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Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 10:50AM 
The Taxonomy of the Nerd
by BENJAMIN HALE
I have been using this to entertain people at parties for years, and I’ve finally decided to write it down. I have to credit my good friend Sam Cooper as the co-creator of this graph. (Check out his band, Horse Feathers.) The very first Nerd Graph was rendered on a napkin at Abo’s Pizza in Boulder, Colorado sometime around the turn of the millennium.
As a nerd, I have always been interested in nerd anthropology. Non-nerds often fail to understand that not all nerds are created equal. In my years of careful observation I have identified four distinct subspecies of nerd. I believe that all nerds can be generally grouped as follows: geek, dork, creep and loser.
They are identifiable along a Cartesian spectrum:
Keep in mind that these are not static categories; any nerd could be represented as a dot somewhere on this graph. The “perfect nerd” (as dubious and elusive as a cryptozoological creature) would be a dot falling exactly at the intersection of all four categories. I will now detail the distinguishing characteristics of each subspecies of nerd.
Geek
Nerds who are both intelligent and social are geeks. The geek is generally the most well-adjusted and successful nerd. His nerdiness usually does not prevent him from, if necessary, “passing” as a non-nerd when interacting with mixed company, although he feels most comfortable in the company of other geeks. I am a geek. Most of my friends are also geeks. But that doesn’t mean we’re not cool. Geeks may, for instance, do drugs. This does not make them non-nerds.
Identifying characteristics
Obsessive and/or arcane hobbies: photography, backgammon, etc.
Expansive knowledge about a certain subject: for instance, there are music geeks, movie geeks, etc.
Ability to “pass”
Mating habits
Geeks usually have sex with other geeks. Female heterosexual geeks may have sex with non-nerds, and sometimes male creeps — very rarely with male dorks. Male heterosexual geeks usually only have sex with female geeks, though there are observed instances of male geeks having sex with female dorks. Male geeks also sometimes have sex with non-nerds, but it is observably rarer than with female geeks. However, a relationship between a geek and a non-geek rarely lasts, for at some point the geek’s mask will slip.
Where to find them
Music stores, book stores, liberal arts colleges, graduate programs, “hip” neighborhoods in major metropolitan areas
Quintessential geek
William Jefferson Clinton
Bill Clinton’s ability to “pass” is uncanny, and as for intelligence and sociability, he maxes out both scales.
Dork
The dork is social and unintelligent. The dork is social with other dorks. A dork in isolation becomes a loser (see below). Dorks often have not achieved sufficient self-awareness to realize that they are dorks. Dorks like to think of themselves as geeks—they would. They are not geeks. Unfortunately, they are not at a viable vantage point from which to determine where they stand in relation to other nerds on the chart. From their position, geeks do not look like nerds. Geeks, however, know the difference, and are rarely fooled when a dork attempts to integrate into geek society.
Identifying characteristics
Non-ironic enjoyment of live-action role-playing games; Dungeons & Dragons, Magic: the Gathering, etc.
Self-identification with subcultures as expressed in style of dress: Goth, Cyberpunk, “Steampunk,” etc. (Usually any subculture with the suffix “punk” fits, as, for that matter, does any deliberately named subculture.)
Nightmare Before Christmas paraphernalia displayed on person
Every dork owns a copy of at least one Neil Gaiman book
Mating habits
Dorks almost exclusively and by necessity have sex with other dorks. There are far fewer female than male dorks, resulting in a bottlenecking effect. Thus dork societies are often matriarchal: an even moderately attractive female dork will rapidly sail to the top of a dork social hierarchy. A heterosexual female who chooses to enter dork society will never want for dork suitors; however, she can never come back. Dorks also like to brag to one another about their kinky sex practices, which they also embrace non-ironically. Polyamory, bondage and S/M are particularly popular among dorks.
Where to find them
Attend a Renaissance Festival. You will be unable to throw a rock without hitting one. Please throw it hard.
Quintessential dork
This guy:
A note on a key difference between the geek and the dork: geeks may partake in dork pleasures, such as comic books, science fiction/fantasy and so on. However, for the geek these pleasures cannot be indulged in without some element (however trace) of irony. The dork enjoys them unabashedly, seriously, and respectfully. A geek may harbor a Tolkien obsession; dorks are usually into "Fantasy" as a genre and concept. As geeks know and dorks don't, that's a big difference. Arguably, the dork is purer of heart than the geek. This is the dork’s consolation for being objectively dumber.
Creep
The creep has the respect of the geek, but cannot — usually by choice — enter geek society. The creep can even be social with nerds and non-nerds alike, but if you meet a creep you will feel an impenetrable wall around him. There are, obviously, far fewer creeps than geeks. The creep is usually a man of few words —that’s part of what makes him creepy. The creep is a creature of extremes: for instance, the creep is more likely than other nerds to be a complete teetotaler, but the creep is also more likely to be a severe alcoholic. The creep may have a mild autism-spectrum disorder, such as Asperger’s. The creep is far more likely than the geek to be politically conservative. Libertarianism is an especially popular political sympathy among creeps. The overwhelming majority of creeps are male, though there are anecdotal accounts of female creeps.
