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Friends of Color

by DICK CHENEY

The Walking Dead
creator Frank Darabont

No one on AMC's The Walking Dead has ever heard of explosives. If they had that Muslim kid from Texas, he probably could have whipped something up to destroy the massive zombie collective the cast discovered in last night's season premiere, but they don't. They just have really intimate, but friendship-level relationships between white guys and black guys, with a desiccated old Jewish woman (Tovah Feldshuh) chiming in with her catchphrase, "Rick's right."

Half of last night's premiere of The Walking Dead was in black and white, for two reasons. The first is that they didn't trust their audience to realize which parts of the show were flashbacks. The second was for that art-house feel, which did not come across in any of the actual misogynistic content. There was one scene between two women in the premiere, but it was mostly them talking about other men, in this case the Asian pizza boy Glenn (Steven Yeun).

I could have done another Quantico review, but I'm pretty sure the Indian woman did it.

Deanna's husband was one of the most interesting characters of last season, so of course they killed him off in the finale. Rick (Andrew Lincoln) subsequently shot the man who murdered the town architect. At the same time Rick's bosom buddy Morgan (Lennie James) arrived. James is the best actor on The Walking Dead, although he is mostly given lines like, "I know you, Rick!" and grunts/knowing looks.

Lincoln himself has abandoned the slow-talking PTSD phase of the Rick Grimes character when he was acting like Dan Stevens in The Guest. Did you see The Guest? It was about the guy in Downton Abbey murdering an entire town's worth of people. The sheer amount of narrative dissonance gave me an erection that sustained me and Lynne for months.

Good plan, Ethan, go back to sponging off Tom Hanks for the rest of your career.  No such luck here. Carter (Ethan Embry) emerges as the man constantly questioning Rick's authority. Given that the last man who did that was escorted to a grave somewhat south of the camp, he is probably the bravest individual on the show. Rick and Morgan drive a ways to bury the body of the malcontent, where they find a gigantic crater some enterprising individuals created to house the dead.

He's probably going to shoot you in the head at some point in your fifties, Keira.  I was rewatching Love Actually for the eightieth time last week. They should have put a black censor bar over Keira Knightley's teeth they were so bad. And Hugh Grant fucked his secretary for some reason. Lincoln's character in is love with Knightley, although she is married to his best friend. She sees in the wedding video he made that he does love her. Lincoln does all the same mannerisms — the head shake, the downward look, that he would make famous as Rick Grimes. He's pretty mediocre as a performer, but I have to say he has a flawless American accent.

British performers have abrogated the roles that rightfully belonged to red blooded Americans like Matthew Fox and Sam Waterston. The assimilation is real — now no casting director will want these fellows to do their spicy British accents. Americans are a lot more of afraid of pretending to be British — only Gwyneth Paltrow was fully prepared to risk in it Sliding Doors, and that was an amazing disaster.

Your reluctance to grab your ankles for the man who saved you from your abusive husband strikes me as a massive character flaw, woman.  The Walking Dead requires romance, but there really isn't any this season. Rick's blonde love interest shut him down: she was not entirely sympathetic to him killing her husband. It would be nice if Michonne (Danai Gurira) could find love, possibly with Carl Grimes, who was nowhere to be found now that his Dad's best friend is on the scene.

Do not startle me from behind with your child, Rick. I know you.

At the end of this dull mess of an episode, a massive horn sounded to foil Rick's foolproof plan of leading the walkers...somewhere. I didn't really understand the plan, or any plan that doesn't involve bombing Fallujah. The deus ex hornchina is not much of a cliffhanger, but what the hell. They had to get out of that boring town at some point anywhere, even though my fantasy of being dominated by a sensible Jewish woman in her sixties is now dead.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

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