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How To Watch The American Idol Finale Without Really Trying

by ALMIE ROSE

I think Colin Hanks Jr. is going to win, as he's never been in the bottom three, and let me say, I hate Scotty. He is not just an assclown, he's an ass brigade.

Seacrest is in a tux. LOL okay dude. It cracks me up that they act like the finale of American Idol is the Oscars. It cracks me up that the Oscars acts like it's the Oscars.

Lauren is all dressed and ready to go to the...NOWHERE. I can't think of a single place where that outfit would be encouraged. This show has gotten so bad that commenting on the outfits is more interesting. It's been that way for a while now.

Now everyone sings "Bored This Way" and some of them are wearing things so regrettable they're on par with drunken texts. But Paul is there, so we're fine. But then Casey is there, so we're not. Oh God, I forgot Stefano existed. This is just...this show is always like this, right? The audience is filled with celebs, which makes the whole thing ten times more embarassing than me sitting here wacthing it with a nice Trader Joe's riesling.

James Durbin is singing with Judas Priest and he's shrieking the fuck out of the place. He's probably having the time of his life. Meanwhile Adam Lambert stands outside Lady Gaga's locked gate to her mansion showing the tracks of his tears.

The part of the show comes where they make fun of the judges quirks, and I gotta say, Randy legit cracks me up. He's having fun. He's, to quote himself, "In it to win it!"

Then miraculously, Orson Welles showed up. Oh, my bad, that's Jack Black. Wait, that makes even less sense. But yes, he's there. He and Casey sing fat bottomed girls while skinny girls in short shorts dance behind them. Yes, really.

The ladies in red sing Beyonce and "If I Were A Boy" is painful until Haley busts out her signature growly solo.

This show is like seven hours by the way. You're welcome.

Oh look. Beyonce.

Oh look, Steven Tyler montage. Steven, Mick Jagger called. He laughed hysterically then hung up.

It's amazing how long they draw out this show. Tony Bennett AND TLC perform. Though not together, which is a huge missed opportunity.

Oh look, it's Gaga dancing on the Aggro Crag. I'm just going to skip to the end, the boring white kid with the guitar wins. Again. Except this time he's more country than the last three WGWG. Which is so, so much worse somehow. American Idol indeed.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She is the creator of Apocalypstick.

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