In Which This Was Made Largely For China And To Hurt Megan Fox's Feelings

Cavities

by DICK CHENEY

Transformers: Age of Extinction
dir. Michael Bay
165 minutes

I don't throw the word genius around a lot, unless someone is washing my feet or my car. We have long needed an American director who was absolutely fearless, and now we have found him. Michael Bay is willing to destroy his actors to get what he wants onscreen. What exactly is Michael Bay's heart's desire? He wanted to make a movie about a love triangle between a father, his daughter and her Australian boyfriend.

In this he succeeded with Transformers: Age of Extinction. Mark Wahlberg's daughter informs us that she has been "taking care" of Marky Mark since his wife passed. (A robot winks meaningfully after that.) It is a poor choice of words at best, a mild and innocuous felony at worst. Unfortunately, Tessa Yeager (Nicola Peltz) had to die:

This is actually how Natalie Wood died IMO

The lifespan of women in Transformers is limited in the extreme. They get tired and fatigued from running and screaming for help, and heart disease claims them in the end. Megan Fox has actually been dead for over a decade. In the last Transformers movie, which I believe was subtitled Transformers: My Pea Is Your Pod, Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf perished in the warmth of Optimus Prime's nasal cavity, requiring this reboot.

Not a single person from any of those previous Transformers movies is even peripherally involved in Age of Extinction, but all of the characters still talk the exact same.

Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) owns a fledgling robotics company that has not produced a single working robot. When he meets Optimus Prime (Christian Bale), he immediately begins planning to steal the alien technology and use it for his own nefarious means. His household is "under control", because after his wife died, he prohibited both himself and his daughter from ever dating, which I believe is both illegal and extremely creepy unless you're Indian.

She couldn't even get a flirtatious moment with Mark Wahlberg? Racist.

Because Transformers is way more successful outside of America, Bay has included a variety of token ethnicities. After the blowback from his ghetto Transformers incident from the NAACP (they later honored him with a lifetime achievement award) Mr. Bay has steered clear of including any black characters in the entire movie. There is not even an African-American dinosaur robot. 

Instead, Bay really appreciates Asian audiences. That's why he has included a female executive (Li Bingbing) in Age of Extinction, who Stanley Tucci regards as "extremely impressive." Naturally, even though she is his subordinate, he hits on her throughout the film and eventually she seems open to his disgusting advances. (How do you think Michael Bay obtained children?)

There is also a Samurai transformer who appears to be attired like the cover of a Midwestern edition of The Art of War. His accent is so unbelievably sinister and racist that it makes Aunt Jemima look progressive, (Unfortunately, I learned this is Ken Watanabe's actual accent. Sorry Ken.)

I can't feel sympathy for the pricks who tow cars. I really can't this time you guys.

Inside of every Transformer is the life force known as the spark; "we cah that a soul" Wahlberg bleats. In a massive alien ship he finds special transformer killing guns and turns into Rambo.  Cade sends his daughter away but she comes back to fight on the side of the good robots. Kelsey Grammar tries to have the daughter gunned down for no real reason by the evil island spirit on Lost and Mark Wahlberg is like, "Ya tried to kull my dawghter." I miss Dr. Frasier Crane.

The dinosaur part of the story goes something like this: the transformers killed the dinosaurs. The only reason they offered is because they have a less than respectful view of the artistic aspects of The Land Before Time. Mark Wahlberg acts like he would rather be anywhere, showcasing an intense contempt for the man he is portraying. Incidentally "Cade" is a very difficult word for a robot to say, and Optimus Prime goes out of his way not to utter Cade's name so as not to confuse his ethnic Autobots.

Mr. Bay, remember that time you gave that extra brain damage as you screaming, "Autobots Assemble" at her while dressed like Nick Fury?

Even though Cade's daughter Tessa is only 17, she has developed an intense emotional connection with a race car driver. God knows what they have in common or where they met, but it's up to this fellow to prove his worthiness to the girl's father. This disturbing wooing of permission is not only deeply retrograde and sexist, it occurs during a car chase.

The action culminates in nothing very exciting. The last film ended with a set piece that destroyed the city of Chicago, which was at least therapeutic. Age of Extinction concludes suddenly after one of the robots is destroyed; I believe the robot's name was Gastroenteritistron. He wanted to bring Optimus back to his "creator," which is probably Morgan Freeman in a suit if the last ten years of cinema is any indication.

There was no one with brown eyes in this entire movie, it was like a 21st century 'Triumph of the Will'

In the end, Optimus decides he is really very sick of humanity, and would do anything he could to get away from them. He watched his Autobot friends hacked and divested of their Happy Meals and metal belongings, and in doing so he witnessed the destruction of his entire way of life. Age of Extinction had the largest ever opening in China. Every invading culture is quietly subsumed and irrevocably altered by the victims it claims.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location who misses Hot Pie.

