In Which There Were Explosions On Both Sides

Sports Corner: Week 3

by George Ducker

"The King of Carrot Flowers Pt. 1" - Neutral Milk Hotel (mp3)

When you were young
You were the king of carrot flowers

Atlanta 38, Kansas City 14

And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees
And holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

Miami 38, New England 13

And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder

Washington 24, Arizona 17

And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor

Jacksonville 23, Indianapolis 21

As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

Minnesota 20, Carolina 10

And this is the room, one afternoon I knew I could love you

Denver 34, New Orleans 32

And from above you how I sank into your soul

Tampa Bay 27, Chicago 24

Into that secret place where no one dares to go

Philadelphia 15, Pittsburgh 6

And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking

Miami 38, New England 13!

And dad would dream of all the different ways to die

MIAMI 38, NEW ENGLAND 13

Each one a little more than he could dare to try.

Dallas 27, Green Bay 13

George Ducker is the senior contributor to This Recording. He lives in Los Angeles and is concerned, in hindsight, that the sausages should have been moved to the freezer.

Jeff Mangum

THE AVETT BROTHERS ARE SOMETIMES CONCERNED WITH PRETTY GIRLS

Pretty Girl From Cedar Lane - The Avett Brothers (mp3)

Paranoia in Bb Major - The Avett Brothers (mp3)

Go To Sleep - The Avett Brothers (mp3)

Will You Return? - The Avett Brothers (mp3)

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In Which We Give You Thinly Veiled Advice About How To Succeed

One of my favorite people in any walk of life is poker player Barry Greenstein. Greenstein made a fortune working for Symantec and quit in 1991 to play poker professionally. He is probably the most winning player in the history of poker, and one of the five best poker players currently playing today. His 2006 classic Ace on the River: An Advanced Poker Guide beats the hell out of poker books by James McManus and A. Alvarez. Barry isn't Tolstoy, but his advice is of interest to poker players and people in all aspects of life. Here now an excerpt from that classic tome, which you can purchase here. - AC

The Game Went On

from An Ace on the River

by Barry Greenstein

I have come to expect to play with some people who are not very likable. Most of them are not my friends, so I don't get upset if they don't act in a civil fashion. It comforts me that I am taking money from flawed people rather than from nice people. Players who are crybabies deserve something to cry about. A successful poker player looks for any flaw in his opponents' personalities and uses it as motivation to beat them out of their money.

Fortunately, it is easy to find flaws. I like to beat up on the bad winners, bad losers, slowrollers, dealer-abusers, chauvinists, racists, egomaniacs, lesson-givers, coffee-housers, loudmouths, etc. The only nice people I want to beat are rich people who will not suffer financially. Poker is entertainment for them, and my poker wins are only a byproduct.

It is important to remember to be quiet if you are winning so you won't irritate those who are losing. The player who wins the pot should let his opponent win the argument. If you have a joke to tell, don't tell it until you are losing and the live ones are winning. I used to play in a game where we found a way to handle the problem of incessant rambling by the winning players. We made it a rule that only losers could talk. It was a very quiet game and was good training for my poker career.

Losers will not get sympathy in a poker room. Since the majority of players lose, they often enjoy and even celebrate the misery of others. It is amazing how many players, looking for sympathy, will show their losing hands and even explain how they made the right laydown, and in so doing, give away their strategy. Apparently it is important for each of them to attract endorsements from others in his quest to be known as the unluckiest player in poker history. Of course, most of these complainers have a very selective memory. When they win a hand they shouldn't have been in, they quickly forget, but when they get beat, they act as if they've been assaulted.

laura prepon

Winning players sometimes have to abide by different rules than losing players. Even in retaliation, a winning player should avoid killing opponents' hands on technicalities, or needling, slowrolling, or otherwise humiliating a losing player.

