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Bran I Don't Care About Your Warg Dreams

by DICK CHENEY

Thrones. The moment someone starts telling you their dream you can assume it's all gone wrong. In Bran's juvenile dream he sees his mother, which is one of the more pathetic things about Bran. You just know inside Bran there's a voice saying, "I'm special, aren't I?" It doesn't help to sleep on a featherbed, you're still going to dream of a three-eyed crow and Jaime Lannister breaking your legs. If someone got me a featherbed I would just thank them.

you know you're having a warg dream when the anti-semitic three-eyed crow pops in for a how are you
This episode felt so empty, it felt like they were just riding on the solid wave of not having Catherine Stark on the show whining about how she's a bad mother. It's just unrealistic: have you ever once heard a rich woman admit to being a bad mother? It's never happened once to Dina Lohan and that means it's not going to happen at all. God I hate you Bran.

crowds of people just milling about on the off chance Margaery shows up

We did have to have another person recall the death of Ned Stark ("And Ned Stark died HO HO HO"), I mean Christ get over it, he died years ago now. There's a few things that repeat often enough on Thrones to become tiresome. For example, saying the name of the person in the next scene at the end of the current scene so the plebes can keep track of the characters. This only works when people know or care who Theon Greyjoy is.

Trying to make the house mottoes happen is even lamer, I mean just run it on a crawl: "...CNN is reporting the words of Riverrun are 'suck on a squegee'..." "Winter is coming" makes no fucking sense, it's certainly not coming when you're in it and according to the temperature it already came. Please stop saying this.

this woman is a hero and a thinspiration

You have to put your tragedies squarely behind you. At least Arya has totally forgotten her dad's death, she's still crying about some dude named Micah. Look, your white dog did attack Joffrey, and for that honestly it deserved to die. This is how it was meant to happen. If Joffrey had been killed, we would not be experiencing the absolute heaven that is his pending nuptials with Margaery Tyrell. Cersei's face during this was absolutely priceless.

emmy for best look of mingled hope & utter desperation
You'll notice GRRM routinely kills off or maims his gay characters; I believe the guy who wrote Nip/Tuck has a similar problem. Renly is long gone (killed by a shadow/ manifestation of his secret life), the sorcerer that cut off Vary's parts is alive but near death, Hot Pie is fat and alone, and Loras is getting absolutely shit on by Grandma Tyrell and possibly forced to marry a ginger.

"wait a second here Marge, YOU WANT TO BE BEST FRIENDS?!??!"
Then again, reports are out that Daenerys has been fingerbanging her translator. I mean what is the point of having a translator when you can speak a bunch of languages you presumably learned sometime before your brother sold you into slavery. I really don't buy that she speaks Valyrian, I've never seen a Rosetta Stone course for that.

what command of the language my queen

Slavery is the least controversial of issues; for that reason, making someone an enemy of it is the basest assault on their calling we can imagine. It says nothing of us that we are willing to be merciful; it is the least we should be.

It is the way of civilization to offer a respite, a corrective to anarchy. Justice is a fiction invented by the revengeancist, it reflects the weakness of a mind that has no motivation within it, like the castrated spymaster of King's Landing, Varys. He too speaks from a moral view that says he is the victim whose sacrifice brought about a god, and once you have seen something immortal, it is very easy to imagine you cannot die as well.

talking bad about your menfolk is the new giving sansa stark lemon cakes smh

I think I just lapsed into Varys-speak for a second there. Varys received a special UPS delivery. He had to wait the entire weekend to get it and it was just sitting at the edge of the narrow sea all that time, so frustrating. I think there were like 60 adverbs in the scene between Varys and Grandma Tyrell. Would I be totally shocked if Grandma Tyrell and Craster were portrayed by the same actor, no I would not.

was I the only one expecting a talking testicle named Samwise?

Imprisoning the sorcerer who burned your testicles seems only fair, but if you really want to punish him, let Joffrey become his friend. Good god, that boy is like this one girl I dated in high school who always made a point of telling me everything she knew about butterflies/The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

"only I can imprison you kingslayer"
It was actually poor timing to make amputation the centerpiece of Jaime Lannister's existence. Plus they made him seem so sad about it. I get that it was the sword hand, but having your already mutilated hand sworded off by Roose Bolton is a pretty minor inconvenience. It's not like he has to attract a woman; he is already in a pretty major LTR with his sister. Once on a safari the locals honored me by giving me a necklace with a lion cub on it. Not only was I impressed, but it made me feel safer.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here.