TV « In Which Adam Lambert Probably Ejaculates Glitter Or Some Shit »
Wednesday, May 13, 2009 at 1:13AM 
Liveblogging American Idol
by MOLLY LAMBERT
American Idol
Season 8
Paula's text to Gokey was actually "pppppppppppp." There is no way that woman knows how to text correctly. She can barely speak English. Gokey is getting ready for his future career as a cruise ship entertainer. Danny Gokey's money spot is a place I never want to go.
Kara's subtext: "I find you physically repulsive. Please stop dancing, forever." Simon's hair still looks like a Frankenstein flat-top. Is Seacrest wearing Cuban heels?
Kris seems like a nice enough young man. He's wearing chipped blue nail polish. Do you think he ever did before Adam Lambert swept into his world?
Chris Pine is way hotter than Kris Allen though. Read my Star Trek review?
"Apologize" by One Republic is actually a perfect song for Kris's meager talents. Kara is the Kelly Bensimon of Idol and I love it. She just called Kris "competent," which is like Kelly saying that Bethenny "does a great job" being a pathetically single career-driven chef.
Kris is still really good looking. He's probably got a future. He can play the bad guy in the sequel to Star Trek or the monster in Cloverfield 2. Simon, real talk. Somebody make me a GIF wall that is all just Simon and Lauren Conrad from "The Hills" rolling their eyes.
Don't understand how the Mac guy/PC guy ad campaign is still going. This can only have damaged Apple's sales. Nobody wants to hang out with the Mac guy.
Adam Lambert = Spock. America is ready for gay guys with emo hair to take over the universe. I for one am ready to give in to my homosexual raven-locked overlords.
Wow, Carrie Underwood is in Angola while a vocal version of Toto's "Africa" plays. Something about Idol Gives Back is condescending to the people it helps. But it's nowhere near as gross as the public service thing on The Biggest Loser they just announced which is called "Pounds For Pounds" and involves people losing weight and then the hungry are fed with the pounds of their shed flesh. No it's not that, but that's what it sounds like.
YES GOKEY SING TO YOUR DEAD WIFE. TUG THOSE HEARTSTRINGS ONE MORE TIME. It's not working at all because your facial hair is a prison pussy. Something about everything he does is so repulsive to me. He has no soul. He dresses like the president of a college acapella group or the bartender at a Cheesecake Factory. I hope this is a fake-out because they're planning to vote him off. If it comes down to Gokey and Lambert, I bet Gokey will win. Because that will be America's punishment for letting Gokey get this far in the competition.
Even Simon is greasing up Gokey. Are we in an alternate universe? Is this a time loop?
Clearly Kris Allen is a gay fish. This is his best performance on the show to date. He sounds like the dude from Matchbox 20. I mean that as a Kelly Bensimon style compliment! How could you be so Arli$$?
"Did they sleep together?" - my roommate Jess, on the Simon/Paula dynamic
The judges are freaking out because Kris just pulled an Adam Lambert and did a crazy opposite version of a hip-hop song. My cousin Marly Guthrie could easily sweep this competition with her acoustic soul versions of Prince songs.
Adam changed out of his Texas tuxedo into a slinkier leather number.
This is pretty good but I was really hoping he'd sing an acceptance anthem like Xtina's "Beautiful" or Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors." Failing that, I was really praying for "You Oughta Know" in the dream that he'd stare Simon in the eye during the "go down on you in a theater" part. Maybe Adam's secret is that he is THE LAST CASTRATO. He will be the next Farinelli!
Farinelli, famous castrato singer
Adam Lambert is like Obama. He knows he's good, so he can chill out. He's not threatened by the competition. He can say genuinely nice things about them and mean it. He's just cool as fuck and he breaks none of Gokey's flop sweats reaching for those high notes. Shit is effortless for Adam Lambert! Of course it is. He's a Lambert.
Molly Lambert is the managing editor of This Recording. She tumbls here.
"Apologize" - Silverstein (OneRepublic cover) (mp3)
"Apologize (Mike Shinoda Remix)" - OneRepublic (mp3)
"Apologize (Daft Punk Remix) - OneRepublic (mp3)
"Apologize (Mike D Bass Remix) - OneRepublic (mp3)
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