« In Which We Romance A Eunuch Of Our Very Own »

Mad at Ya

by DICK CHENEY

You know what's super kewt about a Wildling army on the march? They have their own hotelier, the best in the business. Every day you wake up in the Wildling army you have a copy of USA Today at your door, and housekeeping never arrives until you're ready to leave your tent. There's a lot of women in the Wildling army, so you can also be assured of a hot cuddle and perhaps some spelunking in the caves beyond the wall. Game of Thrones always makes me think of how I don't want to ever forget the good times in my life, like when that eunuch who looks like Barack Obama tried to masturbate in the river with his stump.

Couldn't we rule like a nicer place you guys? I hear Mereen has tons of adorable slaves.

Cutting off my balls wouldn't really do much. I keep a spare reserve of sperm in my cheek where a squirrel hides his food for the winter, and there is a second prostate at the base of my neck as well. (What other people call "morning wood" I call an idea.)

Daenerys' obnoxious aide harassing Grey Worm about how much of his dick was left was not her finest moment. She should probably just translate Dany's words into High Valyrian and leave it at that. Instead she was like, "Grey Worm. That name means penis...but what percentage exactly?"

"Roose, your new name is Schenectady Bergsdorf. You will rule the land of Juicy Juice. Now get on your knees."

Given the failings of public education in America we can only depend on constant Thronesing to educate our young ones.  We will repeatedly show them the scene with all those whores. Which scene? There's pretty much one in every episode, so I will leave it up to Lynne. Now that she has seen how castrating Theon Greyjoy is improving him in every way, she wants to do it to our border collie Drachma. I said no, but tbh it wasn't a firm no.

Catelyn Stark's new fashion line is all the rage in Riverrun. It's like she always said: before you go out everyday, remove one accessory, as long as it's not your diaphragm or direwolf. I'll get my coat.

It is impossible to not start to sympathize with the people who try to do positive things without relying entirely on their family name. I have to admit that Sansa's adorable new outfit engendered roughly the same feelings inside me that it stirred in Littlefinger, although this new Shailene Woodley habit she has of talking out of the corner of her mouth sort of makes me wish she had also gone out the Moon Door. Littlefinger amazingly plotted the perfect murder of the King of the Seven Kingdoms but accidentally left a witness to a super casual murder? Just no.

This was roughly the same look Ted Kennedy gave the girl in his car

Sansa's disturbing confession reminded me of the time Donald Rumsfeld weepily confessed to pulling an enemy combatant's heart out of his chest with his bare hands. He then hugged Condi Rice and stared at me like I was next. It was unnerving.

"My lady, wtf happened to your neck? Brb watching Season 1 for a comparison video. We will recast your role if you do not meet our demands. Goodbye."

Apparently from the map of Thronesland Jorah displayed in his cute little outdoor office, Mereen and King's Landing are separated by what appears to be a day's journey. What I don't understand is how he plans to navigate it entirely on horseback.

Yes, Sir Jorah Mormont was unceremoniously banished to Westeros after Barristan Selmy got in his only speaking part in the entire season. It's pretty obvious they shot all Daenery's throne room scenes on the same day given that the Mother of Dragons is also the Mother of Only One Outfit. Emilia Clarke's "acting" in these scenes was roundly terrible; her idea of showing anger is showing her teeth - but that is only a shadowplay a golden retriever makes to try to frighten her enemies (or horny eunuch slaves) away.

So, every single morning after in the Pitt-Jolie bedroom basically?

So after sleeping with every male or female prost in the entire city of King's Landing, Oberyn Martell turned out to be a loving brother and husband. Or was that his sister? I couldn't tell from the way they kissed, which is the way Littlefinger kissed Sansa and the way Ned Stark kissed his mother, Catelyn Stark. Kisses are very confusing in general; I was once kissed by Sarah Palin and I wandered around in a fugue state for days. I think she secretes LSD from her hidden cheek pouch: it would explain a lot.

Is the bug one of Varys' spies? Thinking ahead here.

In general this episode did a great job of making the exciting things boring and the boring things exciting, like when Tyrion touched a bug. (I guess metaphorically he was the bug? The lighting was so dim in his cell I struggled to care about what he was saying, but I sensed it may have been important. For example, could an antidote in the bug restore White Walkers to the humans they were before? Thinking out loud here.)

The battle itself was also a bit anti-climatic. Benioff, Weiss and director Alex Meyer eschewed using music to build the tension, preferring to focus on Tywin and Cersei's reaction to these events. It all came off a bit cold, like maybe the seven gods really were against Tyrion? I guess what I'm saying is that he deserves to die and I hope he burns in hell.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He last wrote in these pages about the second season of House of Cards. You can view an archive of his Thrones reviews here.

"All In My Mind" - James (mp3)

"Quicken the Dead" - James (mp3)