I rarely show my hand when there is no showdown, even if I have made a nice bluff. An opponent who shows all his bluffs is teaching me how to beat him. I get a line on his play and can be confident I made the right play when I fold and he doesn't show his hand.

laura prepon, bijou philips and danny masterson

Because I often win, I try to keep a low profile so that I am perceived as just another player who suffers the ups and downs that all poker players must endure. Of course I have had bad streaks and suffered losses, so I understand and can commiserate with players who have been losing. However, I don't give them the irrational hope that they can be as successful a gambler as I have been.

barry the hebrew hammer

If I stay off other players' radar screens, I can fool them more often. I don't want to have my style discussed by other players. If I give the impression I have been doing well, it only invites borrowing and staking requests, business propositions and setups by scam artists.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Kjd1ZipWdI]

I try to condition myself to be humble. If an opponent criticizes a play that worked out well, I don't defend myself. Without being facetious, I might say, "Stick around. I'll make worse plays than that." If someone praises me, I remind myself that I have been fortunate. If I brag about how smart I am, how cleverly I played a hand, or how well I have been doing, in the back of my mind I say, "You deserve to lose for being so cocky." Overconfidence can lead to carelessness in decision-making. The poker gods can provide a run of bad cards that will make anyone look foolish.

shannon elizabeth

In the poker society, I try to be polite to people I don't like. If I want to fight with someone, I do it over the poker table by beating him out of his money. Some people are miserable and it's miserable to be around them. Others may be desperate. I don't want to antagonize people who could make me the target of their desperation.

Kim Lansing

I don't usually socialize with my opponents. When I become too friendly with losing players or players with negative-expectation lifestyle, I find it uncomfortable to play hard against them and turn down their requests for money. If I am good friends with another strong winning player, losers in the game will suspect collusion and may avoid playing in games that we both are in.

barry at the table with his son Joe Sebol

It is important to prevent the catalysts in a game from destroying themselves. It's bad business to destroy people. I want the catalysts to do well enough to keep the good game surrounding them going for years. Players often talk about a killer instinct and think all winners have to be heartless. It is isn't true and isn't pragmatic.

I want the losers to feel comfortable. A winning player readily offers condolences to the unlucky card catchers around him.

mike matusow

Example: There was a bookie who made a lot of money booking the sports bets high-stakes players. After a golf outing, the players played some Chinese poker and the bookie joined the game, even though he was a novice. He misplayed almost every hand and was losing badly when he said, "I never get any straights or flushes." He put down his hand with Aces in the back, Kings in the middle, and Jack-Seven-Six in the front. But he had a Jack, a Seven, and a Six for kickers in the back two hands!

Everyone was silent when they saw how badly he had misplayed his hand. They all realized that he would have beaten everybody if he had played Aces in the front hand and two pair in each of the other two hands. (This play is obvious to anyone who is proficient at Chinese poker). The bookie sensed something was wrong and asked Doyle Brunson, "Doyle, do you see any straights or flushes?" While the other were holding their breath and biting their tongues to avoid laughing, Doyle calmly replied, "No I sure don't," and the game went on.

Barry Greenstein is the greatest poker player alive. Buy his book here.

ALSO IN THE DISCUSSION

Daniel Negreanu

Phil Ivey (with Doyle Brunson, the greatest who ever lived)

Erick Lindgren

Tuan Le

Gus Hansen (with David Williams and some fish)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_cze-w4sCA]

THE FIVE BEST POKER BOOKS EVER

5. The Biggest Game in Town, A. Alvarez

4. The Theory of Poker, David Sklansky

3. Positively Fifth Street, James McManus

2. Ace on the River, Barry Greenstein

1. Super System, Doyle Brunson

POKER PLAYING MACHINES

"Rudiments of a Spiritual Life" - The American Dollar (mp3)

"Signaling Through the Flames" - The American Dollar (mp3)

myspace

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In Which We Are Not Learned But We Have As Good Feelings As Any Man

"Dark Is The Night" - Jack Rose (mp3)

Sports Corner: Week 2

by George Ducker

Carolina was down 17 - 3 in the 3rd quarter against a persistently morale-crushing Chicago Bears when, after a dispirited drive that lead to only 3 points from John Kasay's field goal, Greg Olsen fumbled his second ball of the day, leaving the Panthers only spitting distance from a touchdown. Which they scored. Delhomme pounded his chest like King Kong.