Identifying characteristics
Distant, scary look in eyes. Otherwise, most creeps dress and behave much like ordinary people. Creeps usually have no sense of humor: they do not tell jokes or laugh, unless to express derision.
Mating habits
We’re not saying it has never happened, but there has never been a confirmed incident of a creep having sex with another creep. However, the male creep may sometimes have a certain sexual allure to female nerds and non-nerds alike. Often the creep seems entirely asexual—or worse, to have secret sexual proclivities far “kinkier” than the silly and self-congratulatory “kink” of the dork.
Where to find them
Your IT department; houses with Ron Paul campaign signs on lawns; suspiciously sitting alone at unusual times of day in public parks.
Quintessential creep
Theodore Kaczynski, AKA the “Unabomber”
Loser
The loser (AKA “tool”) is a nerd so socially undesirable, not even the dorks will have him. The loser is cursed with both low intelligence and poor social skills. He walks the earth like a pariah, pitifully glomming onto social groups who always eventually reject him. Unlike the creep — who is usually solitary by choice — the loser’s solitude is unwanted. Nobody wants to be friends with him. He is not smart or interesting or fun in any way. He is annoying and occasionally creepy, but unlike the creep, he is creepy in a way that no one could ever fear or respect.
Much like the dork imagines himself to be a geek, as a reaction to his loserhood, a loser will assume that he is an inwardly tortured genius merely because he is a social outcast. He is wrong. His self-projected dark genius is mere poseury, fooling only himself (self-deception is easy when you’re a loser). This is why the loser is actually more dangerous than the creep. Many assassinations, mass murders and acts of domestic terrorism are not actually committed by creeps, but by self-deluded losers presumptuously striving to be creeps.
Identifying characteristics
Irritating voice
Seeming ubiquity
Uncanny inability to tell when his presence is unwanted (for example, a loser may obliviously remain in the company of a couple who clearly want to have sex until he has to be told to leave)
The loser usually has some inexplicably repulsive physical trait: for instance, a permanently chapped lower lip
A zero-level fashion sense: dorks, despite looking very silly, often do dress well in their own way. Sometimes when trying to infiltrate dork society, the loser will don the vampire cape/top hat/Doc Martins of the dork, but somehow be unable to pull it off.
Mating habits
None to speak of. The loser will, however, discourse at eye-rolling length on his sexual exploits, which all non-losers—even dorks—will immediately perceive, with embarrassing obviousness, as made-up.
Where to find them
Anywhere you don’t want them to be.
Quintessential loser
Mark David Chapman, assassin of John Lennon
How to identify a nerd
What is a nerd? How can we determine whether or not someone belongs on the graph at all? This is a difficult question, and I have devised only one surefire answer, although it is an admittedly subjective and sociologically unsatisfactory one. It is a simple litmus test: whether or not one is interested in the graph. If I draw the graph and begin to explain it, I can tell who is a nerd and who is not based on who pays attention. If I draw the graph and someone shrugs and turns away, I know that person is not a nerd. If I draw the graph and begin explaining it and someone displays even remote interest, then I know that person is probably on the graph. If you have read all the way to this last sentence, then you may rest assured that you are a nerd.
Benjamin Hale is a contributor to This Recording. This is his first appearance in these pages. You can find his website here. His novel The Evolution of Bruno Littlemore is forthcoming from Twelve in February.
"Ever Make You Mine" - These United States (mp3)
"One You Believe" - These United States (mp3)
"Life & Death She & I" - These United States (mp3)
benjamin hale, creeps, geeks, nerds
Reader Comments (30)
well this is pretty magnificent
Yes! Lisa Birnbach, made relevant!
Jesus, all of these sound like me.
Hilarious.
Today's forecast: smug-y with a chance of brilliance
Brilliant!
Hmm, I think you've confused "geek" with "hipster."
I'm w/ Lana on this. A GEEK bites the heads off chickens in a carnival side-show.
I don't know about biting off chickens, but yeah, I'm with Lana, too. Although I don't know 'bout the hipster's ability to "pass" ...
No, no, no. Hipsters are either dorks who treat the fashion trends and postures themselves as a form of cosplay ("I'm going to put on a keffiyeh and act disaffected! Yay!) or else they're actually indie-nerds and thus a form of music geek.
Exactly. Some geeks are hipsters; not all hipsters are geeks. Most aren't. At the intersection you tend to find self-conscious, low-grade hipsters: black frame glasses, sure, but you wouldn't catch him dead in a keffiyeh.
Whoawhoawhoa, kimosabi....are you SURE you didn't steal this from The Nerd Venn Diagram?
