In Which Shia LaBeouf Returns To Stick His Circumsized Tie Clip Into Your Audition Tape

I Will Follow (Up On Shia LaBeouf With You)

by Molly Lambert

Now that America has officially declared Shia LaBeouf its number one official most favorite Jew, I thought you might like to see how fame has affected our little babka.

"Crush" -- Mandy Moore

So now we know why Shia starred in two horrible Project Greenlight movies, Spielberg was just trying to keep him on retainer for future superstardom.

It’s easy to see why Spielberg sees “every mother’s son” in Shia. He looks like every mildly greasy kid that’s even gotten an undeserved hand-job at Jewish summer camp.

Plus he’s got that whole modest working class charm going for him. He’s also got that thing people call Tom Hanksiness meaning he's cute enough to inspire flutters in preteen hearts, but not so handsome that he’s off-putting or threatening to the majority of (schlubby) men.

It goes with a willingness to completely embarrass oneself in the name of comedy, a skill Hanks honed on Bosom Buddies and LaBeouf learned on Even Stevens. Disney Channel is the premier venue for broad mostly unfunny slapstick and sound effects.

The uber-goobly Spielgz at 26, guess now we know why he grew that beard.

Being a child actor is a slippery slope, for every Shia there’s a few thousand little Cody Banks whose agents drop them at puberty:

"I Wasn't Prepared" -- Eisley

Let us not forget the strange fate of our own gen Y Shirley Temple:

"The Middle of the Road" -- Johnathan Rice

Is there any movie star these days that didn’t launch on the Disney Channel? Their star making machine is a well-greased wonder. There’s a direct line from Hayley Mills to Hannah Montana with plenty of Ryan Goslings and Jodie Fosters betwixt.

Shia with the terrifying child actor who played the character Beans on Even Stevens:

Shia on set of The Greatest Game Ever Played. A movie about…golf? Didn’t Caddyshack sort of finish that genre off?

Shia and Tim Meadows in Hawaii, from the Even Stevens movie:

Here’s his hippie clown parents:

His next project, from the dude who helmed Disturbia, is called Eagle Eye.

LaBeouf, who stars in the Michael Bay-directed DreamWorks/Paramount actioner "Transformers," is finalizing a deal to play a young slacker whose overachieving twin brother has died mysteriously. When the young man returns home, both he and a single mother find they have been framed as terrorists. Forced to become members of a cell that has plans to carry out a political assassination, they must work together to extricate themselves.

Thanks for reading, faithful T.R. teenyboppers. Stay tuned for more Black Mountain hits and (hopefully less of) Scarjo’s tits.

Molly Lambert is no longer the senior contributor to this recording. Just kidding, but she will not be permitted to read the site should ScarJo perish in some kind of freak boating accident--we are guessing.

"Ballad of a Bitter End" -- The Poems

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

We have begun our discussion of the best books so far this year.

Will discussed his favorite songs of the half year. 

Bill Hendrickson met his soon to be fourth wife.

Comments

[anymajordude]

Is the "freak boating accident" a reference to Scoop? Because we may be the only two people who will know that. Sorry I told you to see that movie. I stand by my assertion it's sort of funny, but maybe I was just blinded by Jackman's showmanship.

[In Which We Deservedly Next So]

[...] do not “get” Josh Hartnett one bit. He’s a greasy unibrowed homonculus who can’t act. Anyway he made out with Rihanna. Team [...]

[In Which Britney Shebangs To V]

[...] MOAR ON THIS SHIA LA BEOUF STORY LATERZ [...]

[In Which Nearly Every Human Kn]

[...] The return of Shia LaBeouf. [...]

[Dee]

For future reference:
Actors of fully Jewish background: -Logan Lerman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Mila Kunis, Natalie Portman, Bar Refaeli, James Wolk, Julian Morris, Esti Ginzburg, Kat Dennings, Erin Heatherton, Odeya Rush, Anton Yelchin, Paul Rudd, Scott Mechlowicz, Lizzy Caplan, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Gal Gadot, Robert Kazinsky, Melanie Laurent, Marla Sokoloff, Shiri Appleby, Justin Bartha, Adam Brody, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Gabriel Macht, Halston Sage, Seth Gabel.

Actors with Jewish mothers and non-Jewish fathers -Jake Gyllenhaal, Dave Franco, Scarlett Johansson, Daniel Radcliffe, Alison Brie, Eva Green, Emmy Rossum, Jennifer Connelly, Eric Dane, Jeremy Jordan, Joel Kinnaman.

Actors with Jewish fathers and non-Jewish mothers, who themselves were either raised as Jews and/or identify as Jews: -Andrew Garfield, Ezra Miller, Alexa Davalos, Nat Wolff, James Maslow, Josh Bowman, Ben Foster, Nikki Reed, Zac Efron.

Actors with one Jewish-born parent and one parent who converted to Judaism -Dianna Agron, Sara Paxton (whose father converted, not her mother), Alicia Silverstone, Jamie-Lynn Sigler.