In Which We Strongly Feel That Sheryl Crow Is Capable of Murder

Links Are The Amen After Whatever It Is You Were Saying

by Alex Carnevale

As much as the new Madonna, Hard Candy, is total dreck, and as much as she should simply act her age instead of trying to "reinvent" herself for the last album on her record deal. As much as Madonna was a central figure in the aftermath of feminism. As much as I respect her as an artist. As much as her marriage to the Snatch dude is a total sham and they're living in separate houses. As much as her lame critiques of New York sound like the spoiled rantings of a billionaire. As much as she probably simply wants to be released into the sweet embrace of death, we need Madonna.

More of the new Madonna:

"I Have the Key" - Madonna (mp3)

"The Beat Goes On" - Madonna (mp3)

sometimes we all wish we were pharrell

There was a hope that Madonna would go on forever, until she stopped and decided she wanted to be a director. There was a hope that Michael Jackson would go on forever until it became clear he did not have the stamina to get bonors anymore. There was a hope that Sheryl Crow would murder Lance Armstrong and we would be able to watch the coverage of the trial on MSNBC for a number of months. There was a hope that Brittany Murphy would come to her senses and love the author of this highly influential post about Madonna and worship his links like jewels, and forget her frog husband.

Madonna was a tiny piece of chocolate in a sea of vanilla once, but now she is no longer banging Michael Jordan during his hiatus from baseball. She has rented a car to drive across America, and the car runs on the fuel of all her discarded magazine covers. (Is there a magazine Madonna isn't doing?)

For most of us, Madonna represented a second vagina we could vacation in if our original vagina became overexposed. For most of us, Miley Cyrus is the second coming of Madonna and Madonna is actually Guy Ritchie in drag because he killed her and wears her skin. For the vast majority of us, Madonna is an icon of fashion and style who made owning Prince's back catalog that much less important. For most of us, Madonna was a beacon of light sailing on a star made of all the sweatshop workers in plastic factories making her CD cases.

We see the possibility of the real Madonna, but then we see the violence in the Sudan, the injustices against Tibet, we see her vogueing a lot and bitching out her maids for not cooking her eggs exactly the right way, we see the sad fate of the Palestinians, the historic injustices to the Navajo, Madonna adopting most of the children of Malawi, the people of Greenland complaining about how it's too cold, Madonna admiring her bowel movements. To be famous, to be the most famous, is a terrifying outcome. Madonna is afraid.

LINKS MAKE MORE SENSE THAN THAT DID

sweet Michael Yan photo essay

battle of the oranges

Really dumb

married to the sea

Prison rape isn't funny, or not as funny as you think

the elusive windows desktop of your dreams

The American teenager: nothing will ever be as important

Death of Cambodian holocaust survivor

insane hidden speed trap

wrestlemania kinda happened

sideone's first roller girl match

one of my fav spiritualized tracks, we are so excited for the new album

lefties are better than righties

Juliet gets branded with the Cadbury symbol on Lost

gotta love the repost

from here ... clone images are great

This should end his run for the presidency:

Jay Leno apologized Tuesday for on-air remarks he made during a chat with Ryan Phillippe that were then criticized by gay activists and others.

"In talking about Ryan's first role, I realize that what I said came out wrong," the host of NBC's Tonight Show said in a statement to PEOPLE. "I certainly didn't mean any malice. I agree it was a dumb thing to say, and I apologize."

Last week, while talking with Phillippe (whose appearance was keyed to his new movie Stop-Loss), Leno, 57, said to the actor, "Can you give me, like – say that camera is your gay lover ..." (Phillippe's first role was as a gay character on a soap opera).

Leno then went on to say, "Can you give me your 'gayest look?' "

"Wow," replied Phillippe, 33. "That is so something I don't want to do."

Will Smith on chinese oil paintings

You still like the government?

Ebert is back

Veterans for Peace: come on you guys that's dumb

audrina partridge's tattoo is hot, i dunno

Beach House is the greatest

david archuleta's dad can suck my fat one

Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have a great relationship:

One person who loves her curvy body, regardless of what she puts into it: boyfriend Reggie Bush, who hung out with some of the wrestlers while Kardashian rehearsed. "He doesn't care what I eat," says Kardashian. "He loves me just the way I am."

