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Friday, August 6, 2010 at 10:11AM 
Love The Way You Lie Glen
by ALMIE ROSE
Season 4 of Mad Men just started. Let the predictions begin.
Don will say, "What do you want me to say?" at least twice before the season's end.
Duck Phillips will host a swinging beach party and Annette Funicello will show up and get drunk, but this will be referred to and not shown, because Mad Men is all about the great 60s references that make old people feel young again. And young people feel old in a fresh, hip, Urban Outfitters furniture-kind-of-way.
Don will say, "What do you want me to think?" at least twice before the season's end.
Betty will purse her lips and say something shrewd.
Henry Francis will be followed by a horde of villagers chanting "IMHOTEP!"
Glen will hide in the Drapers home's basement. He will emerge only at night, to play beautiful music on the family piano. Sally Draper will be enchanted. Then in a bizarre s'mores mishap, Glen will accidentally burn the house down. Sally will get blamed.
Don will crash his car again and chuckle about it later.
Harry will continue to lose weight and look like Buddy Holly by the season's end.
Something will happen and Peggy will not be amused by it. No, sir.
Hey remember when Pete raped someone?
Roger will ask Joan if she'll pee on him. Joan will ponder it in a voice over using puns like, "Urine Hot Water Now" and "If MGMT thinks it's time to pretend, is it time for me to pee-tend? Or should I control myself?"
Several episodes will end with a sobering image of something serious while a happy 60s tune plays in juxtaposition.
Colin Hanks will stay on Fox.
Black people will continue to be mysteriously absent.
Someone will say, "We can't lose this account!" They will then lose the account.
We'll be treated to another Don Draper/Dick Whitman/Grapes of Wrath flashback that will tell us everything we already know; that Don had a difficult childhood, that hobos are just honest folk trying to get by, and that this show is more than stylish outfits. The next scene will feature Betty in a stylish outfit, because we've had enough doom and gloom, and the Great Depression is just yucky.
Sally Draper will stab someone with a pair of scissors.
The Draper dog will run away and/or commit suicide.
Don will want Betty even more now that she's not his wife.
That guy that you've seen several times before, oh God he was in that movie with that guy, and I think he was in that TV show too, and wasn't he in that indie with Mark Ruffalo? will make a cameo.
Someone will say earnestly, "The times are changing, Don." It will probably be Roger. He will probably be smoking and/or drinking when he says it.
Sal will show up and make a great pop culture reference and everyone will laugh except for Pete.
Seriously, Pete raped that au pair. Remember?
Don will arrive at a party where some girl with long straight hair is singing a song in French. He will make a face.
Pete will accidentally shoot himself in the foot in the middle of a meeting. Literally. Don will tell him that his actions almost cost them the big account. Pete will cry, not for his foot, but for disappointing Don.
Betty will make a simple, yet loaded statement like, "It's all so beautiful" and we will all suddenly understand what her character is really about.
Nothing will happen and yet everything will change.
Paul Kinsey will be arrested for public nudity. Sterling-Cooper-Draper-Pryce will hear about it and laugh. Don will remark, "When you want ham...don't settle for turkey." Everyone will laugh but not really understand his joke. There will be an awkward silence. Pete will try to break it by saying, "I guess he should have ordered a side of hash browns." No one will understand that either. The silence will become even more awkward. Roger will say, "This is more awkward than the time I vomited everywhere." Everyone will understand that and will laugh and feel relieved. This is the precise moment when Don plots to murder Roger.
Someone will cry at their desk and it won’t be who we think it is! Unless it is.
Everyone will die. It will be okay though because they will all meet up in heaven and "move on" together. It will not make sense. It will come out of nowhere. Nothing will be explained.
Don and Roger will take on Playboy as an account. It will be a smashing success. They will be invited to a party at Huge Hefner's. Don will hit on a Bunny. She'll surprise him and say, "I'm sorry Mr. Draper, but I'm not that kind of girl." Don will realize that appearances are not always what they seem. He will apoologize take her to a real steak dinner and not even try to feel her up. She'll say, "Maybe there's hope for you yet, Mr. Draper" with a smile. He'll say, "Maybe there is" and cock his head and grin. Meanwhile Roger will learn the true meaning of Christmas.
Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She twitters here and blogs here. She last wrote in these pages about the Backstreet Boys.
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