Nice playbook

Call it a momentum shift. Call it dumb luck. Call it a Bears offense that just couldn't seem to connect. Whatever it was, it translated into a squeak of a win (20-17) for the Panthers who, after last week's eye-popping touchdown in the final seconds against San Diego, seem to be primed for a season full of fancy nail-biters. When Oliver Stone makes his next football movie, which he probably should, Paul Schneider will play Jake Delhomme and get every nuance just right.

"Furr" - Blitzen Trapper (mp3)

"This Is What" - Horse Feathers (mp3)

Denver blew shit up in the first half of their game against the much-heralded-but-why San Diego Chargers. Then they sat there during the 3rd and 4th quarters and considered their grocery lists while San Diego roared ahead, to 38-31 lead. Then, something mysterious happened. With next to no time left and the Broncos all up in the red zone, Broncos QB Jay Cutler reared back to pass and managed to chuck the ball backwards.

It was a strange move that could never have been done intentionally. It was like the laws of physics laughing at the whole state of Colorado. It was like America's Funniest Home Videos where Dad falls from the third floor balcony head-first. It was a fumble. There is no question that it was a fumble. There was no forward motion involved whatsoever.

Only, the referee didn't see it that way. Ed Hochuli ruled it an incomplete pass and whistled the play dead. Even though replays proved the call in error, that whistle prevented the Chargers from claiming their rightful turnover and the Broncos recovered possession.

Cue a series of sideline aneurysms from Norv Turner. Cue the following touchdown catch by Eddie Royal, which Cutler threw with precision, and the following two-point conversion, which Cutler also threw with precision. It was a ballsy move, considering the cicrumstances. Can you imagine the riots if this had happened at Qualcomm Stadium?

Cutler, Royal

Shanahan made the right call. The Broncos won. These things just don't happen.

"It is my meditation all the day, and more than my meat and drink, to know how I shall make the Saints of God comprehend the visions that roll like an overflowing surge before my mind." - Joseph Smith

BYU's Dennis Pitta and friends.

Eastern Carolina University isn't the only new sundry in the AP Top 25 store. They're right next to No. 14 ranked Brigham Young, who broiled the UCLA Bruins on Saturday 59-0. Jesus. This was the same team that beat Tennessee last week?

Some of the wives and daughters of Brigham Young.

But maybe I shouldn't be so surprised about UCLA's hellish drubbing. An aggregate score of the Bruins' last two losses in the state of Utah is 103 - 6. I would only be surprised if Coach Neuheisel isn't hanging in effigy somewhere near the Rose Bowl. A Lion of the Lord he ain't.

Joseph Smith, Brigham Young

Penn St. 59, Syracuse 13

"On a Saturday" - Herman Dune (mp3)

The AP's new ranks are here.

And here is a handy guide to the emotional configuration of the BCS selection process.

But now, what do these winds of upstart change portend? Darren Everson works his way through the unfortunate possibilities surrounding BCS berths for more than one postage-stamp sized programs:

"The BCS, a five-game postseason arrangement involving four premier bowls and a rotating national-title game, provides for one smaller-conference team to automatically qualify, but only one. This hasn't been a problem since the present rules went into effect for the 2006 season. Boise State and Hawaii, both of the Western Athletic Conference, were the only undefeated teams from non-major conferences in 2006 and 2007...But a second such team would have to be taken as an at-large selection, which has next to no chance of happening. The big-conference schools command too much respect (and generate too much money) for that to occur most years."

The only thing more surprising than ECU, BYU and Utah going 3-0 is discovering that the WSJ has sports coverage.

Derrick Washington outruns most of Nevada.

"Hologram Buffalo" - Brightblack Morning Light (mp3)

Lastly, David Foster Wallace died on Friday night. He was a junior tennis player and, indisputably, a genius. Read his article, in 2006, about the genius of Roger Federer.

George Ducker is the senior contributor to This Recording. He lives in Los Angeles.