I had to explain why Kim Kardashian was famous to my mom the other day. I was like, "Well, Ray J flipped her over..." Just kidding, I couldn't come up with a reason.

mile high skyscraper

Boise is vulnerable to terrawr

Janet Jackson's new weight scares the bejeezus out of me. like with cameron diaz

hip hop supergroups are routinely the best part of my day

high tech music from Poland

lefties who have broken away

harmony's blog

The achilles heel of the Wii. I can't believe there was an article in Slate about this

ten hottest vegeterians

Shame on Time magazine

Spielberg's new Tintin

This track is more delightful than a golden retriever.

“Set Fire to the Third Bar” - Snow Patrol ft. Martha Wainwright (mp3)

Danish's 20 most listened to artists. This screams 14 year old who loves glow sticks and making out with tongue. [ducks]

1. Kanye West


2. Justice


3. Simian Mobile Disco


4. Hot Chip


5. Jay-Z


6. Nas


7. Spoon


8. The Velvet Underground


9. Pavement


10. Daft Punk


11. Justus Köhncke


12. Black Lips


13. Bob Dylan


14. Animal Collective


15. Ghostface


16. Klaxons


17. !!!


18. Philip Glass


19. Caribou


20. Metronomy

Stop these abortions.

Assassination just plain works

Google April Fools joke starts a wikiwar

Hitchens doesn't like Hillary, can you tell?

CRAWL INSIDE OF THESE INTERNETS

Face Hunter

Asemic

Triple Canopy is a new online magazine you will want to see for yourself

Jennifer Daniel is the best illustrator in the world

IMAO

FOU magazine so hot right now for poetry

Pretty Goes With Pretty

oh to be gorgeous AND funny

J. Bauchner turned me onto this hot Dylan track, thanks JB.

"Sign on the Window" - Bob Dylan (mp3)

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording.

you take your dick out and jerk it around, next question

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

The black athlete gets dumped on.

Benry Gale ascends.

Ghosts before I met you.

mom...no. please. also, is cindy mccain being played by amy poehler?

In Which Anjelica Huston Is The Baddest Wetch

The Girl Who Would Be Queen

by Molly Lambert

I'm fairly fluent at speaking and interpreting Carnevale but I have to say I don't really understand Alex's last two posts. Being neither a libertarian nor a Lost watcher, I couldn't really make out his points about Jenna Fischer or Iraq. Different strokes and all. That's what makes This Recording a multiverse of taste.

I guess Alex would rather pretend to listen to whatever pearls of stupidity fall out of Evangeline Lilly's face hole, even though she seems like one of those too precious French girls who would be all "what eez theez ham-borg-er?" Good job AC, I think you covered five out of seven of Jezebel Moe's "Seven Dudely Sins."

Anyway, I thought I'd counter with this Anjelica Huston interview about her childhood memories of Ireland. Anjelica is the fiercest, baddest, Jack Nicholson-beatingest, betch ever. And like our own Tess Lynch, she is Irish as fuck.

For Saint Patrick’s Day, Joan Juliet Buck interviews her childhood friend Anjelica Huston about her Irish roots, branches and leaves.

JJB: Let’s talk about Ireland.

AH: Remember that Irish is a slow language; all vocal exchange is introduced by at least 7 minute’s opening dialogue about the weather. No conversation is complete without this introduction. It’s like looking at a horse’s teeth. From this initial exchange one can deduce age, demeanor and provenance.

JJB: So how is the weather by the beach in Venice California?

AH: It’s as cold as a witch’s tit, the wind is whipping up the palm trees, the seagulls are slapping against my windows, there are whitecaps way out to sea. Lots of teenagers on roof tops, on cell-phones, with their hair flying.

JJB: Can we start now? Have we done the weather?

AH: Sure.

taken by Bob Richardson (father of Terry), Anjelica's then BF

JJB: Do you cook Irish food?

AH: Yes I make Soda Bread! I make Irish Stew!

JJB: What Irish qualities do you wish you had?

AH: Extraordinary resilience when it comes to suffering. Musicianship. Patience.

JJB: What Irish qualities are you glad to have?

