In Which We Miss The Stolid Romance Of Our Thrones

Momma

by DICK CHENEY

Now that Littlefinger is back, I don't have to cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't have to, but I still do, mainly because The Grinder was canceled and I have no way to feel better about things besides googling the words "Rob Lowe old." We all need small comforts. I don't know what Littlefinger does when he is feeling a little down; maybe masturbates a dire wolf? Possibly he just takes a day off from plotting and feeds the birds.

Littlefinger's return could have presaged the death of an honorable warrior of the Vale, but I have truly no idea what the point of this character is anymore. In the coming war against the Lannister-Tyrell armies Daenerys faces an opponent who cannot even evict a bunch of religious wretches from their city. What possible match could the armies of Westeros be for dragons?

In two out of three episodes of Game of Thrones, Emilia Clarke displays her chest. This feat has gotten progressively less interesting over time, especially since in this episode she slaughtered a bunch of guys who only made vague threats along the lines of, "You are subject to the patriarchy," and "You will not be reading Jezebel in the near future." If they were going to harm her, they probably would have already.

Sexual violence is indistinguishable from actual violence in Game of Thrones, which is how you know this is a series conceived by men so that they can imagine women in their own image. Whether there is any actual difference between the sexes I don't really know, except to say I would not be caught dead in Dame Tyrell's outfit.

The conversation between her and the Lannisters was long overdue — I mean how long were these people going to sit around having small council meetings, like another three seasons? Queen Margaery has been eating gruel and her own hair this whole fucking time.

The writing for Tyrion Lannister on Game of Thrones is more painful than ever. He has zero chemistry with Grey Worm and there are no romantic options for him in the East at all. Daenerys gave him someone to play off of, but they were separated as soon as he got to Mereen, which turned out to be a terrible dramatic decision.

The set design in this episode was really on point, though. The temple where Tyrion met with the slavers, giving them seven years to end slavery seemed like a livable house, and the big tent that Daenerys burned down had a ghostly symmetry reminiscent of Braavos. It's disappointing that the only history we get into is the events of Robert's Rebellion — I long thought that the later part of Game of Thrones would explain such mysteries as the environmental disaster that was the doom of Valyria. I don't have much hope for that anymore.

Last episode probably should have ended with the triumphant Jon Snow-Sansa Stark reunion, instead of him tromping south but then returning when he realized he did not have any of his things. Now that Jon has an entire ginger army ready to fight for him, I hope he takes out Ramsey Bolton quickly. Then we won't have to see Ramsey doing something kind of mean each week to remind us of what a dick he is.

Like most people, I have no memory of Sansa Stark being cruel to Jon Snow. I guess she said he was just a bastard. Given how things went, it would have made more sense to have them be friends when they were children, which suggests George is just throwing shit at the wall.

I was going to say we only saw one death this week, but I guess it was more like fifty or sixty. A lot of unimportant characters will be on the chopping block soon. Tommen Baratheon is so ineffectual I expect that his mother will slaughter him every time she goes in for an embrace. As an aside, the constant weekly emphasis on how Cersei would do anything for him seems to be leading to a betrayal of some kind, but I suppose it could also be leading to the end of Cersei. The Lannisters don't seem to have a lot of clear direction and I'm really unsure if we are supposed to hate or love them at this point.

I don't really remember the Onion Knight meeting up with Brienne, but I suppose if they could find love with each other, that could potentially be a best-case scenario for all involved. They could pillow talk about who loved which Baratheon brother more, and fantasize about the two becoming close friends again and ruling Westeros in a partnership for the ages. 

Maybe that is stretching, but Game of Thrones needs some romance, badly. It used to be someone was getting fucked right and left, but now sex has been relegated to the alleyways of the Dothraki settlement, where one young lady was having the best feast night in recent memory. No one has fallen in love in some time in the land of Seven Kingdoms, and even Samwell has been unable to consummate things due to his seasickness. Time to couple up you guys.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Gamma" - Rodion (mp3)

"Colazione" - Rodion (mp3)

In Which We Unfathered Jon Snow In Retrospect

He Is Something

by DICK CHENEY

Jon Snow isn't Jon Snow anymore. He is no longer that something, he is now another, peripheral thing. He falls in love and regrets his choice. She dies, unfortunately, and he becomes otherwise. He is a new man; he is always becoming a new man.

Why isn't everyone afforded the privilege of rebirth? Only the Starks are lucky enough to get to make pledges and gain allies, changing who they are. It is, in fact, what distinguishes them from the animals. I have to admit it is nice to see revenge finally in the offing. I find myself feeling more sympathetic to the Lannisters — but shouldn't it be other way around?

I have written some negative things about Donald Trump in this space. Now that he is the candidate for sure, I have gotten a number of questions that I don't feel I need to answer. He's just an annoying man for godsakes. He never was a Republican. Just because someone has a bad personality, doesn't mean they can't be president. Harry Truman was a dick. Still, I will answer some of your questions:

Did Samwell Tarley father a child? I forgot.

No, he is just the kind of man who cares for another man's baby, like whoever is dating Selena Gomez at this moment.

Do you think Trump will win, and if he does, how much of a catastrophe would it be for Murica?

Yes, I think he will win. If Clinton chooses Julian Castro, it looks like pandering, plus he and his twin brothers resemble the Mexican cartel twins in Breaking Bad. If she chooses Elizabeth Warren, as is more likely, it reduces her main strength as a candidate by rendering her history making story less unique. She really needs to choose Tom James from Veep.

