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The Central Question

by DICK CHENEY

Breaking Bad
creator Vince Gilligan

The campaign is a long and difficult one. All day I marched for Syrian independence, afterwards I entertained some rebels in my suite. I asked them whether they had seen Breaking Bad and they were like, yes we saw it. "Jesse," they moaned, and shook their heads.

guess those threats of backup were kinda just threats hey there hank

Militants do not understand Jesse's sensitive personality, although they did like it when he bought his parents' house at a discount. I feel kind of bad for Jesse sometimes, but then I don't because I know he's a horrible friend. He has been sent to a hell of his imagining, and he will awaken in his own tomb.

Hank was also getting kind of annoying, maybe it was all that fatalistic talk. "He already made up his mind ten minutes ago" wah wah go cry about it in your garage with one of your homemade beers. I really thought those twin assassins were going to get him, so everything after that was kind of like a gift. (Gomez was known as a worthless emoji and I think we're all happy to see him go.)

wow Sky the cops will never catch on with that kind of subterfuge go back to the car wash please

The highlight of this classic episode was Walt's in-character conversation with his wife. I'm surprised she didn't burst out laughing; I'm even more surprised she didn't ask him for the twentieth time where Hank is. If I ever told you how many babies I'd left at fire stations.

I'm not sure Hank was the best DEA agent; his brother-in-law was like a crime overlord and he only figured this out a few weeks ago. He should have killed himself in shame the second he found out. Two gifts.

why don't you go and start a fundraising website Walt Jr, it's the only thing you're good for

It was hard to watch Walt get dominated again, humbled by an exterior cancer to his life instead of the tumor to which he had become so accustomed. Figure he wants some revenge and maybe his $69 million back.

It's too bad he killed Mike by accident, they would be perfect as a travelling duo of killers. But yeah Mike was kind of annoying also... and perhaps Walt's son has gotten a bit too much on his high horse, so we'll monitor that. It's easy to look down on people when you can prop yourself up on crutches.

your therapist was kind of cute, is he single?

Now the nazis can come for Marie, I guess this is still more punishment for her shoplifting. It was nice to see Marie's smugness go unrewarded. If you shoplift, a lot of bad things can end up happening to you, ask Winona Ryder.

I've never heard of so many people doing so many bad things as on television, except when Bob Newhart called in a bomb threat to the Mall of America on that very special Newhart. Ninety percent of men on television are murderers.

That's what you get for stereotyping a handsome bald man waiting for his daughter in a park when you were the real bad guy, guy

I believe in my heart that most people want to do good things, and don't operate by harming others. When he begged for Hank's life, Walt did not say that he would cook for his swastika-laden pals. He did not mind offering his money for his brother-in-law's life, but he would not bargain his time. Smart.

Breaking Bad has always had the best makeup in the business, and Jesse's shattered face is no exception. The moment of revenge Walt took with Jesse was a little mean-spirited. Yes, Jesse's girlfriend at the time was a tremendous pain in the ass who subsequently went on to sink two other shows, Gravity and Don't Trust the B in Apt 23. She was also a terribly underskilled heroin addict. Still, I would have liked to see what Gus Fring would have done to her. Sometimes WW is just too merciful for my tastes.

letting a baby get to you Walt, come on now

Now to the central question — who does Walt plan to poison with the ricin? I guess he's going to try to save Jesse now as a last redemptive act. My advice to him is gleaned from around two hours of watching Boardwalk Empire — never get in a hotel room or car with anyone, especially if the anyone in question is satiating your wife, especially if he is named Sweeth Tooth. If that doesn't work, next week Boardwalk Empire plans to debut a cannibalism storyline involving Gretchen Mol's ankle.

My prediction for Breaking Bad's ending is that Walt has to re-ally himself with Lydia, and become her secret cook in the Swiss Alps. Hopefully Skyler will allow some basic visitation via ski-lift.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location and the former vice president of the United States of America. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here. He last wrote in these pages about Twin Peaks.

can't look at his face without imagining him setting an asian radio station on fire

"Cream of Gold" - Pavement (mp3)

"Ann Don't Cry" - Pavement (mp3)

a scene from John Carter if I'm not mistaken