AH: I’m up for a good time. I make friends easily. I like to dance. I feel good around the color green.

JJB: So just how Irish are you? You grew up there, starred as Gretta in your father’s The Dead from the James Joyce story, directed the Irish movie Agnes Browne What did Ireland give you?

AH: Without my Irish childhood I would —— not know the names of the plants and flowers in my mother’s garden, would not know how to ride a horse, walk in the rain, sing plaintive songs about the country I miss and love the most. I would not know you. I would not understand the vagaries and the delights of nature, the clouds racing overhead, the smell of turf and sheep’s wool, the cold, the black bogs, growing up with dogs, The Sisters Of Mercy, fairies, and the best Christmases in the world.

JJB: I remember your nanny, who looked just like Katharine Hepburn.

AH: That was Nurse— a firm calm presence, dedicated to my Mother, whom she called ‘Madam’. There was Molly, who was exceptionally fun when she dropped her false teeth, and held a flashlight under her chin, and chased us up and down a dark hall near the back stairs . There was Josie, who always brought Dad his breakfast. He said she was like watching the sun come up in the morning. There was Paddy Lynch, our Groom, who taught me how to ride like an Irishwoman. I still ride. I have nine horses at my ranch up north.

JJB: You were terrifyingly good on horseback. The Pony Club , and you hunted with The Galway Blazers …

AH: Who had the reputation of being hell for leather. Big stonewall country…I was blooded on my first outing—they smeared fox guts on my face. I hunted side-saddle from the age of 12 to please my Father.

Anjelica and her father John Huston

JJB: It seemed so out of time, so far from everywhere

AH: The West of Ireland! The Big house, as we called it , was at one end of a fork in the avenue, across a waterfall, surrounded by meadows and a ha-ha, a sort of hidden ditch, which allowed an uncluttered view of grazing horses. It was Georgian, built of limestone, it was a good size, three storied, not huge.

JJB: And you and your mother and Tony lived in The Little House.

AH: The Little House was at the other end of the fork, across the river. It was sweet, cozy, like a limestone cottage. The walled garden behind The Little House was hundreds of years old, and at one time the explorer Burke had brought back many plant specimens from his travels abroad, and planted them in this garden. There were wonderful, mysterious trees there, some very rare. The woman who owned the property, Mrs. Burke-Cole, was concerned that Dad would tear down a Norman Castle –-the tower that stood behind the stable yard — and so it remained in her possession surrounded by a tall fence. Remember? We used to sneak in and play there, and on one occasion, we found a primitive cannon ball, wooden, with lead sheeting nailed to its surface. And of course it was a great place for fairies.

JJB: You didn’t really like performing then.

AH: My first acting experience was the part of the Third witch in the Shakespeare play. You were the director, and you, as First witch, had the most lines. It was decided that for safety’s sake, I, being 6 at the time , should have the least. The small, glamorous 7-year-old daughter of one of my father’s visiting ex-girlfriends, Marina Habe, filled out as the Second witch. She and you had wisely chosen nightshirts of my father’s and not the Aran fisherman’s blanket I had greedily claimed as my costume. Tony was in charge of special effects, such as blinking the light switches on and off to simulate lightning, and an ample ewer of tomato juice to double as ‘Baboon’s Blood’. Our audience—remember— was comprised of my parents and yours: The Hustons, Ricki and John, The Bucks, Joyce and Jules, and glowing in the front row seats of honor, the glorious, golden pre-‘Lawrence Of Arabia’ Peter O’Toole and his beautiful Welsh wife, Sian Phillips. There were some additional well-wishers, such as Eric Sevareid and his wife Belen, and a smattering of kitchen help.

JJB: Anjelica -

AH: Needless to say, tension ran high. You delivered your lines with calm authority, as did Marina, but when it came time for Third witch to deliver, a weedy voice quavered to a halt on the line ‘Toad under Cold Stone….’ A clamorous silence ensued, and finally I muttered, “This is silly,” and ran from the scene in blind hysteria. This is still one of the reasons I find stage acting so hard. The constant possibility of that. I spent the rest of the night hiding behind the curtains in the study as Tony set up a hunting party to find and then flay me, and then eventually found my way to my mother’s lap where I sobbed piteously till I was put to bed.