Big Sur

Small Sur

SMALL SUR

"I Love the Sun" - Small Sur (mp3)

"Sanddollar" - Small Sur (mp3)

"Tones" - Small Sur (mp3)

"The Kelp" - Small Sur (mp3)

"Sea Stones" - Small Sur (mp3)

Small Sur Myspace

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from here

In Which Gradually He Thought He'd Introduce The Night

Sports Corner: Week 1

by George Ducker

The Angel of Despair passed low over New England, Kansas City and Tennessee. He struck swiftly and violently and, if one can really believe in the mathematics of favoritism, he went after the pretty boys. Tom Brady was laid low by a 1st Quarter knee grab from Chiefs' safety Bernard Pollard. He's out for the rest of the season.

"A replica of earth
except there was love here.
Doesn't everyone want love?

He waited many years,
building a world, watching

Persephone in the meadow.
Persephone, a smeller, a taster.
If you have one appetite, he thought,
you have them all.

That's what he felt, the lord of darkness,
looking at the world he had
constructed for Persephone. It never crossed his mind
that there'd be no more smelling here,
certainly no more eating.

A soft light rising above the level meadow,
behind the bed. He takes her in his arms.
He wants to say I love you, nothing can hurt you

but he thinks
this is a lie, so he says in the end
you're dead, nothing can hurt you
which seems to him
a more promising beginning, more true."

From "The Myth of Devotion" - Louise Gluck

But, like some ancient Babylonian retribution law, it didn't take long before babyface QB Brody Croyle was sent duly packing with a bruised shoulder.

Brody and Kelli Croyle

Obviously, Brody is no Brady and it it's arguable that Kansas City's bleeding offense will really suffer for it. He will probably be back soon. But will anybody care? Besides Huard?

The third character in our tragedy, Vince Young, also went down with a knee injury. There's some strangeness surrounding Young's sideline behavior in the period leading up it. Young spent some moments refusing to go on the field after a second interception on the previous drive resulted in a cavalcade of boos from Titans faithful. He took the field anyway. Four plays later, he was down.

Hammurabi sez: "Let Cassel play!"

But ultimately, for New England fans desirous of a kind of viral rebound after last year's pathetic Super Bowl performance, I can only offer words of sympathy. Story-wise, this is a bit like killing off Drew Barrymore in the opening scene of Scream. The field is wide open. Let the blood flow.

"The Rape of Proserpina," Joseph Heintz

"You Losin' Out - Two Gallants (mp3)

Lloyd, Orton, Forte

Blood flowed happily from the Indianapolis Colts, as the Bears outclassed them 29-13 in their own house. Upset central. Kyle Orton, looking very much like Jason Lee from My Name is Earl, even figured out how to pass the ball--which he did, with often frightening accuracy. Much heat was generated by rookie Matt Forte, who ran for 123 yards and one touchdown. It doesn't sound like much, especially against the Colts, who by all rights should have handed Chicago their own ass, but keep your eyes on Mr. Forte as the season winds on and remember, it's pronounced Forté.

The Tornado from Tulane.

Julio Cortazar

"I'll always have a clear memory of it because it happened so simply and without fuss. Irene was knitting in her bedroom, it was eight at night, and I suddenly decided to put the water up for mate. I went down the corridor as far as the oak door, which was ajar, then turned into the hall toward the kitchen, when I heard something in the library or the dining room.

The sound came through muted and indistinct, a chair being knocked over onto the carpet or the muffled buzzing of a con­versation. At the same time, or a second later, I heard it at the end of the passage which led from those two rooms toward the door. I hurled myself against the door before it was too late and shut it, leaned on it with the weight of my body; luckily, the key was on our side; moreover, I ran the great bolt into place, just to be safe.

Atlanta 34, Detroit 21

I went down to the kitchen, heated the kettle, and when I got back with the tray of mate, I told Irene: 'I had to shut the door to the passage. They’ve taken over the back part.'"

Eastern Carolina 24, West Virginia 3

From "House Taken Over" - Julio Cortazar

Murray beats Nadal 6-2, 7-6 (5), 4-6, 6-4

Federer beats Murray 6-2, 7-5, 6-2

George Ducker is the senior contributor to This Recording. He would like to thank JL for the early game and JRS for the beers. About Sunday's Murray victory--he didn't actually predict this, but he sure implied it.

Well hello, TV On the Radio

A Smattering from Dear Science,

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"Family Tree" -TV On the Radio (mp3)

"Love Dog" - TV On the Radio (mp3)

"DLZ" - TV On the Radio (mp3)

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Averno. Buy it here.