"If The Morning Comes" - Transfer (mp3)

"We Don't Have To Be Nice Anymore" - Transfer (mp3)

In Which We Imagine All The People Left Behind

I'm Going Back In The Hatch

by DICK CHENEY

The Leftovers
creators Damon Lindelof & Tom Perrotta

Imagine a world in which Justin Theroux woke up and the older woman he was romancing was simply no longer there.

Jennifer Aniston went to heaven on a jet plane. In heaven she no longer has to play a stripper or prostitute in every movie, she just portrays a mature woman in her fifties who knows what she wants from life. She has been absorbed, along with 2 percent of the world's population, into an afterlife while the rest of the proleteriats go on with their earthy travails.

We never see it, but we can assume Heaven is fantastic in HBO's The Leftovers. You would think being with only virtuous people would get annoying over time, but that is not the case, because God let some assholes into heaven as well, The Leftovers informs us at length. They serve hors d'oeuvres.

Most assumed that the guys responsible for Lost would never get jobs in the industry again, but when that pitch meeting comes around, Damon Lindelof tells a compelling anecdote about how their original idea for what was in the hatch was Demi Lovato nude and tied up, but Jamie Tarses nixed it.

Given that Carlton Cuse created the masterful Bates Motel, I have forgiven the fact that he looks and sounds like a cowardly lion and I now direct all my venom towards Damon Lindelof. The Leftovers proves he was by far the weakest link in Lost besides Desmond's lackluster gf.

David Carradine is sitting up alertly in his grave

It is hard to imagine who The Leftovers could possibly appeal to. It makes religious people look like zany cretins who smoke cigarettes constantly, it makes kids look like sex and drug crazed infidels, it makes minorities look like ineffectual pawns and victims in a whitewashed future and it has over three dream sequences just in the first episode. No one could possibly enjoy this.

At one point Theroux's daughter (Margaret Qualley) is choking some guy while he jerks off at a party. Afterwards she discovers a dead dog in the trunk of her dad's car, which she buries with her friends. At the conclusion of this disturbing set of moments, Lynne openly wondered to me, "At least stag films have the added aspect of turning you on or making you afraid."

Can you blame her for wanting a hard think after she chokes some bro while he comes for over an hour?

In the book version of The Leftovers, Theroux is very depressed that his wife (Amy Brenneman) has gone off to join the local silent cult Guilty Remnant, even though he was cheating on her with another white woman. Are you guys as tired of ww as I am? Not everyone has a white wife, I mean I do, but do I need to see my own life on television all the time? The answer is yes, but not every single time.

I identified just as well with Stringer Bell until I found out he was really British and pretending to be kewl.

Guys, our sheriff is 5'3" and he left his girlfriend of fifteen years for Jennifer Aniston. Crime may be a problem.

The Leftovers only has one clever trick up its sleeve. In order to make the rest of the cast look like a bunch of Julliard-trained professionals, Lindelof has chosen to employ the casual acting ministrations of Liv Tyler.

Tyler portrays a woman in an unhappy engagement. She is in the car with her fiance when he starts singing. At first she laughs good naturedly, but then he goes on singing and she decides to join the religious order of fanatics who devote themselves to reminding everyone else that they were not chosen by God to serve Jennifer Aniston pain au chocolat. In the cult she meets Theroux's wife, and her real romance begins. She sounds like Arwen throughout and never changes her facial expression, even when she's taking a huge shit.

God is the Marlboro Man confirmed

In order to assuage his feelings of loneliness and abandonment - even though no one in his family was actually even absorbed by the rapture - Theroux starts a relationship with his high school aged daughter's best friend. Fucking American Beauty. The devastating toll of boredom and cliche spawned by Sam Mendes' lack of directing talent continues to destroy lives even decades after its release.

Theroux actually overdelivers in this thankless role, but the fact that he is physically more suited to play a munchkin in the Michael Bay-directed resurrection of The Wizard of Oz hampers his credibility. Every single person in the show is taller than him, requiring more workarounds and odd angles than Tom Cruise looking up at Emily Blunt's chin. I really hope seeing this pilot is why Aniston postponed the wedding.

American Beauty was utter trash, and leaving Kate Winslet was even stupider

We all know that at the end of The Leftovers it is going to turn out that this was heaven all along, or some light at the back of the cave will be the answer to everything. Somewhere in there, Matthew Fox will be arrested for drunk driving. He could play the Devil, or alternately, he could be God. Come to think of it, this show could really use Matthew Fox: his best case scenario is portraying Jennifer Aniston's boyfriend in heaven. She deserves a good-looking guy.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He will not be recapping further episodes of The Leftovers, or even watching it all, until Liv Tyler retires from the acting profession.