JJB: Um… Anjelica, you were the First witch. I was the Third witch, with all my great lines at the end. That’s why I was so angry. We couldn’t do the scene until you’d been found.

AH: I’m sorry.

JJB: I’ve gotten over it. But by the next year, you’d pulled it together and were very good reciting Edward Gorey’s poem “The suicide as she is falling, illuminated by the moon”…

AH: I’d dress up in my mother’s old tutus with some tulle on my head and wait for a bridegroom to pass by. I longed for Barbie dolls, but Mum thought they were vulgar. I longed to be a princess and to have a prince of my own, with whom I would live happily ever after. We listened to Edith Piaf, Ella Fitzgerald, Frank Sinatra. Tony and I favored Burl Ives, Harry Belafonte was maybe the most played down at the Little House…’Angelico’ being a favorite of mine. We also had spoken-word albums: Mike Nichols and Elaine May, Marlon Brando in Julius Caesar, Yeats reading his own poetry. And Leadbelly, Billie Holiday , Count Basie , and then the Irish music, John Mc Cormack. Jim Reeves was hugely popular. Then you introduced Chubby Checker’s ‘Let’s Twist Again’, and we were never the same.

JJB: What Irish songs stir you?

AH: ‘Galway Bay’ really gets me because I was raised in County Galway. When I was doing Lonesome Dove, Bobby Duvall had a Mariachi Band record that song to use whenever he needed to make me cry. It would be the end of a long working day, and we’d have done seven scenes, and I’d think I didn’t have a grain of emotion left in me. Bobby would play ‘Galway Bay’ on his tape recorder, and I’d be gone on a wave of tears.

JJB: What was Ireland to your parents, to John and Ricki ?

AH: For Dad, Ireland was the place he came to lick his wounds. He was happier there than anywhere else in life. For Mum? She said it was beautiful, romantic, wild, exasperating, lonely…

JJB: Was it lonely for you?

AH: Loneliness is not necessarily considered a bad thing in Ireland. Every story, every song is nostalgic, even the place itself is soft and wet…There are signs of the past everywhere, they are part of everyday life. I was very lonely when Dad would leave to go to America to work. It seemed so terribly far away. I remember holding on to his legs with Tony when he would walk out the front door to the car. I was lonely when Mum would go away on trips without us . I remember being very lonely when you would leave to go back to London in the early days. I remember hiding your passport and you getting mad at me.

Anjelica with longtime former boyfriend Jack Nicholson

JJB: Don’t you want to go back?

AH: I would like to time travel. But to go back there now? Everything has changed. The adults are no longer … my father and mother are gone. The last time I went back to St Clerans was with Bob (Robert Graham, Anjelica’s husband), before we became engaged. In fact , he proposed to me at Dromoland Castle on that visit. It was unutterably painful to go back. There is not a nook or cranny of that place that I had not committed to memory, yet everything was altered. The people who owned The Little House had bought it with winnings from a horse they owned that won at the Galway Races.

AH: I had hoped that they would be at Mass when we dropped in unannounced on the property. At the front gates of The Little House, we were spotted by a young man of about 17. He stared at me from a distance, and then approached me, looked into my eyes, and said: ‘I’ve always dreamed of the day Anjelica Huston would come back to St. Clerans’. That just about put me away. I did not have the courage to go up to the Big House. We walked in the garden..…It was almost unbearably sad. Although the idea of living at St.Clerans again is alluring, I fear it’s true that—- at least in this instance— I can never go home again. Soon after, Merv Griffin bought it, gave it a facelift, and transformed it into a boutique hotel with a sushi restaurant.

Thanks to Anjelic, the Anjelica Huston fansite.

Zooey Deschanel vs. Scarlett Johansson in the Battle Of Indie Actresses With Silly First Names And Vanity Americana Albums

Vidz of BKLYN's Sweethearts Of The Bloggeo MGMT

Bob and David are back together on HBO?

HITSVILLE!

