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Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 10:41AM 
How To Love The Way You Look
by DURGA CHEW-BOSE
Teen People is a cache of celebrities pre-yoga; a wealth of baby fat, dimples, and Simpson sisters. The design too, is totally obsolete; like one of those tri-fold Health Services brochures with a scholastic spin: pull-quotes made to look taped on the page, extreme shadowing, chalk fonts, graph paper templates, and didactic arrows that point to “Fun flip-flops!” “Better skin tomorrow!” and Monica in a beaded headband and bra-strap tank top.
There’s one cover that stills stands out in my memory, of Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman, both looking especially sinister. Unlike any teen magazine I’d seen before, this cover was perky in a possessed way. Flames were printed on the letterman “P” and Hayden’s eyes appeared to roll back into his head — a strange choice. But Teen People was always a bit ridiculous like that; the only magazine to put the entire cast of One Tree Hill on its cover, or Lance Bass...three times.
"The One Who Announces Her New Year’s Resolution In April"
Misses drinking soda in Styrofoam cups
Her Facebook profile pictures include a scanned Polaroid of her mother as a teenager, Anna Karina, Françoise Hardy, or her, crouched on varying kitchen floors giggling with a glass of wine
Flirts with guys by saying, "You’re such a jokester!"
Hair that vaguely smells of root beer, purse that smells of old lipstick
Her weekend brunch outfit is very "Just Like Us!": shades, baseball cap, Lakers courtside casual
Destination wedding, no doubt
"The Bay Area Groupie"
Rolls her t-shirt sleeves, burrows in her sweaters, wears a thumb ring
Was for a brief minute, the fake Francesca Lia Block twitter
Her groceries are very 'ABC Family': Ragu®, SunnyD®, Bisquick®
Still looking for the Gaby Hoffmann Eloise-type Chelsea Hotel Book
Vows to never be a mom with Phaidon's The Art Book on her coffee table or the Butterfly Alphabet poster in her kids’ bedrooms
Will casually mention that she ate half a grapefruit for breakfast
"The Default Older Sister"
Wrote a pilot based on the 42West PR girls
Both enamored and grossed out by friends who refer to their parents without the possessive 'my' i.e. "Called Dad today while I was doing my laundry. Mom asked if it was weird that she friended you on Facebook."
Lies about her Excel skills in resumes
Sometimes describes a grown woman’s beauty as “very JonBenét”
Looks uncomfortable in pictures like celebrity DJs who pose mid-‘scratch’
Will ask a stranger to stop talking at the movies/seems to take a perverse pleasure in shaking the covered tray of letters when playing Boggle
"The Active Listener"
Is looking forward to one day baby proofing her apartment
At parties, she never sits lower than the armrest of a couch
Tans wearing her cornflower blue garment washed baseball cap
Her past Halloween costumes include: Tracy Flick, Left Eye, Madison Bell (Swimf@n), and the Napster cat
Likes lying in bed with her laptop warming against her thighs and digging into her ribs
Does not miss driving but misses tossing her purse in the backseat
"The '90s Vegetarian"
Her fingers are always a bit cold and clammy; the way people's legs feel when they peel off wet jeans
Wishes there was a 'September/October Cross-Draft' setting on her window air conditioner
Cringes when people say "à la" out loud
Doesn't run/loves reading running blogs
Has a stock image doppelgänger whose look is very at-risk teen cum Roxy model
Misses DKNY
Durga Chew-Bose is the senior editor of This Recording. She twitters here and tumbls here. She last wrote in these pages about Sidney Lumet's Running On Empty. You can find her tributes to Seventeen and YM here.
"Appetite (Kingdom edit)" - Usher (mp3)
"Yeah (DJ Prince Mellow remix)" - Usher (mp3)
"Love In This Club (MSTRKRFT remix) - Usher (mp3)
Reader Comments (2)
I kept that Hayden Christensen/Natalie Portman issue around for years just because it creeped me out.
dude somebody just left a stack of Teen Peoples on my street and I walked past them and did a double take remembering that it wasn't a magazine anymore and what kind of a magazine it had been. so this is TIMELY!