Who would you say has a "good personality"?

Fiona Apple, Margaret Atwood, Neil Gaiman and anyone named Molly. I would not want to be friends with Lena Headley — how many times can you listen to someone describe their bowel movement without hoping they'll never have another? So many crucial events in our country's history would be different if people refused to drink coffee at night.

You know someone has a good personality when they are clearly, obvious humble, but everything they say somehow reflects well on them, and not even minutely negatively. They are holding the world back with their pinkie finger. This digit looks slightly wet, but upon closer inspection is drier and cleaner than anything you have ever inspected so closely.

How does this relate to the HBO situation comedy Game of Thrones?

Throwing up in a bucket is not a personality. I'm glad Samwell Tarly found a woman who was so thrilled not to be wintercoursing with her father that she accepts him for who he is. (This is just about the only way that will ever happen, regardless of gender, in my experience, so do yourself a favor and hide who you really are.) But wanting to help Jon Snow is not a personality.

This episode was a fucking chore. Long, badly written conversations between Tyrion and his eunuch-friends? More fucking time travel that tells us nothing important about Robert's Rebellion and suggests that Ned Stark was twelve when it occurred? Jon Snow looking at people sadly for fifteen minutes?

Real people have conflicting motivations. Characters on Game of Thrones are disturbingly single-minded. This trend has been going on for quite awhile now, but in the books it was mitigated by a sense of inner turmoil that we don't have time for here. Arya Stark spent all of two weeks in training to be a faceless man. It is nice that she is an invulnerable magic assassin now, but I come to Thrones for the deep feelings within me and the Littlefinger jokes. After this episode I just felt cold.

Do you think Daenerys Stormborn can afford an acting teacher? She should look into that.

Yeah. Things reach a nadir when Lena Headey and Emilia are presented back to back. It is like watching a movie and its pornographic parody in the same sitting.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Decks Dark" - Radiohead (mp3)

In Which We Research All Of Your Lore Questions

Sit Back & Thrones Me

by DICK CHENEY

Bran Stark is 400 years old now. He has lived so long quietly enjoying the past in that wizened tree shed that he now looks like Zayn Malik crossed with a peasant boy. Maybe instead of going back to his father's time he can warg up a prequel series about everything that happened in Robert's Rebellion, since the world of Westeros is coming to an end and all he can think to do is curl up in the snow.

Not only is Bran now a full-blooded adult male looking to score with that intriguing young woman from the salt marshes, but he has become ethnic, which is a twist almost none of us could see coming. The people of the salt marsh are akin to the Israelites, and if that's the case, then the wargs could be like Christians, bringing a new faith to Westeros in the guise of their suddenly Jesus looking paraplegic.

Even without the use of his legs, he is the hero we deserve. Everyone else is mediocre in comparison to New Bran. I hated Old Bran because of the whining and whinging, I love the new Bran because he is our Lord and rightful king of the north.

I take copious lore notes during every episode of Game of Thrones. Over time I have collated most of the pertinent details surrounding the life of Aerys Targaryen. He was the Mad King, and it has now clearly been verified by a reliable gossip in the shit quarter of King's Landing that penis envy was the main cause of the Rebellion.

It must be weird to have been married to someone and never think or talk about them, as Cersei Lannister does. Her former husband Robert Baratheon was an impotent alcoholic, and I understand that his death was necessary in a lot of ways. He wasn't really much of a character, but no one ever discusses him. None of these Stark children even talk about their parents, either, especially their mother, who died in a retcon.

The dead fade so quickly from memory in a world where perishing is a constant part of the experience. Roose Bolton and Balon Greyjoy were some of the most underwritten characters imaginable, and the similarity between the sudden turn in their fates lessened the impact of both. (I'm really starting to hate the North.) I wish George had never committed to finishing these books. I realize they are a major cash cow and he sold the rights too cheaply, but there is really no reason this show needs to stop. The books are clearly less than at this point, and as a former television producer, George should know that.

Catelyn Stark came back to life in the books for no reason, but it was deemed that this would steal too much of Kit Harington's thunder. As that old woman was bringing him back to eXistenZ in the least surprising development since it turned out that Kristen Stewart is gay, I was screaming at the television and calling these people various names. I was also making lore notes at the same time, but the screaming was my dominant motif.

I will never forget what the bastards that wanted Jon Snow back did. Just because the illiterate servant of a demented king thought Jon would be a cute replacement for the vacancy in his idol worship does not mean that this had to happen. Not even Kit Harington's mother thinks he can act.

What's wonderful about politics is that when someone truly is defeated, they can't suddenly change it up and be the winner. After more people vote for a meglomaniacal businessman than a woman lawyer, there will be no take-backsies. It will just be the end of the line. Jon Snow was at the end of the line, and this joy was taken from me. The ensuing annoyances of, "My lord Snow! You're alive!" and "Jon! I thought you were finally off this series!" forthcoming in the next episodes will be no salve to my wounds, k?

At least that scene made sense. It was a fair amount of time ago that the frozen former wildings were marching on Westeros. I realize they are just going to be murdered by Dragon 1 and Dragon 2 (official GRRM lore), but what did they do, hit up a Gregory's Coffee just north of the wall and wait for their cue? I was sort of hoping that the little kid who stabbed Jon Snow in the midsection would have been eaten by dogs, but no such luck. David Benioff will tell us when we are allowed to be heartened by the death of a child.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

"Off the Water" - Plants and Animals (mp3)