« In Which It's A Question of Who Not To Kill »

Ask DC

by DICK CHENEY

I don't what you heard about me...

Welcome back to Ask Dick Cheney. Who else will answer the hard questions about Lost, and other confusing stuff, like why Mario Lopez is now our president and he demands weekly pressers? Someone check Helen Thomas. Is she dead?

When I came into office, the first thing I did was banish Helen to the back of the room. Do you know she was born without human genetalia? Similar situation to Victor Navasky.

Let's get to your questions.

Has Lost now become a can-you-top-this wherein an episode is purely a form to make fun of other writers' plot twists?

Hurley has now lost any connection to the events. He's just along for the ride to make fun of the show. Lost has done things with plot not even Nabokov would attempt. Its latest creation is the plot turn in which a character suddenly realizes he HAS to do something completely nonsensical because it's his destiny.

Hey brainiac, maybe running into the middle of the Hostiles camp and asking for the vagina you came out of before she's given birth to you with a loaded weapon wasn't the brightest idea.

Neither was Daniel's pedo conversation with young Charlotte. Are the writers now just getting high and watching To Catch a Predator?

Did they sound the Adam alarm on American Idol just so now his fans think he's in trouble and start voting in droves?

Even my gay daughter is into Adam. He's kind of like Elvis, but if Elvis was an unemployed loser living in Echo Park. He's everything to me. But really, how can you focus on anything but the abortion of the performance that Jamie Foxx delivered onto the viewing public. He's the anti-Susan Boyle. He's actually becoming less famous as I'm talking about him right now.

jamie, my intuition is that you should never sing againDid Joe Biden see that you were in the running for Worst Vice President Ever and just want to run away with the title?

I resent that, and I wrote a firm e-mail to the person who sent in this question. There were far worse VPs than me. I mean, some of them owned slaves! For some reason, I was never permitted to own slaves. I did briefly toy with going back to that time, but I would have had to pack a lot of Rogaine, and I'm not keen on letting the media into any of my lighter treasons.

Still: "I would tell members of my family — and I have — that I wouldn't go anywhere in confined places now," he said. "It's not just going into Mexico. If you're any place in a confined aircraft and one person sneezes, it goes all the way through the aircraft."

Let's not swear off Mexico so soon. Those people are the salt of the earth.

The White House was forced to issue a statement explaining that Biden really meant to say something completely different, and altogether reasonable:

"On the Today Show this morning, the vice president was asked what he would tell a family member who was considering air travel to Mexico this week. The advice he is giving family members is the same advice the administration is giving to all Americans: that they should avoid unnecessary air travel to and from Mexico. If they are sick, they should avoid airplanes and other confined public spaces, such as subways. This is the advice the vice president has given family members who are traveling by commercial airline this week. As the president said just last night, every American should take the same steps you would take to prevent any other flu: Keep your hands washed; cover your mouth when you cough; stay home from work if you're sick and keep your children home from school if they're sick."

What would be the appropriate rejoinder to J.J. Abrams if I were to see him on the street?

After this mind-numbing Jimmy Kimmel appearance, I would say a dickslap™ or maybe just a circumcision.

There's so many things I want to say to you, J.J. First off, who the fuck is named J.J.? 10 year-old boys and Harlem Globetrotters, mainly. I can't believe you did that to Star Trek. That was so, so stupid. You shouldn't have done that. This is like The Phantom Menace all over again. He's now not just ruining television shows that he's created; he's ruining other people's television shows.

What do next week's promotional photos tell us?

Somehow, Jack is back.

As Bill Simmons put it the other day: Fox has dueling "Guys, this is stupid, can't we just fast-forward to 2009 again?" and "I should be getting huge paychecks to star in crappy romantic comedies" looks on his face." This is sad but true. Let's just throw him into the 24 universe and never speak again of him on Lost.

On the other hand, maybe we can just fuse him together with Patrick Dempsey.

Who else can they kill to drive up ratings for season finale?

We can only hope they kill off Jin finally, as his sole function now is to contribute a line about how he'll do whatever it takes to get back together with Sun. This is so we can sob for realsies when he finally gets back with Sun, stroking her hair, we'll be like, "He talked about this in many previous episodes."

We can only pray they kill Kate, as she speaks solely in backstory, addressing Jack as "past partner" and shooting darts into Juliet with her doe eyes. Meanwhile Sawyer and Juliet are holding hands like bros. That's your girl, James. She's not your bro.

The end of this season is a slow build towards the detonation of a hydrogen bomb, which will effectively alter the timeline and prevent any of Lost from ever happening. Is this the secret wish of the show's producers, kind of like killing off the whole show — we can return them to the lives they might once have led. It's a morbid thought if you're Locke though. He may not want to let Jack alter the future like that. I smell a power struggle.

What would you do differently from Barack Obama if you had rightfully taken the Republican nomination for president in 2008?

Oh, I could never be president. When you're the president, you can't tell people to go fuck themselves.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

lost: where it's okay to be a pedo"Blood Red Moon" — The XX (mp3)

"VCR" — The XX (mp3)

"Teardrops" — The XX (mp3)

Comments

[Molly]

Dick Cheney is such a reasonable old man