Sony pressured Will Smith to renounce Xenu for Hancock

Oh btw I'm think I'm voting for Barry. Not because of the Philly speech, although I watched it and agree that making a short to the point speech is always the best choice (i.e. Gettysburg Address). It was the New Yorker profile of Michelle Obama that I finally read. Although I am for serious, this is also a test to see if Tess has bothered to read this far, because if she has she's going to be texting me right now like "WTF."

Yes, fickle woman that I am I have decided to sell out Hilldog. Once she started winning I remembered that I do kind of disrespect her for turning a blind eye to Bill's gross womanizing. Barack on the other hand is whipped. Like, crazy so. Also he's the most pro-abortion candidate ever! Assuming the dems can turn it out to beat Machine Gun McCain, there will be a fierce bitch running the White House either way. And that has to be good for womyn.

Silence - Portishead: mp3

Nylon Smile - Portishead: mp3

Machine Gun - Portishead: mp3

Molly Lambert is the senior editor of This Recording.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING:

Annie Hall is still the best romantic comedy ever made

Don't hate The Game, hate the players

Lard and the Real Girl

In Which We Pick You Up When You're Down and Kick You When You're Up

We Only Want What We Can't Have

by Alex Carnevale

The Office

NBC, returns in April

The list of actresses who are so thoroughly absorbed in the character they play that they will never be successful in another role grows longer by the day. Any moment now Ryan Seacrest will become a douchebag. Another example would be Hillary Clinton. Yet another example would be the magnificent creature that is Julia Louis-Dreyfus, although she has bucked that trend somewhat by starring in the masterful epic The Old Adventures of New Christine.

trying too hard to prove she's bosomy

Jenna Fischer, who plays the meek secretary Pam Beasley, pretty much lost us when she started being a dick to Toby, but the whole Roy relationship didn't help either. The inferior British Office was smart to finish up with the English Jim and Pam's hot makeout.

We are living the future of this decision, when two uglifying forces hold hands during a walk for charity, or peck at each other behind the desk of poverty. The whole point to the Gervais and Merchant Office is that the two would leave this sad paper factory and pursue a new life as artists, or failing that, actors.

Fischer herself is only kind of hot. She consistently wants to be so unerringly cute that it makes us super nauseous, especially in the mornings. She is the female personification of an over-sweetness, a desire to be cute instead of actually interesting, that we despise with every fibre of our being.

the couple from hell

OK, that's as mad as I can get about Jenna Fischer without showing you this nauseating Playboy interview. Does she think she's Yoko Ono or something?

On keeping her The Office character Pam “authentic”: “To keep Pam authentic, I’ve held back from doing some things. I haven’t had my teeth whitened. I haven’t gotten porcelain veneers. And you’ll notice other things if you look carefully. I don’t get Mystic Tan treatments, for example, or any of that stuff. I need to keep it real so Pam can always look like a believable girl, not suddenly all plasticky like a movie star.”

Oh you mean like this?

jenna and a betch

On rhyming her name with vagina: “The problem was I was registered in school under the name Regina Fischer, so in the first homeroom every year they would call out ‘Regina Fischer’ and I’d be like, ‘It’s Jenna.’ But one day in fifth grade we had a substitute teacher. She was going down the roster, and she said, ‘Reg-eye-na.’ So all the kids on the school bus that day called me Reg-eye-na Vagina. But that was the only time. No permanent scarring.”

"Dead Right" - Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin (mp3)

i'm getting a little tired of amy poehler too, i think if i have to pick her or will arnett i'm going with GOB

On losing an Emmy: “Rainn Wilson and I refer to ourselves as Emmy-losing actors. We’ll be on set in a scene, and I’ll be like, ‘Seriously everyone, be quiet — Emmy-losing actor about to work.’ Maybe everyone should have something like that. Did you win the fifth-grade spelling bee? You can go with whatever your highest achievement is. That should precede your name at all times.”

she stole this dress from the juno costume closet

On sharing a personal secret that is past its expiration date: “One night when I was young I came home wearing a pair of boxers, and I claimed I was at my friend Ellen’s house. I was at a boy’s house, and they were his boxers. So there. My parents can read that and ground me.”

On making People magazine’s 100 most beautiful celebrities in 2006: “I was so tickled by that because I loved the ‘Most Beautiful’ issue when I was a little girl. I got it every year. I still have one with Julia Roberts on the cover, because I was just oh so excited. Now I think I’m going to put it in my movie contract that they have to call me ‘37th Most Beautiful Person 2006, Emmy-losing actress Jenna Fischer.’”

