In Which The Conspiracy Extends Right Into Amber Heard's Bra

The Triumph of the Schlub

by ALEX CARNEVALE

As a line in one of Beckett's plays inspired another play by Harold Pinter, so too is Pineapple Express brokered out of the awesome moment in every drug transaction when the customer says to himself, "How long do I have to stay here to avoid being a dick?"

rogen, franco, apatow, gordon green, a lady, a guy

The vast Jewish conspiracy dominates Nobel Prizes and virtually all comedy, whether it be in film or television. Without Jewish people, the history of comedy in America basically amounts to Becker, Richard Pryor and Everybody Loves Raymond.

The Jewish conspiracy had a big pow-wow at the Ritz Carlton in the Cayman Islands last month. I attempted to send Danish as the TR representative and have him wear a nametag that said, "tongue in cheek," but he told me he already has enough schlubby Jewish friends.

if her outfit means she's blind, that would explain a lot as to why elizabeth banks is with bob tuna's cousin, don tuna

This year's conference showed an influential propaganda film that we're going to try to market to teens and housewives: The Triumph of the Schlub. It will compel the hot Gentile women in American as well as the developing countries of the third world that it is totally okay to settle for an average-looking, slightly overweight Jewish person even if you yourself is hot.

amanda peet and david benioff (a slim schlub) at the PE premiere

Before we got down to business, we recited the pledge of The Conspiracy: "Forget about being a good man. Focus on being a good Jew."

The opening toast at the annual conference was to the scripter of the Pineapple Express, Seth Rogen.

Afterward we all ate a bunch of little children and plotted how to infiltrate the Obama administration, and I got a chance to sit down with Seth.

elizabeth banks and a man we presume is don tuna, on their wedding day

I looked him squarely in the cheeks and said, "No man on earth is doing more to turn schlubby jews like us into sex symbols than you. You're even better than Devendra. And I mean that, even though Pineapple Express was a little eh."

I then gave him a reverse handjob and we parted ways amicably.

note: a reverse handjob is when someone gives you a handjob. so i guess what i'm saying is, i got a handjob from seth rogen. continue.

Schlubs all over tumbl hard with the hottest women imaginable on their hairy arms, entering the UCB Theatre Goodfellas-style. After banging a baby into Katherine Heigl's stomach, Rogen's squeeze in Pineapple Express is an 18 year old high school senior played by Amber Heard.

more b & w heard here

Between Jason Segel making out with Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis in the same diegesis, and Jonah Hill macking on Emma Stone, I'm forced to wonder why these kinds of role models weren't out there for me when I was in high school reading Young Jewish Power Weekly, listening to Guided By Voices and eating string cheese.

This premise alone is enough for a whole barrel of laughs, and the hilarious cameo by Joe LoTruglio in the film's opening minutes promises more. But apparently they rewrote the script after Juno to eliminate the presence of Quirky-Aggressives.

Instead the guys are more into male bonding than the Rogen-dates-a-high-schooler plotline, which would have been a reasonable alternate future for his character in Freaks and Geeks. Too bad, because that is an absolutely awesome idea for a romantic comedy. 

elizabeth banks and the villain known as jenna fischer with their schlubs

Look people, there's a reason Will Hubbard now wears a yarmulke and doesn't shave. Parents and young women have united over a common banner: they prefer to have Jews in the lives of their daughters.

After all, don't they want grandkids who can, read, write; become doctors, lawyers, and Jews?

Answer: Two and a half out of three ain't bad.

leslie, kanye, judd

It's not just the remarkable emphasis on high income jobs and graduate-level education that you naive, innocent Gentiles hold in your cold hearts when you shack up with a schlub like Judd.

(BTW on the subject of your 'hearts,' Jewish hearts are three times the size of Gentile hearts. True story. In Kabbalah, this strange phenomenon is called "The Grinch" - Madonna had it done surgically.)

It's not simply the extremely high likelihood that the Jewish man your daughter meets will want a decent education for your grandchild; it's something more. In 1954 The Jewish Conspiracy readied the ultimate weapon against Gentiles:

The Hebrew people have come up with two of three opiates. (While no one really "invented" weed, Chris Martin is now Jewish by marriage.)

In the beautiful world of Apatow, the stoner ascends to a state beyond mere being. The symbol of the stoner, depicted on James Franco's tee-shirt throughout Pineapple Express, a kitty emerging from the mouth of a shark, is itself a narcotic inducement to descend into a trance-like state where things don't seem as bad as they really are.

leni riefenstahl's triumph of the will

The phrase 'bros before hos' is muttered ten to thirteen times in Pineapple Express, becoming a Manchurian Candidate-esque code word for adherence to the aims and practices of the Conspiracy.

are we sure this isn't a screenshot from oliver stone's W?

Drug movies are the polar opposite of war movies. As Francois Truffaut famously said, "All war movies end up making war look like fun." Well, all drug movies end up making drugs look about as fun as unprotected sex with Seth Rogen. Which is to say, moderately exciting for the first couple of minutes, and then depressingly uneventful afterward.

Movies featuring more upwardly mobile stoners have come along in recent years.

Pre-professional Asian and South Asian stereotypes enjoy weed and use it to get hot ladies...all the while, being scripted by Jewish writers. It's all part of our master plan to lulz the planet into total subservience, in the mouth of the whale.

jonah hill looking handsome at the PE premiere

The new stoner is a successful career man. In a time of T.J. Mackey, The Game, and John Edwards, the successful stoner is one who can captivate women purely by making them comfortable, a functioning part of the capitalist dystopia in which we now reside.

The real appeal of the stoner is in his childishness, the charming center of all Apatovian jokes. Judd's still remaking his childhood - presented so sweetly in the masterful NBC series Freaks and Geeks - and he re-imagines it again and again.

the apatow formula

If we were to break down the Apatovian joke to its gooey center, it starts with the innocence of a child. He says something unexpected, e.g. he tells you, "go fuck yourself." Then at the end of that, he'll throw in some combination of swear words to make it sounds like a new joke: "Go fuck yourself, cockdick." When something that adorable says something that horrible, you can't help but laugh.

But when he says it two hours into a movie with no discernible plot, it starts getting a bit tedious. Don't get me wrong - a comedy based off Rogen and Franco's witty improvisations with one another while Apatow giggles on the sidelines is still funny. It's just not as funny as it used to be.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He tumbls here. You can donate to the Jewish conspiracy here. Suddenly, we need the money.

"Ashamed" - Tommy Lee (mp3)

"Tropicana 2006" - Ratatat (mp3)

"End of the Line" - Travelling Wilburys (mp3)

"Rock Lobster" - The B-52s (mp3)

"Daughter" - Loudon Wainwright III (mp3)

"King Without a Crown" - Matisyahu (mp3)

"Smile" - Lily Allen (mp3)