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The One True King

by DICK CHENEY

I really feel for King Tommen. He's sitting in his breakfast nook, waiting to dig into an adorable plate of corn and eggs, when his wife comes in to complain about her homosexual relative's detention. These are the kinds of everyday problems I am forced to fix, but I do not like to talk when I am eating.

There's a lot of issues with our country that need to be solved right now. A major city is self-destructing in front of our eyes, and the president is like, "Yeah, I'm not going over there." Cersei Lannister would send an expeditionary force to start another, more cohesive riot to overwhelm the first one.

Why didn't they just sail to Mereen to begin with? Nevermind.

Freddie Gray is the only the latest person to die in police custody. This has happened for thousands of years and it will probably happen again. It doesn't matter the reason for the expected disorder - keeping the peace is the only reasonable job of the government. Leaders are more motivated by personal considerations: "Do you have any affection for me at all?" Margaery whines.

Barbara Bush never wore a wig, and I give her a lot of credit for that.
Between your wife, your mother and your city is a tough place to be. Barack's mother lives in the White House. George W. Bush would sometimes get calls from his mom and Laura at the same time. Guess which one he took?

That was a trick question; he took whichever one I fucking told him to.

Of all the men to expose your breasts to... Samwell was right there, and he has been definitively friendzoned by Gilly.

Thrones is only a reflection of America, a satire becoming more prescient every time that Jon Snow refuses to have sex with someone. At other times in our history a religious revival has swept through the people. Unabashed belief is the only thing that can truly change a nation. The Gods of Westeros are as dead as the old dragons.

The Sand Snakes of Dorne really need to hit Talbot's for some new outfits. Yikes.

Watching Stannis Baratheon get all soft about his daughter being poisoned with greyscale just reminds me of how much the temperament of a leader affects his followers. We require a true believer, not some tongue-in-cheek professor who tweets about watching Veep. We need a leader who can focus people on the world beyond the world.

Perhaps it is a bit early to be laying down my endorsement, but the most important thing we can have right now is a person who takes this country as seriously as I don't. You can send Rand Paul and Martin O'Malley to the ruins of Valyria for all I care. The one true king is Littlefinger.

You just need to find the boy who loves greyscale, e.g. Bran. He can probably cure it in fact.

That guy looked so cute in the sept. This is a man who still lives in the past. He never forgets what happened to him. He's tiny, but very rich. He has all the straight goss about Lyanna Stark and Aerys Targaryen. He alone can greenlight the Thrones prequel series where we can watch Ned Stark fall in love with the saucy mother of Jon Snow all over again.

I honestly don't know why Littlefinger is being friendly to Sansa. (I became fully aroused when he told her, "You've learned to maneuver from the very best.") He's mentoring her before his return to King's Landing in a most affecting way. Littlefinger's plan is exciting, but I have serious concerns that the coming pairing of Jon Snow and Sansa will lead to them reflecting on the good old days where Robb hazed Bran by forcing him to masturbate Hodor to orgasm.

So many regrets. I wonder who will play you in the prequel, maybe Harry Styles?

A society that kills off its oldest and weakest members is not one that I want to be a part of. Unless that includes Bran. That guy gets to draw a paycheck for an entire season and he doesn't even have to have a crow dream once. Fuck Bran.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

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