On being a wild youth: When I was a high school senior, I used to work at Long John Silver's. I had to wear a visor. If I wanted to stay out, I would tell my parents that I had to close. My curfew was midnight, but we closed at 1:30 in the morning. Then I'd get off at 10:30 and I'd go out with my boyfriend until 1:30.

the real Pam. she works in your office and desires your sperm

One night, I got home at 2:30, and I wasn't wearing my work uniform. I walked in the door wearing boxers and a T-shirt. It was summer. My dad came downstairs and said, "Where have you been?" I used to sleep in boxers and a T-shirt, so this wasn't so unusual. I said, "Oh, I just had to go out to my car and get my work uniform because I spilled malt vinegar on it and I have to work in the morning. I need to throw it in the washer."

"Oceanographer" - Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin (mp3)

my necklace is pointing WHERE EXACTLY?

My dad said, "So if I go outside and touch the hood of your car it's not going to be warm, huh?" I was like, "Ummm...yeah it is.... Okay. Here's what happened. After work, my friend Ellen was really upset so I drove over to her house and, Dad, you don't understand because she was really upset because her boyfriend was so mean to her." I did this whole waterworks display, about "You can't keep me from my best friend and I didn't want to call because it was already one o'clock." Then for some reason I offered the information, "And the reason I'm wearing these boxers and a T-shirt is because Ellen let me borrow them. They're hers."

isn't my expression so funny isn't it isn't it isn't it

He was like, "Whatever. You're grounded."

I got it. It made sense. I accepted it. Of course, they took the car keys. Where am I gonna go? That's what happens when you get caught. What I learned was be better about it next time so you don't.

ah yes how i remember the thrill of only being validated by men

Now you have experienced the full volume of Jenna Fischer's life experience. We have had you, Jenna, and we no longer want you in the same way. We have realized that the only enjoyable part of the affair was the wanting, and the having doesn't measure it up to its many thrills, seen and unseen. We wanted you, we want you no longer. We don't need you, we wanted to need you. Now we don't even want you, not even if you want us. It's over.

Please tune into this space tomorrow, where we continue to do the important work of destroying the respect you had for everyone you used to admire.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Our fanbase is young, naked, and stalker-ish.

Bringing you hope in this transitional month.

Owen went to Maui to kick his habit.

In Which We Get Betrothed In A Boulangerie

Marry Me!

by Molly Lambert

Alex and I often discuss who we think could best help us carry on our genetic legacy. The obvious choice is one another, but our brains are so similar (owing to our being born on the same day) that making a child would be sort of redundant. Besides, we'd really like to get some strange DNA in the mix, and choose candidates who would add something worthwhile to our empire.

Now that we've had to temporarily shut down The Whores Of Mensa (our lucrative escort service), we've had more time to focus on these major issues. In order to work through some of our problems, our couples therapist Gabriel Byrne has had us draw up these lists of the top five people we are allowed to cheat/make a baby with within the tenets of our bohemian open poly-partnering.

1. Dylan Moran

To be sure, despite being half-Mick myself, I don't normally like Irish men. I am completely immune to the charms of Gabriel Byrne and Liam Neeson. I love Daniel Day-Lewis and Cillian Murphy, but I don't find them sexually magnetic per se. They're like beautiful art objects. There can be something wan and underfed about Irish actors. The best example being Jonathan Rhys-Meyers.

That said, I think (Irishman) Dylan Moran is the pinnacle of Hotness. That's because his show, Black Books, is hilarious. His character Bernard Black, (proprietor of the barely operating used book shop the show is named for) is like a composite of equally beloved misanthropes Alan Rickman, Richard E. Grant, and Larry David. He is "oddly, pointlessly, argumentative" much like all my favorite people (and me). In short, Dylan Moran is perfect.

