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What You Need To Do

by ALMIE ROSE

Welcome to another edition of what you need to do, where we seek advice in the silver screen. Last time we looked at Jonathan Lynn's Clue. Today, let's look to Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space for what we need to do.

What you need to do is spy on the entire world. You always want to be in the know, so if this means getting a pair of binoculars, then you need to go for it. You never know what's going to come out of the sky and fuck with your perfectly perfect late-1950s girlfriend. Doesn't matter if you're standing in the middle of nothing; that's the first place they're going to attack!

What you need to do is dress in your finest black boob-enhancing dress and pile on the make up for your graveyard strolls. You never know what hottie you'll run into and it will be mortifying if he sees you without your brows penciled like you're perpetually surprised. The vampire look is in, and by vampire look we mean a well-placed mole and cheekbones that could stab someone right in the heart. You go, girl!

What you need to do is keep a close watch on your surroundings. You never know when an angry Fred Mertz type is going to sneak up on you. Maybe the real lesson here is don't smoke. Or don't leave your girlfriend sleeping in the car when you're in a graveyard. Who can say? We're all living in this crazy martian-invading world and doing the best we can, gosh darn it.

What you need to do is keep your hair perfectly coiffed. People will take you seriously if your hair looks like hardened cake frosting AND if you're wearing a tux. You combine those two and it's like, Oh hello MR. PRESIDENT. Pick up the slack, gentlemen!

What you need to do is have grace if you show up to a party and you're wearing the same outfit as someone else. Sometimes, these things happen. Forever 21 is really popular. It's best to take it with a smile and a laugh and a, "Hey, someone snap a picture of us crazy kids together!" Don't let grace be an accessory you leave at home.

What you need to do is get your beauty rest. Look at how perfectly relaxed and un-posed this young woman is, in her nighttime ballgown with her diary nearby. Ladies, take note: you CAN look pretty while sleeping! Work on it, girls!! Alien invasion is no excuse for bags under your eyes!

What you need to do is cut yourself more slack. Okay, so you signed up to star in a film by a director who's going nowhere and doesn't really know how to direct or even turn on a camera. That's okay, bro! Life is full of surprises. All you need to do is the best you can. Don't facepalm your way through life! Open up that face and shove your palm in your pocket. Don't you worry. The saucers are up there. The graveyard is out there. But I'll be locked up safely in there.

Almie Rose is the senior contributor to This Recording. She is a writer living in Los Angeles. She is the creator of Apocalypstick, and she twitters here. She last wrote in these pages about Clue.

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