"Big Girls Cry" - Sia (mp3)

"Eye of the Needle" - Sia (mp3)

In Which Cersei Plans To Eliminate This Other Woman

Do You Want To Meet My Dad? He's Disgusting

by DICK CHENEY

The Other Woman
dir. Nick Cassavetes
109 minutes

It is a popular and sexist myth that female friendships are more deepening and anechoic than any other kind of relationship, even, laughably, exceeding the rapport between a boy and his dog.

Kate (Leslie Mann) tries to make this kind of relationship happen with a high powered lawyer named Carly who was fucking her husband (Cameron Diaz), but it just comes across like a relationship between a cocker spaniel and a really old looking and dilapidated poodle. Leslie Mann (Kate) cries at least fifteen times in The Other Woman; the overall message conveyed is that she remains upset about something. Perhaps women enjoy watching other women cry: crying does, after all, constitute a part of life, but maybe not the laugh-crying that Mann does here. Her weird sobs and verbal ablutions are supposed to be a parody of hysteria, but come across like she's having a bad reaction to the gobs of makeup they heaped on her to make her outshine Cameron in every scene. (It worked.)

the director was like, "do a bad melissa mccarthy impression!" and she complied. oh, did she comply

Watching Kate and Carly ogling Kate Upton's mediocre body is a whole new kind of voyeurism, like the reverse of viewing The Big Bang Theory and thinking Kaley Cuoco is appealing. (She could never get a decent physicist interested in her, let alone one who was so amazing on Roseanne.)

How does Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) figure into these events? My working theory is that he was sent into our world in order to subtly convince Ms. Upton to never act in movies again, because her performance makes Grace Kelly's acting look Stanislavski-level. She is even worse than Jon Snow, and she is not as good-looking as he is, even if they were both women.

um, kate, we're rolling.

Jaime Lannister prepares to cheat on his wife by keeping an apartment in the city, only the most suspicious way to commit infidelity in the entire world. He presumably keeps photos of himself and Cersei there, and when he shows a new woman around the place, he winks meaningfully when he tells her the woman in the photos is his sister.

Once the two abandoned blondes recruit a third, they have an extremely emotional bonding weekend. Because Jaime wants to be with more than one of them, they poison him with female hormones and dip his toothbrush in the toilet. Some of the things they do would get them sentenced to life in prison in Canada, others merely reek of poor taste and shit jokes.

jason biggs' wife would have been fine with this. she was so cool when he had unprotected sex with laura prepon last year.

In the end Kate Upton and Cameron Diaz's father who is the same age as her (Don Johnson) get together. Yes, they become a couple, even though she thinks Miami Vice is the name of a urinary tract infection you get on spring break. My emotions at this pairing are best summarized by a gif of her smiling at him lovingly as they are both massaged by Asians. (Don Johnson's previous girlfriend was "Indian, beautiful.") The Other Woman makes The Hangover look confidently multicultural.

There is actually one character of color in The Other Woman, she is Cameron Diaz's secretary (Nicki Minaj), who explains that she only answers Carly's phone to have something to fill her time while her husband makes the actual money, and that "the best part about being pretty is that you don't have to work." If this is a joke, who is it on? Ugly people?

all racial stereotypes must die.... also, the only black people in Westeros are pirates and eunuchs AND YOU KNOW THAT NICKI

It turns out that not only does Jaime Lannister have time to cheat on his wife with a variety of women, he is also a criminal who steals money and plans to frame his wife for the crime. You would think this would make the harem even more angry at him, but they actually soften a bit — he's clearly a troubled person.

men bring women together. there is no other realistic way.

Kate's brother tells her that he always knew Jaime Lannister was a bad choice, most likely because he is very lonely and jealous of her happiness. Kate's feng shui business isn't exactly taking off so she enters her husband's workplace and that's when the worst thing that can happen to a woman occurs: Cameron Diaz marries her brother, who Kate has Hotel New Hampshire-type feelings for.

Kate is upset and alone, but it's a good thing she found out about the cheating, because now her ex-husband is bankrupt and she will most likely be paying him alimony, taking care of his dog, and writing a check for the property taxes on a massive Greenwich house she cannot afford. Meanwhile, he is free to return to Cersei or even find someone more understanding with which to share his waning days as a one-armed man.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He misses everyone a lot more than he thought he would: Hot Pie, the Hound, even Brienne, Gilly, that old Maester, Podrick, Lord Prestimon, Rand, Jesus and Melisandre.

he comes to all his left-handed sword practice with cute treats for his partner

"Blonde" - Alizee (mp3)

"K.O." - Alizee (mp3)

the identity of Varys' spies is revealed?