« In Which Megan Joy And Evangeline Lilly Are Robots In Disguise »

by DICK CHENEY

Welcome to Ask Dick Cheney.

I had gotten feedback from my editor after my ill-fated podcast submission that I was focusing too much on Lost and not enough about myself. Or...no, that was it.

With Lost becoming so paradoxical that Hurley's right testicle has ever so carefully retracted through his urethra into his body, it is all the more important that I answer the tough questions that are emanating from the television airwaves.

"i shouldn't have sang bob marley, i know that now!"

Who in their right mind would kick that piece of ass off American Idol?

Granted, Megan Joy wasn't winning any favors with her, "I don't care if I'm in the competition" attitude about the singing competition she entered herself in. Megan's vagina has already been ill-shaped by one child, but to the television viewer who is uninterested in exit wounds, Megan was the only thing that stopped me from ordering Anoop Desai's genial parents to be executed for their son telling the judges on Tuesday that Usher had made one of the greatest R&B albums of all time. Then Megan started making funny sounds with Allison as she entered the bottom three in votes. My reaction was a similar feeling as to when a woman makes a joke about something the morning after. This is no time for jokes.

Who do you think was a worse president, Obama or Bush?

It's a question I toy with after I get my giggles out watching Obama's press secretary sweat like a stuckling pig every day on C-Span. Obama seems to have an addiction more devasting than anything Richard Pryor or Darryl Strawberry ever faced: bailing out companies for no reason. In what non-Michigan based universe does the federal government have any business saving companies that have run themselves into a bankrupt oblivion? How on Earth is that going to help us going forward? There's only one person in the world with a worse plan of action.

step into the light, kate!

Is Kate Austin/Evangeline Lilly the first down syndrome/down syndrome acting performance in the history of television?

You have to give that freckled little betch credit. Perhaps knowing on the inside that she's going to spend the rest of her career playing opposite the intoxicatingly soft spoken Patrick Dempsey, she's milking this last acting role that anybody will care about for all it's worth. I mean, I just saw Dominic Monaghan pretty much ruin the new Wolverine movie, so we can only imagine what superhero concept Lilly will ruin - let us simply be glad that they already cast the role of Susan Storm.

What the fuck is Kate doing? Kate's desperate desire to save Ben Linus: was it purely to make Sawyer jealous? If so, this is the first time a woman has saved a child's life because she might possibly want to get with him when he's in his mid-40s. Although I guess that kinda did happen in that Bruce Willis movie The Kid.

I know the young, dying Linus is already pretty old, but is there any chance that when Claire nurses him through his illness that we could see her topless?

Whoa. That's the kind of groundbreaking television reserved for the series finale of Life on Mars. "Tell my dad I'm sorry Ben Linus" doesn't make much sense. He reminds me of a gayer Marcel Proust, and he's not even good at taking a bullet. How does Ben return from the Others, and how does he take his father out if he's now destined to chill with Jacob and Richard Alpert forever? Also, is it just me or would he and Alpert kinda make a cute couple?

The obvious next step at this point is to establish what might be at work in the survival of Ben Linus. He's not the only one who died and keeps on walking. Jacob died, too, and so perhaps did Richard Alpert. This group of folks never ages - perhaps they also can't be killed. Or maybe, just maybe, they all are dead - and they remain so. When you're dead, you can't have children, and that's what happened to so many people who were on the island. The Others could themselves even be the dead - why else would they tolerate a truce with an inferior population of hippies?

Who is Miles banging that he got 40 lines this week?

According to on-set reports, he's having bidaily intercourse with Carlton Cuse. They both can't wait for the Red Sox season to begin.

Say that Aaron and Clementine consummate the short but profitable sexual relationship they are no doubt about to embark on. If their offspring travelled back in time to see just how the fuck his grandparents made all this shit go down, who is he on the show?

Lapidus, of course.

What is Jack's purpose on the island?

I don't know, but I have a suggestion for the last images from the show. Whatever else is being wrapped up, Jack is still his dab-of-grey sour patch kid. Then, suddenly, he finds a secluded tennis court in the middle of the island. Shirtless Pete Sampras runs up to him wildly: "I've been waiting for someone to play against...someone to share my life with. I knew it sure as hell wasn't the blonde chick from Billy Madison. Let's play tennis until it's too dark and rub our chest hair during intercourse until the dawn." Amen.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He reminds you to purchase his album, Dick Cheney Sings The Music of Jack White.

it must have been love, but it's illegal now

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