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Sex, Lies & Gchat Transcripts

by DICK CHENEY

The Blacklist
creator Jon Bokenkamp

For years I kept a list of sorts, of the people who offended me the most. I even bought a voodoo doll from a lovely Asian woman that gave Joan Walsh stomach cramps for over a decade. I am also the reason that Selena Gomez will never be happy.

Anger comes quickly to me, a burning rage that begins at the top of my anus and at some point later, reaches my temples. Many people believe that what they say in the bowels of the internet or the New York Times editorial pages harms no one who is attacked there, or never reaches my ears. (When Gail Collins called me a "dessicated spook" in the one column she wrote that didn't sound like Andy Rooney ghostwrote it, I cried for a fortnight.)

looks like my doctor's appointment every month

I must be used to it, these scribes think to themselves, because I am Dick Cheney. Since in 2002 I could have easily given an order to have Nicholas Kristof imprisoned in a cage meant for a large rabbit, they believe I am either not bothered by their vindictive words, or in no position to do anything about what they say.

But this is not true. I could as easily destroy their puny lives as order the cold cut combo at Subway. I don't know why they said these things about me. Difficult tasks, such as torture or murder, must be done by good men. Tongue-in-cheek critiques of NBC dramas must be accomplished by the most moral of us.

coincidentally, this is also how george h.w. bush got his job with the CIA

Raymond Reddington (James Spader) is a bald criminal mastermind who turns himself into the FBI in the opening scene of NBC's The Blacklist. He explains that a dangerous terrorist has entered the country and plans to abduct a young girl. Later we learn that the terrorist's motivation is completely and entirely appropriate - he's taking revenge on the people who dropped chemical weapons on his village. He puts a timer on his bomb for no reason I can imagine, and straps it to the girl.

In order to stop him, Spader escapes from FBI custody. (Moments before, you'll recall, he had voluntarily entered it.) Spader has lost many follicles and aged many years since his last featured performance, as Steve Carell's show-killing replacement on The Office. Both roles, that of a career criminal and that of an office manager, share a crucial commonality: they require him to seem all-knowing.

just a reminder that every man with hair like that should make a wig while he still can

Admittedly, omnipotence is well within James Spader's range. As Dorothy learned when she pulled back the curtain to reveal the wizard, any poor schlub can pretend to be God and be convincing in the role. 

Spader's true talents lie elsewhere. He has shown, in his best roles, that he can extol a frenetic impotence better than almost any actor besides Bryan Cranston. Here he explains to the government that there are a great many evil individuals about whom they know nothing, criminals who walk the world anonymous. The long-nostriled bureaucrat who answers him has the perplexed look in his face, what we're all thinking - why would we want to know the existence of the death eaters, if we could spend our entire lives innocent of that knowledge?

the why? song "banana mae" was written about this woman, i suggest you youtube it immediately

Spader's arrangment with the FBI hinges on a key condition. He will only speak to Elizabeth Keen (Megan Boone), a middle-aged FBI profiler. She lives in a small apartment in Georgetown with her goofy husband. Her feet look like hands. She wants to adopt a child instead of having one herself, despite the fact she is more than capable of bearing the kid - it's half a slight on her husband, half an acknowledgment of her own genetic defects.

In any case, the chemistry between Spader and Ms. Keen is not at all lascivious. "Everything you know about yourself is a lie," he tells her. She has no follow-up questions, not even, "How's that?" She just watches him escape FBI custody for the fifth time in three episodes. It's a wonder the bureau approved this show, because it makes them look like incompetent, well-meaning fools. In reality, they are neither of those things.

it's plain to see/you're the reason that God made a girlThere is absolutely no eroticism in The Blacklist. The producers are palpably aware of this, because why else would they cast Isabella Rossellini as a guest star? The reason this lack of a sexual aspect is important is because that tension adds an additional layer to everything. The release, the lack of control shows us how difficult it is for these people to keep doing their jobs. There must, at long last, be something fun about the world. Unless you're Maureen Dowd, then it's all pretty much shit.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is the former vice president of the United States. He last wrote in these pages about the end of Breaking Bad.

My Personal Blacklist Besides Paul Krugman And Any Descendants/Demon Spawn He May Have

The guy who plays Jon Snow

Matt Taibbi

Professor Xavier

Harry Reid's mother (for having him)

Ashley Judd

The Black-Eyed Peas

Stephen Hawking (arrogant prick)

Jeremy Piven

Jim Fucking Lehrer

Carlton Cuse

Post-Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls Jim Carrey

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Stalin

Dan Houser

Damon Lindelof

Matthew Yglesias

Amanda Knox (more of a love/hate thing now that I think about it tho)

white people/the British

"Citizens" - Alice Russell (mp3)

"State of the Art (A.E.I.O.U.)" - Jim James (mp3)