In Which Calista Flockhart's Husband Has A Problem With Us
Thursday, June 19, 2008 at 9:35AM 
The Deities
by Alex Carnevale
National Treasure: Book of Secrets
dir. Jon Turtletaub
124 minutes
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
dir. Steven Spielberg
124 minutes
When screenwriter/director Frank Darabont turned in his script for Indiana Jones 4 to Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, he was shocked by Lucas' negative reaction. They eventually got an acceptable David Koepp version and a few weeks ago the latest Indy hit the theaters. A shame, as the film could have been a lot better, whether the scripter was Darabont or our boy M. Night:
M. Night Shyamalan was contracted to write a version of “Indy 4″ sometime in the early 21st century after the phenomenal success of “The Sixth Sense” (which was coincidentally produced by Frank Marshall, a co-producer on Indy).
wait guys: are you sure we aren't robin wright penn and bruce willis?
Having heard horror stories from writers like Frank Darabont, who liken their experience working on Indy to a “waste of a year,” we expected the worst. So what does he recall from his adventure in Indy screenwriting?
“I was just gathering information at that point from all the deities,” Shyamalan said, referring to Steven Spielberg, Harrison Ford, Marshall, and George Lucas. “I haven’t seen the new one yet. I can’t wait.”
“I understand there are a few things we all talked about that are there,” Shyamalan insisted.
helen mirren's like, "THAT'S NOT THE MAYAN LANGUAGE"
We can only assume inferior Jurassic Park scribe Koepp looked to National Treasure and its sequel, National Treasure: Book of Secrets. Debuting in 2005 with little in the way of expectations, the PG franchise amused audiences with its Mummy-like repartee and unending action sequences.
Lucas surely admired these movies as well. They are everything he sees as desirable in the medium - appealing characters, vanilla romance, and fast action.
I had the pleasure of viewing the second National Treasure this weekend, and it would fit in well as an ABC afterschool special. It is truly the most inoffensive entertainment ever produced, and I mean that as the highest compliment. No film produced yet this decade has taken half the interest in American history as National Treasure, and none have made it entertaining for kids and adults trained to expect Indy-style gratification.
guys, when do we go to uniforms...guys?
Although Nicolas Cage looks as terrible as the deteriorating Mr. Flockhart, at least he doesn't mind being in a movie suited to his talents. Paired with the gorgeous Diane Kruger as his ex-wife and featuring Helen Mirren and Jon Voigt as Cage's squabbling parental units, NT:BOS dares you not to like it.
love the hat diane
You succumb - it's as useful a collection of PG-jokes and chase sequences as can be expected, ending with a prolonged finale at Mount Rushmore and a moral quandary atypical of its grade. It's quite easily a better movie than Shakespeare in Love, and the Crash that wasn't about car sex. In the case of the latter, it's a lot less racist, too.
later you will be forced to bang karen allen, aka the crystal skull. go now
The quest in both films is for the city of gold. Should we blame this coincidence on a lack of reportage from The Hollywood Reporter? Is it a Zionist conspiracy that both films last 124 minutes?
Scriptwriters just may have overestimated the lure of a city of gold. No matter. Koepp switches it out for another MacGuffin and back again with typical Indy speed. We spoke of Indy-style gratification, by which we mean the famous scene in which a sword artist displays his ability to Indiana and Professor Jones responds by shooting him with a pistol:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DzcOCyHDqc]
The directors abhorred this moment, because "it wasn't Indy." In fact it was exactly Indy, going for glib at all costs.
The movie they came up with for Indiana's return to the big screen is mind-numbingly awful. Karina already noted its many imitated parts in her review, but it's not just that Indiana reeks of collage and second-handerness, and inexplicably is about aliens in Roswell. (Clearly, George Lucas doesn't watch the WB.)
i need to start dressing like this and totally getting away with it
It's tempting to say that Spielberg has lost it, but he's always been a depressingly average storyteller who overwhelms you with his expertise behind the camera and star power.
Jones' counterpart is played by Cate Blanchett. Cate is the Stanislavskian Spielberg, in that all her performances are technically outstanding, amounting to nothing in particular. Her style is more suited for the stage - she's neither beautiful or charismatic enough for film. And really, it's not that there was someone better for this part, it's that the part never should have existed at all.
i just saw the briefcase from pulp fiction you guys
I already bagged on Karen Allen for being cast as the Crystal Skull in IJ:TKOTCS, but the actual performance is far worse. Jones' predicament, 20 years removed from his last one, is depressing. He has no life partner; he's about to be fired from his University for being a communist. He's a sad little man. (Leave it to Spielberg to present universities of the period as pro-government organizations looking to rid themselves of communist affliations. That's a laugh.)
mom you're resting your head on my balls
This desperate Indy looking to reclaim his magic is at odds with the Indy we want - the guy who survives a nuclear-level explosion of our disbelief in the film's opening sequence. Jones is a fun guy, not a tortured ne'er do well with a passion for seducing young Shias. If we are going to make popcorn-style no-thought required entertainment, let's at least make it educational, semi-accurate and fun, mmkay?
Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording when he's not hate-criming Liv Tyler. He lives in Manhattan.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYNTV61FeAs]
HIT THE WALL
"Churches Under the Stairs" - Brendan Canning (mp3)
"All the Best Wooden Toys Come From Germany" - Brendan Canning (mp3)
"Snowballs and Icicles" - Brendan Canning (mp3)
1. should harvey keitel be made the actual director of the FBI? would he be any worse than the real director?
2. nicolas cage's hairline has gone sub-pee wee herman level. His front row of hair is taped on. He needs to go to a wig, we'll support that nic
PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING
As of this writing, I am a bad person.
Welcome to the post-Freudian futureworld.
Reader Comments (1)
IN WHICH I ONCE AGAIN PROFESS MY LOVE OF 'THIS RECORDING!'
And, I have just added the word "flashbackery" to my ever expanding 'THIS RECORDING' vocabulary.
Thank you.
Mushi