CELEBS « In Which We Look Into Becoming Kristen Stewart »
Thursday, July 9, 2009 at 3:14PM 
Kristen Stewart Is The Mother of Us All
by ALEX CARNEVALE
Kristen Stewart is the refined perfection of femininity up to this point. Although fairly young in years and fairly obnoxious in interviews, we nonetheless wish to be born again as her. It's up to science to make that possible.
Before Michael Jackson died, he thought about cloning himself. It's a shame he didn't — and you can bet his concert promoters wished they had encouraged him a little more sternly.
Serious ethical concerns have been raised by the idea that it might be possible in the future to harvest organs from clones. Some people have considered the idea of growing organs separately from a human organism - in doing this, a new organ supply could be established without the moral implications of harvesting them from humans. Research is also being done on the idea of growing organs that are biologically acceptable to the human body inside of other organisms, such as pigs or cows, then transplanting them to humans, a form of xenotransplantation.
I have a solution to this ethical problem: clone Kristen Stewart. Then whenever you needed a new heart, you could just get Kristen Stewart's heart. Harvesting the organs of her clones would just be mainstream like 30 Rock and Jeb Bush. We need authenticity in popular culture, and Kristen can provide it.
Young hospital patients would have pictures of Kristen on their walls. She would have brought joy to transplant wards, victims of motorcycle accidents, Stephenie Meyer apologists. For there's one way for the exchange of organs to be good and on the level — charge for the work, the implantation of K-Stew's organs, but make the organs themselves free to those in need, in the quantities they are available.
Kristen has already consigned herself to a life of photographers trying to snap her every Joan Jett impression. She's already agreed to perform mouth-to-mouth on Dakota Fanning, how would the availability of her lungs to emphesyma patients possibly degrade her more than that scene from The Runaways?
Those of us who have actually read the Twilight series know what Bella is destined to become. It will be a great cultural moment when we can watch her pregnant with Robert Pattinson's bb. Do you know how many photographs there will be of that? There will be more photographs of that than of Jesus.
Maybe we need to get Kristen's agent on the phone. They've marketed her perfectly, the way I wish they had marketed Mariah Carey — like a really depressed lesbian. It is a thing of beauty to be surrounded by moody lesbians every hour of every day. They're good company, they're willing to dress up like Joan Jett or Gloria Steinem depending on the hour and lunar tides, and they're receptive to new ideas.
Julia Roberts will be whimpering about how lucky she was! Every single mistake she makes will be ONTD'd. This is a scary fate for anyone, it murders most anyway. Can we instead donate her body to science?
Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He tumbls here.
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Reader Comments (11)
god this bitch fuccin fine
I hate how everyone makes her out to be a totally undeserving, uncaring bitch. Not everyone has enough energy to be perky and happy about everything. I know I'm not one of those perpetually happy people and often come off something like Kristen. It's not that she doesn't care at all, she just can't care twenty four seven. At least she's authentic and honest.
can't agree more with this writing ... and disagree with Jessie! hey ... I'm being honest ... right?
I meant agree with Jessie!! Sorry ... been up for about 18 hours!
It seems that everytime someone gets famous,more people become critical of their very essence.I must dissagree with everything written in this article.The freedom of speech may be great,but the world would be a better place if people just kept their negative criticism to themselves.especially when they know it comes from pure jealosy and having nothing better to do than write a demeaning article about someone that is slightly different.Since when is being diffrent bad?It seems that those different people are more sucessful in life, like Stewert for instance.
Mainstream is an insult, right? Always?
i rather like how she looks in that blue dress, as for the article she can have whatever attitude and demeanor she pleases i really could care less I'm sure there will always be a niche for her character in film
I love how everyone disagrees with this blog. It just reinforces it even more.
okay i read most of this article then thought..eh sucks. and mainstream? okay people who are not mainstream always try and use that as an insult. it is so predictable and idiotic! i happen to like BOTH mo'fo so what does that make me? besides who the heck cares if she is mainstream though she doesn't really seem like it. also, she is shy as EFFF. she even admits it in interviews! when i was painfully shy like her people always thought i was a stuck up bitch, but that is nott how it is at all. i like her, don't love her. but whateverr.
OK is anyone else creeped out by this post?? LOL
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