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General Mopeybrr Is Still Kewld

by DICK CHENEY

My hope that Jon Snow was going to die in his quest for obsidian was in vain. During the white walker attack, Jon — like any leader — spent the majority of the battle soulfully looking into the eyes of his opposing number. This was a tactic Robert E. Lee popularized at the Battle of Gettysburg until Ulysses S. Grant sent him a note informing him the staring made things a wee bit uncomfortable.

I can't help but think of all the time that Jon could have been saving that lovely woman's children instead of locking eyes with his counterpart. Jon's naivete is only eclipsed by the stupidity of the wildlings. They have a giant and uniforms (??) but they don't put scouts anywhere further than a few feet outside their camp?

Lieutenant Janice Winterbottom just shattered into a million pieces. Poor guy.

More impressive was how Torvald went from Jon's fiercest enemy to his absolute best friend in what seemed like mere seconds. The suggestions of homosexuality perpetuated by a now-deceased wildling leader may have just been a bit too on the nose. (King Crow also seems like a slur to me.) We still have a long way to go in accepting a strong gay hero, although I guess there was Top Gun.

As exciting as the white walker attack was, I don't understand why everyone didn't just move into the shallow water. It seems like water is a lot easier to find than dragonglass, so I suggest they arm the men of the Night's Watch with rompers and super soakers. It is a little dull to watch an enemy that is basically a zombie horde, so I enjoyed the debut of the white walker general, who I have named General Mopeybrr Coldpenis D.M.D. He reminds me of Olaf during contract negotiations on Frozen 2: Still Kewld.

Senator Coldpenis, I presume?

It was a little disappointing to watch the show create a great female character and then murder her one episode, but I guess they felt it might overshadow Sansa's weekly sexual assault. They don't even show it anymore, and somehow a scene depicting Tommen's hunger strike or Kevan Lannister refusing Cersei did not make it to air.

I liked that guy! He bought four oysters, and they were delicious!

These important developments had to be shunted to an offscreen role because we had to hear what Tyrion and the Dragon Queen finally would say to each other. The conversation went something like this:

DT: What do you think I should do with this orangutan?

TL: A queen that kills monkeys is not a queen that inspires the devotion of monkeys.

DT: Perhaps. What do you think I should do with this quiche?

"When I killed my father I had the briefest flatuence. I will tell you all about it over a cornish hen."

TL: For that answer, I'll need a 1996 Cabernet.

DL: You look cute, but you sure talk a lot about how you murdered your parents.

TL: Perhaps.

DL: Why did they cancel Mindy Kaling's show?

TL: She asked for too much money.

Dany's somewhat anti-climactic line about how she is going to break the wheel aside, her vision of restoring economical equality to Westeros was very noble. She's like the William Jennings Bryan of the Narrow Sea. She even looks like him!

Hopefully Tyrion is only the first member of the Dragon Queen's small council. Varys will swish his way onto the scene at some point, and what about that particularly introspective prostitute from season two? You don't think Tyrion suddenly became celibate now that the women of Mereen are open to his particular advances, do you? If they abandon Tyrion's chance at a real romantic relationship, I will never forgive GRRM.

Good thing Jon Snow got on that last boat. What would we do without his Jennifer Aniston haircut and pathetic simpering?

But seriously, I hope this is the last we see of the land beyond the wall. Mance Rayder was super annoying and old, and the rest of the wildings weren't much better. They only have one giant, and the exteriors were simply depressing.

Still, I am forced to admit that last night's episode was absolutely fantastic compared to the mess of the season it has been so far. I didn't even mind so much when Samwell Tarly was turning Gilly's near death into something that happened to him, or letting her heal the scrape on his face when it's been like, two weeks.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

Oh Jesus is he four?

"Birds of Films" - Sun Kil Moon (mp3)

"With A Sort of Grace I Walked To The Bathroom To Cry" - Sun Kil Moon (mp3)