In Which The Bonors of Benjamin Linus and Eliot Spitzer Are The Main Protagonists Of This Drama

A Controlling Man, A Strong Woman

by Dick Cheney

Lost

Week 6

Now that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is my new lover, I am able to sympathize completely with all fated lovers, to the point of weeping over Carla Bruni's photoset in next month's GQ.

A powerful woman usually wants a man who seems powerful, and the only thing better suited to the role of seeming knowledgeable and strong than a doctor on a deserted island is the office of Vice President of the United States.

I throw Lost a lot of rope, but here a few things I could do without:

Jack. I have had enough. If I want to read about white people's problems, I'll read Conrad Black's new biography of Richard Nixon. I don't care about you, your father, your half-nephew Aaron, his annoying mother, or your downright retarded plan to get off/return to the island. The best thing they could do for the show is to kill him off on the return trip.

Juliet. Her plastic surgery face and Suzanne Somers 1999 body aside, why exactly do I care about this woman? Her behavior has never made any sense, and she's willing to inform Jack of nothing, and she doesn't want to put out for B. Linus, the king of all media?

Great taste in men.

The presumption that Ben somehow knew Godwin was going to die makes as much sense as the reference to the list, and Juliet's mentorship of the two kiddies from the tail section. "Ben's right where he wants to be" is dumb too- how exactly is it useful to be imprisoned in a basement?

Eliot Spitzer. In the time it took me to write this article, God pogromed Eliot. Thx God sooooo much!

Oh Eliot, especially the 2007 version:

"Updating and enhancing our human-trafficking laws to adequately punish the perpetrators of these unspeakable crimes and sufficiently support victims is critically important,” said Gov. Eliot Spitzer. “New York is finally joining the ranks of other states in ensuring that those who exploit innocent people and children and cause extreme suffering are subject to strict punishment under state law.

Awesome.

Spitz be crazy:

85. On February 14, 2008, at approximately 12:02 a.m., TEMEKA RACHELLE LEWIS, a/k/a "Rachelle," the defendant, received a call from "Kristen." During the call, "Kristen" told LEWIS , that "he," a reference to Spitzer, had left. LEWIS asked "Kristen" what time he got there, and "Kristen" said "15 after . . . maybe 10." LEWIS asked "Kristen" how she thought the appointment went, and "Kristen" said that she thought it went very well. LEWIS asked "Kristen" how much she collected, and 'Kristen" said $4,300. "Kristen" said that she liked him, and that she did not think he was difficult. "Kristen" stated: 'I don't think he's difficult. I mean it's just kind of like . . . whatever. . . I'm here for a purpose. I know what my purpose is. I am not a . . . moron, you know what I mean. So maybe that's why girls maybe think they're difficult . . . . " "Kristen" continued: "That's what it is, because you're here for a [purpose]. Let's not get it twisted - I know what I do, you know." LEWIS responded: "You look at it very uniquely, because . . . no one .ever says it that way." LEWIS continued that from what she had been told "he" (believed to be a reference to Spitzer) "would ask you to do things that, like, you might not think were safe - you know - I mean that . . . very basic things. . . . "Kristen" responded: "I have a way of dealing with that . . . I'd be like listen dude, you really want the sex? . . . You know what I mean."

Locke. Everything about Locke in this episode was downright stupid, from a safe where keeps a video of a multinational corporate executive kicking some dude's ass, to his silly 'negotiations' with Ben. Again, Ben murdering Locke and feasting on his entrails would be the best possible outcome for this storyline. He could snack on Hurley after that.

I get that Carlton Cuse is obsessed with me, showing this episode the week that I meet the World Champion Boston Red Sox, but geez. Lost is starting to feel like my own personal Gawker Stalker.

The coming Michael episode can only give us cause for concern as well. I realize they have said all along that this episode is going to reveal a lot of things, but I'm not quite sure what is even left to reveal. They need to start murdering characters now, and possibly resurrecting some as well. I would be down to see Michelle Rodriguez's svelte body one more time.

Meanwhile, Michael still capped Libby and Anna Lucia. Are we supposed to forget about that? Michael sucked my balls when he was on the show, and he sucks them now.

Other people who should die, preferably by being gassed by Ben, and the breakup lines I would use on them immediately prior to their choky whimpering kylls:

Kate (it's not you, it's how fugly your ass looks in these pictures)

Sawyer (I'm just not attracted to you anymore)

Hope Sandoval (who are you?)

C.S. Lewis (I was hoping you'd have a porn past, but no such luck)

Jin (you still can't speak english?)

Sun (pregnancy will do to you what I cannot)

Ben's devotion to Juliet is out of character, but it's a fun out of character, like that episode of Damon Wayans' My Wife and Kids where he started acting like himself for once. On the other hand, it's easy to be attracted to a powerful woman. The thrall you feel when you are in their iron grip. Whenever there's an element of danger there, whenever a man can feel threatened or on guard, whenever sex itself is called into question: that is where you will find myself, Benjamin Linus, and Sir Eliot Spitzer.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He lives in Washington, D.C.

ben, why are you going down on juliet's microscope meow?

"Tale of the Horny Frog" - The Flaming Lips (mp3)

RELIVE DICK'S MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR THROUGH LOST'S FOURTH SEASON

Episode 1: I'm Sorry I Shouldn't Have Gone With Locke

Episode 2: I Have A Van In Your Throat

Episode 3: Sayid What Are You Doing Buddy

Episode 4: Kate's Herstory

Episode 5: Time Keeps Slipping

FOR MY NORTHERN CALIFORNIA SOUL

"A New Decade" - The Verve (mp3)

"This Is Music" - The Verve (mp3)

"On Your Own" - The Verve (mp3)

"So It Goes" - The Verve (mp3)

"A Northern Soul" - The Verve (mp3)

"Brainstorm Interlude" - The Verve (mp3)

"Drive You Home" - The Verve (mp3)

"History" - The Verve (mp3)

"No Knock On My Door" - The Verve (mp3)

"Life's An Ocean" - The Verve (mp3)

"Stormy Clouds" - The Verve (mp3)

"Reprise" - The Verve (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Tess brings straight up joy to your life:

Sometimes I Find Myself In The Ninth Circle of Hell

Workin For The Church While Tyra Banks Diets (And Part Two)

Barack N’ Roll