« In Which Lost Ascends To A Higher Plane of Clear »

The Sad Tale of Jack and Bobby Joe

by DICK CHENEY

Hey you guys. As you probably know, I've been in the hospital all week. The docs say I have a case of the owies, and my lifelong love affair with processed cheese has come to an end. I can no longer discern the difference between catheter and penis, flashback and flashforward, Cuse and Lindelof. I am at the mercy of the demons which have come to claim me, and I'm pretty sure I saw Karl Rove hiding in my bathroom reading Joshua Ferris' abortion of a novel.

Let me get to some reader mail:

Chenesies,

You recently asserted that Lost was racist and that Graydon Carter owned slaves. This all seems accurate, but do you also feel Tyler Perry is racist, and where do you stand on The Blind Side?

Lola in Las Vegas

As if you had to ask. The only thing more offensive than Sandra Bullock's neck is the fake horseplay between Simon Cowell and Ellen DeGeneres. (And if you ask me, Kara DioGuardi looks like a really smooth potato.)

I personally think luge and potentially skiing should be shut down for being dangerous. Also, is Al Michaels alive or dead? The result is inconclusive, and potentially relevant to Lost insofar as Al Michaels might be the smoke monster. But in the end isn't the Olympics just a way to get teenage girls to hate their bodies and pad Bob Costas' bank account?

Someone also wrote to tell me my rhetorical questions are weak. I told her that the rhetorical question is the ideal device for manipulation of others, for it offers a heady uncertainty and a skeptical jauntiness that offends the other party, provoking them into action, positive or negative.

don't eat milanos in front of me when u know my diet is gluten-freeThis is the relationship of Jack Shepard with his parallel universe son Bobby Joe (was that his name? It is what I shall call him). Bobby Joe wishes Dad/Jack could understand the new music the kids are listening to; Chopin and probably "How You Remind Me" if his son's dramatic piano recital wasn't interrupted by more "candidate" tomfoolery. The idea of Jack being a dick to his son like his father Christian Shepard is a true story from Matthew Fox's childhood. You can see him with his real father in this archival photograph:

Later in the parallel universe, Jack brought home a pizza for his boy and then acted like it was a special prize. It's a pizza, Jack, it's not your son's reward for loving you. I hope it was gluten-free, you asshole. Perhaps Jack is Hurley's real father, and Bobby Joe is Hurley before calories became something of a way of life. Jack trying to raise a son is a hilarious process, since unlike candy machines and directional lighthouses, you cannot just smash your son to bits when you become frustrated with him.

david you're so angry but you're really good at the piano there budI guess Jack probably wanted a son who was more into Driveshaft? In any case, it was jarring to see Jack mournfully staring out at the ocean, for some reason nostalgic about the son he never had. Fortunately this flashsideways ended on a high note, with Bobby Joe and his daddy riding off together on a tandem bicycle.

oh hey guys - didn't see you through my tearsiesBack on the island, Jack and Hurley are running into Kate. Accidentally. In the middle of the jungle. The ensuing encounter is so painfully awkward, especially because Jack can tell from Kate's slightly ammonia-based hormonal emission that Sawyer has recently left the general area. Jack doesn't trust anyone, he's been a lone wolf for too long. It's good to know you can still run into old friends on the island, even ones who hate your new friends. It's like the fucking Senate.

abc accidentally signed this actress and she will be the new ShaftI have no idea why the parallel universe Jack also had to find out about Claire Littleton, except that they'll be meeting up to talk about when Aaron should start hating his uncle. Actually, this is only important in that candidates (Claire included) appear to be the ones who have survived into the alternate universe. So far, it is definite that the following people are candidates: Hugo, Sayid, Sun, Locke, Shepard (Christian or Jack), Claire, and that Boone and Charlie and Rose were candidates.

I wish I could go back to 1995, when did you order the code red jokes were still in vogue Hugo Reyes is actually looking somewhat svelte these days. He's proved he's a lot more open to the power of suggestion than Jack is, although he did stand up for himself against a samurai. Since I have spoken fluent Japanese since the War of 1812, I can reveal that Dogen told Hurley, "You're lucky I have to protect you. Otherwise I'd cut your head off," indicating that Dogen has also received messages from Jacob, probably handwritten, probably love letters.

"your son brings a slight tremor to my testicle jack, doctor mister jack shepard"
Somewhere in the jungle - forgotten by Kate Austen, his dead best friend Charlie and his loving wife - Jin learned a lesson that James Caan did awhile back - never piss off the crazy woman who tends to your injuries. The show needed a wild card, although why this had to be achieved by sacrificing the sex appeal of Emilie de Ravin to a mysterious "infection" remains to be seen.

I like your voodoo Aaron, and I think Kate will tooFortunately, I have had time while under doctor's orders to prepare this Hot Emilie de Ravin Memorial Gallery. No doubt Barack Obama will find the time to do an interview with Katie Couric about this important cultural event, since he does an interview for the Super Bowl, the Westminster Dog Show, and every time he jerks off watching Undercover Boss.

The guy in the hospital bed across from me has a very predictable political perspective, but he did come up with this theory: what if the Adam and Eve in the caves are actually Jacob and the Man in Black before they were fighting over the island? I thought about this for awhile while amusing my nurse with a yogurt moustache.

Claire is now a heartsick puppy. For some reason she is captivated by the idea of reclaiming the child she had already promised to abandon. Like Jack, she is traumatized by hanging out with their father, who has presumably vacated the premises of Jack's corpse now that the Man in Black inhabits Locke's carapace. Sometimes I try to explain Lost to myself and I just cry for hours on end.

it didn't work out with libby, but he found something else on the island with three holesWhile I'm off my feet recovering from God's attack on my heart, I plan to rewatch the entire series from beginning to end, stopping only for mere moments when my cravings for Space: Above and Beyond become too prescient for me to ignore, and occasionally choking myself a little during the really epic parts of either show.

i just came by to pick up my paycheck for this episode, carry onIf I was to review all the seasons of Lost, it would go a little something like this:

Season 1: It's all boring backstory until somebody finds a hatch

Season 2: The show's undeniable best, with the introduction to the Dharma mythology and Michelle Rodriguez

Season 3: Maybe the show's worst season, as it took five episodes for Jack to do surgery on Ben for no real reason. Evangeline Lilly started looking like Kermit the Frog around episode six. The names Nikki and Paulo will haunt me all of my daze

Season 4: The freighter season was pretty entertaining, but we haven't heard the word Widmore in awhile so what was the point? The Oceanic Six make The Candidates look lame in comparison, unless they are possibly the same thing

Season 5: Easily the most confusing season of television ever with four different time jumps and eighteen different deus ex machina, I loved every second of it

Paul Wolfowitz's theory is that it's only mere episodes before Kate will die, forever binding Jack and Sawyer to one another and they will become the new Jacob and Esau, respectively.

But look, if Kate Austen can be a candidate for something, why can't I? This is why recent days have me pondering the feasibility of a 2012 presidential run assuming Don Cheadle doesn't want it more than God wants to stop my heart from beating.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is the former vice president of the United States. You can find his review of previous episodes here.

"Transmitted to Fulfillment" - Haunted Ghost (mp3)

"Artschool Asshole" - Haunted Ghost (mp3)

"Nightwalkers" - Haunted Ghost (mp3)

Comments

[Molly]

Cheney 4 Prez Of My ♥