"Lumen" - Akron/Family (mp3)

"Youth leaks from you. It doesn't leave a note or slam the door. You're just left there older, with dead spiders for eyes and fire-retardant hair"

Dylan describes his pre-show ritual:

On the day of a show, I rise early to do no more than (but rarely less than) four or five thousand squat thrusts, wearing a yoghurt poultice over my face in a specially adapted bath, before a few rounds of kickboxing with Fnolf, my live-in trainer. Because my family and I live on the Shetland Isles there is always a bracing breeze around our outdoor pool. Fnolf and I generally have a bit of a splash and dive down to the bottom to pick up doubloons with our teeth.

Round about mid-morning, I might get a bit wobbly thinking about the show, so once the kids are strapped into their speedboats by Nong, their nanny, my wife and I like to relax by rolling on piles of banknotes in our giant humidor. Then I see my therapist for a while for Thoughtshare.

After therapy it is best to nap. I often dream I am running from my own eye sockets into a larger head which is also mine and yet not – it can’t be, it isn’t nearly as pretty. Once I get there, I get terribly mad, screaming over and over because I have to live there with substandard room service.

For tea we might just toss up a salad of samphire and sprats. I gargle crème fraiche on the way to the show while Nong and Fnolf blow on my elbows. Once in the dressing room there’s no time to think. A quick skoosh of Playzurre, my own brand perfume. I flex my face in a face-flexing machine. Then I am on. Just like that. I can only do what I do, which is be me at my best without any thought for myself. Hey, it’s probably the same for you!

Three Glorious Series Of Black Books on the BBC.

[Moran] tries to avoid writing ideas down, though. 'Paper acts as an eraser on the mind, as soon as you look at what you've written,' he says. 'You can delude yourself that you can capture things in the notebooks and jotters you leave lying around in case you get that 2 am feeling of: "That's it! That's it!" Then you wake up and what you've jotted is meaningless bollocks: "shed, rabbit, bike." But, at the time, you laughed yourself back to sleep.'

Dylan Moran Rules: that he does.

See my post here about British Comedy TV and why you should euthanize great shows while they're young.

Some of the writers from Black Books wrote for classic BBC sitcom Father Ted.

"Being alone is not character-building. You build nothing except a little matchstick cathedral of despair"

Dylan's matchstick cathedral of despair reminds me of Patton Oswalt's failure pile in a sadness bowl.

Clips from Black Books on YouTube.

Black Books is a sister show of Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg's Spaced. Dylan played David in Shaun Of The Dead.

"Religion is the yeast of death cakes. It is the most awful agent on a vulnerable mind. It's the refuge of alienated and lonely people. It's what people had before television. It yokes people together into an imaginary world. It is just people talking to their imaginary friends, at length. I wouldn't mind, but some of the people are world leaders."

"Male genitalia are so depressing to look at: like bagpipes covered with hair."

"The French are so decadent: they start their day with chocolate bread and by lunchtime they're fucking everything that moves. Even the word 'boulangerie' is fun to say."

"I don't do drugs. If I want a rush, I just stand up when I'm not expecting it."

"Contrary to everything you have ever heard, performing comedy is the easiest job in the world bar none."

2. Devin The Dude

3. Owen Wilson

4. David Banner (aka Levell Crump)

5. Steve Malkmus

"Love and Affection" - Joan Armatrading (mp3)

Alex's List

For his top choice of surrogate baby mama Alex chose Baby Mama star and This Recording megacrush, Tina Fey. He has my total blessing, even though I know he just chose her so I'd give him a pass on Rachel Weisz. I like how Darren Aronofbergsteinplatz turned Evan Rachel Wood into a doppelganger of his wife Weisz for his new film The Wrestler. Can't be worse than The Fountain, right?

1. Tina Fey (he said "post-plastic surgery" but I feel like photoshop is more or less the same thing.)

Fey grew up in a working-class neighborhood in Upper Darby, Pa., the daughter of a college grant writer and a housewife. She was funny from the start. At 7, she drew a picture of two people holding hands and carrying wedges of Swiss cheese, with the caption: “What a friend we have in cheeses."

Tina on her busy lifestyle:

Fey smiles wearily. “It’s very full,” she says. “But I would be lying if I said there were not tears involved at home occasionally—just occasionally. Last spring, my husband was trying to joke around with me. I was saying, ‘Please stop talking. I’m trying to go to sleep,’ and he kept talking. Out of the blue—he still mentions it, that I had the most terrifying look on my face—I just went, ‘Stop it!!!’ and shoved him across the bed. The life of the working parent is constantly saying, ‘This is impossible,’ and then you just keep doing it.”

