island in a boat? What would happen to him and Walt then? Well, they felt they could conveniently ignore that part of the story.

Harold Perrineau is apparently as annoying as the character he plays:

"Oh, I thought for sure it was Michael in the coffin," he said. "But I still don't know."

"I was hurt, really hurt," said Perrineau. "I told myself I had to watch the show, so I at least knew what was going on in case I was brought back, but then I was like, 'Why?' I never knew what was going on before. Why should I start trying to figure it out now?"

"I started with 'Lost,' so I really want to see Michael until the end," says Perrineau. "I don't know what that means. I guess I won't know what that means until the end. I just know I didn't want Michael and Walt to get on that boat and that be it. That didn't seem so cool."

Oh, that didn't seem so cool? I HATE YOU MICHAEL. There is but one thing that can clean the salty taste of Michael's tears for his son (boo hoo) from my mouth.

i want you inside me alex

That's better. Ben killing his daughter's mother and her boyfriend ranks as one of the all-time great 'fuck you' moves, somewhere between Tony Soprano taking down Christopher in the weirdest car accident in the history of television, and Rory cheating with Dean outside of his marriage on Gilmore Girls.

"She Makes Me Fall in Down" - Buva (mp3)

She is the one that can save Lost, if she can show half of the gumption that her Daddy did. Her Daddy killed his Daddy, and she must kill her Daddy. This development also leaves her conveniently single. My two cents: take Julia Allison's advice and don't start a blog about your personal life. That shit just gets complicated too soon, you know what I'm saying?

"Coming Around Again" - Carly Simon (mp3)

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He's currently on vacation until Lost returns.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Molly went in the time machine back to 1997.

Danish went to ye olde remix well.

I forced you to listen to The Verve and The Go Find.

the others are secretly vampires maybez?