In Which We Wish You Had Believed Us

And You Said You Wanted To Go Back To The Island

by Dick Cheney

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

-- John 3:16

Life is full of important questions. Jack Shephard is the biggest control freak I know, so he has to take on the vast majority of life's crucial queries. For example -- if an Arab of indeterminate origin passes along his condolences before you board a flight with him to Guam, do you alert the authorities, or at the very least Benry Gale? Also, if you have sex with distraught Kate after she's abandoned Aaron to a well-meaning Los Angeles-area Jewish family, it's rape, right?

I can't start throwing stones in glass Dharma stations. Let's be honest: rape is a small price to pay. This is the island we're talking about. It is coveted, and to get something that great, like intercourse with a hot doctor, you have to pay a price.

pre-rape kate

A pendulum traverses the continents -- we presume of this world, but we don't know for sure. "The island is moving," Faraday's hot mother tells them. Uh, yeah. The entire earth is moving, old lady. It's called orbit, you daft witch.

Eloise Hawking's secret plan to get them back on the island includes "taking a flight" and "packing a nice pair of shoes." This is what my grandmother told me every time I visited her at the home, and yet I didn't act all weird like it was fate. RIP Grandma Chene-ster.

Of course, Mama Faraday is by no measure the wackest bitch to occupy Lynne and mine's television on a typical Wednesday night. That honor goes to American Idol's Tatiana, whose dreams of fame and stardom with her patented "international" renditions of songs we've all heard before. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Tatiana was also the name of the whore tiger who attacked some people at the San Francisco Zoo a couple of years ago. I believe my boss pardoned the tiger, but not the atrociousness of this blabbering wannabe. See ya, betch.

saving all my love for this crazy betch

Still, Tatiana is way better than Danny Gokey who is (a) 28 and (b) using his wife who passed away for cash purposes, much like George Constanza did on Seinfeld when he showed one photo of Susan to models in the meat-packing district to elicit their sympathies. Also, who the fuck sings "Hero"? He's lucky Chris Brown isn't his boyfriend. He's also lucky he didn't pick Jack Shephard's bed to sleep in. NO MEANS NO JACK.

As Jack is giving Kate a capital R and then pouring her orange juice and coffee (together?!?) before leaving to steal his grandfather's shoes and kiss Locke's bald head in his coffin, we can't help but feel sympathetic. Has one man ever had to handle so much?

it is traditional to make the lady a post-rape breakfast jack

Give the guy something to do with himself, and he's clean-shaven and purposeful. Give him a reason to doubt and he's whimpering "Jeremy Bentham stole my mojo" in an Austin Powers accent and Benry is holding him as he whines, "It's not your fault" in a even gayer version of that classic scene that ruined Good Will Hunting.

you're just so facking special Will

It took a man with real balls to write something this perverse and wrong. Actually, it took two big men to write this episode: executive producers Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof. (Although, to be fair, even Michelle Rodriguez is one bang away from getting an exec producer credit on this show. The opening titles now run into the half-hour mark.)

Does it make you feel tough to ruin Evangeline Lilly's career, guys? It wasn't enough that she dated a hobbit, now she's just another statistic in Joe Torre's Safe at Home Fountation? For shame.

J/K Carlton, we know you're a Red Sox fan. The real reason they needed the honchos to write this one is that their devious plan to get the Oceanic Six back to the island proper was to break out the rarely used Ocho Ex Machina, wherein eight implausible plot threads are glossed over because the guy who is supposed to keep track of continuity is too busy being interviewed by The New York Times and fucking the continuity chick on Life on Mars.

Maybe Carlton and Damon can record a cryptic podcast with hints for subplots that will later appear in the show as coy literary references. Wow, Ben's reading Ulysses. Is he majoring in English at Hampshire College at the tender age of 48, or did leaving the island simply sprout a vagina in his pants?

wait a second bro -- is benry gale actually james joyce? that would totally explain Finnegan's Wake

Hey assholes, do you really think we're just going to sit back and accept that your show has more loopholes then Obama's Retarded Bailout '09?

One of the messageboards I lurk on had the following point:

I don't think you can buy 78 seats on a flight and insist that the airline keep them open. I thought the rule was that if a passenger doesn't check in 10 minutes before take-off, the airline can give the seat away. I can see Hurley booking 1 or 2 extra seats because of his size, but not 78.

That is what you are questioning?!? People like this are out there, and a chimpanzee that just wanted some ass gets shot to death. Go sit in the dunce chair, internet user. God I hate what this nation has become when I stopped controlling it for just a single month.

clearly Good Will Hunting was more seminal than we thought

Let's focus on what we do know. We now know that it's Hurley's voice repeating the numbers from the radio tower to the Frenchies, years after/before he strangely heard his lucky ones muttered on the frequency.

this is the bare minimum, i hope you toned up since you had jin's baby sun

We now know that Jin has slept with nearly every woman in the Dharma Initiative, and when Sun gets ahold of his ass, he's going to have a lot of 'splaining to do!

We now know that Locke is destined to come back to life as a druid. He is the one who built Stonehenge; another mystery solved! They're in the Bermuda Triangle! Locke is a Decepticon! Michael Bay is helming Lost's season finale! Shock! Surprise! Rape!

jesus' wounds feel like a pussy, true story. it's in the bible

The hits just keep on coming. Ben r's Penny, Jack r's Kate. Eloise Hawking watches Locke kill himself after he gets in a last bang with the chick who escorts Sayid to the flight of doom. Eloise is pretty much Thomas the Apostle. In fact, due to time travel, she is the original Thomas the Apostle. And Locke is actually Jesus. Shit, now that the show is up against American Idol, how else are they going to appeal to the Christian demographic? That jackass Danny is a church choir teacher? We have Jesus.

Dick Cheney, the former vice president of the United States, is the senior contributor to This Recording. His location can only be reached through Al Ajira flights.

hell yes i put my finger in her asshole, what do you think?

THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS, NONE LEFT ALIVE

"Red Tide" - Neko Case (mp3)

"Prison Girls" - Neko Case (mp3)

"Don't Forget Me" - Neko Case (mp3)

"The Pharoahs" - Neko Case (mp3)

THE PAPER SAID SEVENTY FIVE

Cheney's Lost so far:

Observing your favorite betch covered in your own afterbirth is even worse. The only thing harder to get out of your mind is the image of Hugo Reyes in an orange jumpsuit.

Lynne wheeled me in front of the television for last week’s two hour premiere of Lost. I was more confused than Larry Summers at a wedding shower, or Rahm Emanuel if his penis accidentally got inside a woman.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

We came from the mountain.

Georgia puts a book down her pants.

From clay to stone.

the lamp post