In Which We Join The Dharma Initiative

Crank Dat Lost

by Dick Cheney

Winston Churchill tried to spend most of each day in bed. He took his meals there, read the newspaper there. He was a man like any other. Getting name-checked on last night's Lost was the finest moment of his life after death.

Never trust a man who thinks reading is a waste of time: Jack Shepard clearly isn't aware of how common illiteracy is among island populations when he chastises LaFleur for reading appears to be a biography of Merce Cunningham. Come on, Jack. You're against reading?

For example: I have heard Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner is functionally illiterate. What other reason would he have for not knowing that he gave AIG a blank check to compensate the executives that destroyed their company? Meanwhile, things are better in Iraq than ever. Vindication baby, one time.

Our leaders can be called a strange bunch. When I first met George W. Bush, he was a snotty undergraduate at Yale. He called all his male friends 'cowboys' and he called all the girls "puppies." There was little evidence of the man he would become. Who knew that someday he would ask Vladimir Putin to kill a thirty rack of Milwaukee's Best with him? The world is a strange place; I shot and killed a guy and nothing came of it, for example.

Cool and calculating, James LaFleur is more Winston Churchill than George W. Bush. He's made the strongest move in the book: he forced one chick to watch him get with another. Although this did not work in the seminal Ryan Reynolds film Just Friends, it did indeed work in the seminal Ryan Reynolds film Definitely Maybe. In either case, we have so much to learn from Mr. Reynolds.

Doug Feith dropped by the other day, and he asked me why it was that women responded so much better to him when he was getting regular action. Did they subconsciously know they had to go out of their way to take him from another? Soon enough, he was able to demonstrate this principle. (We were in a Cracker Barrel and the waitress was practically gargling his testes at the table.)

Since my name recognition among loose waitresses at chain restaurants is better than Doug Feith's, getting ass outside of my marriage is difficult. LaFleur has a similar conundrum.

If he starts fucking around on Juliet with Kate, he's going to start a shitstorm with a former doctor doing janitorial work, and sporting a kewt little flash of gray. Is it really Sawyer's fault that women are drawn to his khaki Head of Security jumpsuit?

never trust an asian billionaire

Making yourself the center of the action ensures complications. Ben got an oar to his head after he found Sun a way back to her husband.

the tasty little treat behind sun needs a bigger role

Women want to be around exciting men, but once things get too exciting, they bail and take up with Seth Rogen's character from every single one of his movies.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUM6NLeWQDc]

Note: I am waiting for someone to do a YouTube remix of Sun cracking Benry over the head with "Crank Dat" as the soundtrack. Don't let me down internet.

Ben and Sun made tromping through the woods reminded me of the two dogs in Homeward Bound. But back to our hard talk about LaFleur the leader and the two women that cherish his long con.

hold meeeee

Here's my advice, guy: raw, sweat-laden charisma can only take you so far. The second you start showing a woman you're actually a person, you'll be watching her cozy up to some d-bag named Kurt who's super-into moe. and dumped his girlfriend to take yours. Whoa, sorry. I had a bad experience and now everytime I meet someone named Kurt I want to scratch his eyes out. Meow. You know.

bitch you don't want to fuck with me

LaFleur has to decide between two very different pieces of tangy woman. Kate provides the thrill of ex-convict baby-abandoning intercourse - she wants a new fetus in her stomach so bad you're likely to catch her poking holes in your Dharma-brand Magnum condoms.

girl you ain't nothing but a slut to me

With Kate, the foreplay is awkward. She's used to having guys never say a bad word to her in the sack, and as a result, she's strange and salty-tasting. Her skin is worse than you can imagine up close; on the other hand, her vagina is shaped like a perfect circle. She still loves to run.

Juliet provides the thrill of ex-doctor baby-delivering intercourse. She's openly admitted to wanting a child as well, but she's already told you she's on the pill, so no worries until you wake up in a cold sweat one night and realize that the pill might not have been invented yet.

She's like all doctor types in bed - quiet, thorough, devoted and onstage. Scientists never quite let go: you can always see the analytical part of their brain turning and turning as they guzzle your swizzle stick. Juliet's vagina is shaped like a question mark, lending credence to the theory she may indeed be Mysterion.

How to decide? I think it's way too soon to dismiss Horace Goodspeed's betch from the equation. With her lazy attitude and proven fertility, she could make this a three way race. Her post-pregnancy hormones are still going high, and she's clearly the kind of woman who is invested in her own pleasure, the mere fact of which is a turn-on to the male of the species.

She's a dark horse in this competition, kind of like American Idol's Megan Corkrey. Fortunately when you bang Amy, you don't have to look at a godawful tattoo descending down her right arm. Due to natural childbirth, Amy's vagina is now shaped like a capital O. I guess what I'm saying here is I like Oklahoma to win it all.

Dick Cheney, the former vice president, is the senior contributor to This Recording. He previously discussed Jason Mesnick-Sawyer LaFleur concordance here.

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"Hold Onto What You Own (for Colin)" - Emmy the Great (mp3)

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