I am some what concerned with the Intelligence side of this diagram. I don't really think that people who love video games, D & D, comic books, and other somewhat goofy hobbies are less intelligent than someone who knows how to deal with other people socially, and dress in a way that basically makes them hipsters, and have hobbies that are as technical as computer programing and photography. I'm going to have to say that it is something else that differentiates these groups other than intelligence. Besides all that, what relevance is "passing" in this day and age? I really doubt anyone gives a shit about how popular they are in the workplace other than how much money they are making anyway.
Nice graph. It would be interesting to do a graph with all the categories a nerd could be during his life.
Like the loser in high school who graduates to dork in college.
Or the geek who become a dork. It is possible. It will happen to the guy who uses to hang out with friends that were smarter than him high school. Everyone taught he was smart but when he starts to hang out with dork in college he become one of them.
The same guy could also become a loser later in his life.
One of the most common will be the geek who becomes creep. The guy with a huge CD and DVD collection who slowly loose contact whit old friends ending up spending his evening alone in his apartment.
The dork who becomes a loser is also frequent. It’s kind of a natural transition. Usually it happens to people who are not able to do the switch in the real world. In high school they looked like they were social people but they were always hanging with their old friends from elementary school.
The moment they lose contact with their friends they become clueless. They are unable to have a decent conversation with people they don’t know since their childhood.
"Jesus, all of these sound like me."
^^ yep
I don't really think that people who love video games, D & D, comic books, and other somewhat goofy hobbies are less intelligent
Do you think this makes them MORE intelligent?
To me it is clear that hipsters are an evolution of geek people. Sometime dork but most of the time geek.
Simply put we can say that hipsters are to geek what goths are to dork. Hipsters are cooler but in the end it is still self-identification expressed in style of dress.
No, I don't think hobbies make you more or less intelligent than another group of people. I see no difference between being interested in reading comics, and photography, or LARPing and playing chess.
Also, being a geek and a hipster are NOT mutually exclusive. I have met plenty of dumb hipsters. What does that make them?
Dumb hipsters are probably former dork. Dorks have a natural tendency to become goths or some kind of punk variation but depending on their environment they could become hipsters.
Dork hipsters are easy to spot. They are the wrong kind of hipsters. They don’t dress cool. They don’t have cool bike. They think all the underground bands are cool and they usually grow an ironic mustache that makes them look idiots.
But don’t get me wrong, having an ironic mustache could be cool if you have a mustache face. If your mustache makes you look like an idiot you will look an idiot even if you’re ironic. An ironic idiot.
Ugh. No.
From your choice of pictures and thinly veiled self-aggrandised tone it is clear you consider yourself a geek. When really, you are a douche. Not just that, but a hipster douche. Why hipster douche? You might ask. Because you associate yourself with this off-set/sub-genre of people and yet you are still too cool to actually assimilate and understand the people you associate with.
Epic fail.
Good day to you, sir
I love how seriously people take fun things like this, as if since it has been written, new social constructs have been put in place based on one persons prose. Hilarious article, good work, the rest of ya'll CHILL OUT
You might want to touch on the subject of sexual harassment in the mating habits section. I've known LOTS of what you would call creeps and losers (hetero) who sexually harass women regularly. It is sometimes hard to tell if they realize it is harassment on account of social difficulties.
Dear author.
We get it. You are very insecure about being a nerd, so you made a chart (A favorite nerd activity) to demonstrate to yourself and others how you're way better than other nerds and should totally be considered a part of normal society.
Then you posted this nerd chart to your nerd blog to establsh nerd dominance among your fellow nerds, in your bid to become the alpha nerd and have your pick of the dwindeling number of female nerds.
No seriously what the shit are you doing? Is this some fucking self-help excercise? Do you need to do this to convince yourself you're a "cool" nerd and keep yourself from crying into your D&D character sheet?
Love,
BEAT
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It's funny how true this article can be. Most nerds fall somewhere under these 4 subcultures.
Although, some people have traits from two or more subcultures. I consider myself a creep. I used to be extremely socially awkward because I had Asberger's Sydrome as a kid but college helped me become a lot more self-aware. Which helped me become more able to "pass" I guess. Still, my solitude is more by choice than anything. I stand by my philosophy that most people are annoying as hell.
Not to say that I'm not now capable of being social. It's just a matter of choice.
But I'm a HUGE video game nerd. Under this graph, I guess that's considered "dork" but I'm not "unintelligent".
Which brings me to my next point, I don't think its fair to say that all dorks are unintelligent. There are intelligent people who are into the dork culture. They may not be able to pass as a social "geek" because they social grace but they're still smart.
I got to agree with BEAT here. You're article here does sound kinda pretentious and snobby. You speak so highly of "geeks" but so negatively of the other three subcultures. Which leads me to believe you're a snobby "geek" who see's himself on top of the nerd food-chain. Kinda rude man.
The usual privileging of the social over the solitary, even in this little niche demographic ! Instructive, and sad.
If you've made it all the way to the end of this thread of critical feedback,...
I'm sorry, but you've got the nerd/geek classification backwards. Geeks are socially abhorrent rejects with obsessive interests. Nerds are generally academic, apply themselves to fields that yield economic success, and have better social utility skills.
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