2. Eva Mendes (child would be Obama-replica model)

3. Rachel Weisz

4. Leaving Las Vegas period Elisabeth Shue

5. Brittany Murphy (he must just really like the last name Murphy, because I cannot for the life of me explain this one)

alex's passion for the insane knows no bounds

"Filipino Box Spring Hog" - Tom Waits (mp3)

We might throw some of Danish's swimmers in there too just for giggles. I asked Danish who his ideal mates were and he gave me this oddly balanced listicle:

Danish's List

1. Gabrielle Union

2. Huma Abedin

3. Alessandra Ambrosio

4. Naomi

5. Sarah Palin: The Pro Life Alaskan Governor

can we go half on a bb

Linx Linx Linx

The Future Of The Book

Abazurdidos

Sukkersøtt

The Trickle-Down

Bibliophile Bull Pen

Molly Lambert is the senior editor of This Recording.

Bernard: I've got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She'll be a summery girl. She'll have hair. She'll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I'll ditch her, because she's my summer girl!

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING:

The Annotated/Condensed Society Of The Spectacle

Part One: You Know Nothing Of My Work

Part Two: Chew Bubblegum And Kick Ass

Part Three: You Are As Human As The Rest Of Us, If Not More So

In Which This Is Such A Brunch City

We like to catch up with the actress-singer-phenomenon-half jew known as Scarlett Johansson from time to time. It appears we were rightly concerned about her coupling with the one guy from a pizza place, Ryan Reynolds. The following testimony comes from an anonymous dear friend of TR who witnessed (in the downtown Manhattan boutique in which she works) what can only be described as the end of an era.

Who Could Do Better?

They came in, and immediately I did a double take. I thought, "No, it can't be..." But it was. ScarJo has striking straight-blonde hair, she was wearing it under a beret, and Ryan Reynolds looked very in shape and "fit."

I went up to them, asked them how they were, if they needed anything, and ScarJo said, "Um, no. We're just looking. This morning, Ryan woke up and wanted to go shopping, so here we are!"

"Cherry Blossom (Simian Mobile Disco remix)" - Air (mp3)

Then Ryan moved to the men's section, while I stayed with ScarJo. I mentioned how we were slow, but that it would probably pick up after brunch.

She said, "Oh God, this is such a brunch city. Everybody does brunch. I used to like that place, you know on Clinton Street, but then it became so crowded. You go there and people just stare at you while you eat."

I clearly don't have this problem.

Then she asked to see some rings is our jewelry case. She chose two very pretty rings, but placed them on her middle finger. She then said, "I never wear rings on my ring finger. But you do."

I said, "Yeah, well I'm weird." She said, "No, it's not weird. I just don't do it." Then she proceeded to put on an oversized men's alpaca sweater and walk to the back of the store to find Ryan and pout. She and Ryan kind of took turns at pouting.

"Universal Traveller" - Air (mp3)

He is a very good-looking man. Quite slim, yet built. Beautiful, perfect skin. Much better looking in person. He made one joke though, and it was kind of disappointing. We have these $3,000 real tortoise shell glasses in our store. He put them on and said, "I invented the cat." I didn't really get it. Neither did anyone else.

I give it 3 months tops. She belongs with an older man. They both act too babyish. And as we all know, there is only room for one baby in any relationship. I'm guessing if anything, she was more of the caregiver. He seems like he needs a lot of pampering. But then again, I would too if I was dating her.

She is gorgeous, talented, and has a much better career ahead of her. All he has to look forward to is the return of Van Wilder. Still, he's very hot. You would have done him.

Our anonymous correspondent works at a boutique in Lower Manhattan.

"Summertime" - Scarlett Johansson (mp3)

We knew you didn't believe in monogamy, Scarlett, but come on now. As for you Ryan, it's not worth it. Nothing's worth it. You're better off being a man.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Scarlett and Natalie, lovers forever.

Scarlett in Iraq.

Scarlett loves Obama.

ryan and former lover