In Which Don't Say You Love Us When You See Our Money

Sports Corner: Pass the Pigs

by George Ducker

There are a handful of ways to parse out Clemson's loss to the Alabama Crimson Tide on Saturday night in front of a mortifyingly large Prime Time audience.

Firstly, the Tigers have a sad and sappy history of losing the big games.

"And In His Eyes, I Saw Death," Ejnar Nielsen

Secondly, the highly touted Clemson offense rushed like blind men on the field for a whopping game total of 28 yards.

Not blind. Perhaps even an Alabama fan.

Thirdly, in the Dueling Paychecks Bowl, we found out who's worth more of your college tuition.

"Got Money" - Li'l Wayne (mp3)

This year Nick Saban will make $3,750,000. Tommy Bowden will make $2,250,000. Give or take.

If you go here, you can weigh your salary against Saban's with a handy internet calculator.

Cullen Harper

My theory contends that Clemson suffered a noted loss in morale due to the closing of Seneca strip club Tiger Tails. Word is not out on whether Cullen Harper or C.J. Spiller spent much time in the club's warm embrace, but one has to wonder if perhaps it should re-open, at least for the duration of the season.

Tiger Tail

The postage-stamp sized East Carolina pulled off a pretty handy upset against #17 Virginia Tech when T. J Lee blocked a punt and ran it in for a touchdown with less than two minutes remaining. Not quite the Appalachian State smearing of #3 ranked (I think) Michigan last year, but good and embarrassing nonetheless.

"It Was a Pleasure Then" - Nico (with Velvet Underground) (mp3)

“There’s no excuse for that,” Coach Frank Beamer said of Lee’s block.

There's kinda no excuse either for "Beamer's" forgetting the name of his brand new granddaughter while talking to ESPN sportscasters before that very game.I'd like to think she got her tiny revenge.

Say mah name betch

The Missouri Tigers' 52-42 win over Illinois pleased me greatly.

Derrick Washington, Mizzouligans

The USC Trojans' win Saturday which, of course, was unsurprising by anyone's standards, also pleased me greatly. But I'm at a loss to explain why.

I hate USC fans, generally. They bought up all the tickets to every game this season and they probably did it back in January or something. Rumors swirl at this very moment regarding the installation of a small landing strip behind the Coliseum, near the Natural History Museum, so that season ticket holders can park their private jets.

"Money Love" - Slim Smith (mp3)

Pleasant Pete

I have this notion, though, that Pete Carroll is a grand football robot in the tradition of Vince Lombardi, just on a collegiate scale. Apparently he only sleeps four hours a night and drives around the South Side of Los Angeles in a van trying to keep kids out of trouble. It don't think Vince did any of this, but he did wear sharp suits. Bring the suits back, people.

Pernicious Pete

And, in tennis...

I know at least one gentleman in New York who might already have an inkjet of this up on the wall.

Tiger Tail

Apparently, Rafael Nadal has already had second thoughts about bearing the bosoms for his (nonetheless) grateful public.

"Could Be Worse" - Eef Barzelay (mp3)

It could be worse, dammit. Rafa could have been like American tennis dude James Blake, who lost to another American tennis dude Mardy Fish on Saturday. Now Blake has to fulfill his obligations as Fish's groomsman. Incidentally, Fish is marrying Stacey Gardener, of TV's Deal Or No Deal.

"Folios" - The New Year (mp3)

Serbian Jelena Jankovic beat Denmark's Caroline Wozniack on Sunday

And lastly, every single human on the planet deserves to know that Cincinnati Bengals' receiver Chad Johnson has had his name legally changed to Ocho Cinco. It seems that he did this simply to piss off Bengals' coach Marvin Lewis, who, after last season, began referring to Johnson as "Ocho Psycho." Chances are, if Johnson doesn't perform next weekend, Lewis may pummel him to death with a press room microphone.

George Ducker is the senior contributor to This Recording. He lives in Los Angeles. At his current salary, it will take 3.0 lifetimes for him to reach Nick Saban's yearly pay.

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Suits!

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