In Which We Hand The Bite That Fed Us

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

I have an old friend named Carina who I have stuck with through thick and thin. Carina's been through some tough times in her life and I'm really proud of the person she has become.

With that said, I feel like recently Carina has been making some decisions I find concerning. She has met a guy and within a few months she feel like they are going to be together for the rest of their lives. I haven't even met him yet but I know that if I don't support her she is going to be crushed. They are already living together.

How should I handle this?

Jamie I.

Dear Jamie,

Some people don't mind when those they care about make mistakes, because they recognize that every one of us is capable of making one. It's not like I have never heard of two people who knew they wanted to be together really quickly working out; it is just that this kind of arrangement has an absolutely terrible success rate.

At some point, it is key to determine which you value more — Carina's continued friendship, which will presumably exist regardless of how deep down the rabbit hole she goes, or doing what you feel is right. We can't protect those we love completely, so say what you feel and drop it after that. This gives you the best chance of preserving your feelings for this woman.

Hi,

The amount of time my girlfriend Harper spends with her friends is truly astonishing. It is like she is in a cult — they plan constant outings, talk on the phone every night, and their world revolves around each other. I have never quite seen anything like this. On some level I am probably jealous of Harper paying attention to other people besides me. It isn't really the time it takes away from our relationship that is the issue, but maybe I'm just sick of these other relationships? What can I do about this, if anything? I love Harper and the feeling is mutual.

Brent D.

Dear Brent,

Wanting to change the people we love is the only valid use of the slippery slope argument. If you want to spend more time with your girlfriend, do it. She likely will not say no. If it conflicts with the attention that she pays to her friends, complain. But a general band-aid on this situation is not impossible without destroying your relationship. The only thing you can do is slowly arc her towards you over time by offering superior experiences. People do not have just one life.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We String Them Along For Years

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

I have had a long-time platonic friendship with a guy I will call Bernard. When we met we were both in relationships with other people and we supported each other and gave advice. Over Christmas Bernard informed me that he has feelings for me.

I don't want to lose Bernard as a friend and although I am not technically in a relationship right now, I may be soon and I want it see where it goes.

What can I say to Bernard without losing his friendship?

Kayla I.

Dear Kayla,

If you really reciprocated Bernard's feelings, you would be open to what he is bringing up. The fact that you are looking for a way out indicates that this move failed miserably from Bernard's perspective. He probably had this in mind from the moment he met you. He waited for you to become single and he prayed you had not put him in the friendzone. 

Bernard played his cards absolutely wrong, and he will suffer for his choice from a jury of his peers. If you really want to keep this guy hanging on, you will have to lie. Tell him that you're confused about what you feel and make sure he knows that you're involved with someone else right now but you don't know what is going to happen. He will cling to these vague promises of hope and you will be able to control him for upwards of another year. If he presses you on what you're feeling, explain that the timing is wrong. With this meager validation, he will probably be subdued off for a period. 

Keeping him around long term will be more difficult. You will have to back him off a bit by claiming your new boyfriend knows there has been feelings between you two. After this distance occurs, he will be overjoyed to be brought back into the fold as a friend, since the alternative has been made perfectly clear: he was almost dismissed from your life entirely. 

See what kind of interest he would have in potentially picking up your dry cleaning.

Hi,

Since I was dumped by my girlfriend over Thanksgiving, I have tried to launch myself back into the world of online dating. The women I meet seem really flighty and it is clear they have many options. It's most important to me to find a genuine, loyal human being who I can spend the rest of my life with. We'll grow into old age with one another, travel around the world and enjoy each other's company. Are there better places to meet someone new than this disgusting online situation?

Trent S.

Dear Trent,

Despite your proclamations that all you want is something serious with the right person, I am sure you are not open to this with every woman you meet. For a relationship to work, both parties have to believe that they are the lucky ones: in other words, that each has selected a fantastic partner that they are lucky to be with. 

In order for you to receive that feeling from someone else, she cannot be too interested: otherwise it would be clear that she is the lucky one and you are just a good thing happening to someone else. Men who believe women are inattentive to their positive qualities are usually very judgmental about the same qualities when looking for someone else. You're not going to find a replica of your last relationship, at least not right away, and the fact that you haven't taken any time for yourself indicates you are probably not ready for what you say you desire.

It really doesn't matter where you meet someone you love.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Come Back From The Dead Partly Alive

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

An ex-boyfriend of mine who I will call Eamon recently became single after a relationship he was in that lasted just over a year. I still think about Eamon a lot but my girlfriends have encouraged me to put the past behind me and suggested that if I approach him now, he will just be on the rebound.

The reason Eamon and I broke up in the first place was mainly due to fighting. I was far less mature and I think I could communicate a lot better now after a couple of years in therapy.

Is there any good way to handle this or should I just forget about it?

Priya D.

Dear Priya,

Forcing a man backwards is a tricky situation, so it's a good thing you asked us about this before doing something stupid like messaging him on facebook and saying, "I see u not w/ur gurl anymore, sup?" That would have been tragic for so many reasons.

The best course of action you can possibly pursue here is to get Eamon involved in your life for some peripheral reason. You need his "help" with something. Depending on what his job is, there is no end to the kind of fake advice you can fake solicit from a man. After he "helps" you, thank him profusely and promise him dinner or a nice bottle of wine or something. He will get the hint after that if he is interested. It will give you a chance to suss out his feelings as well.

There is no such thing as a rebound relationship; only a woman insufficiently interesting to demand real commitment.

Hi,

Is there any way to permanently change the destructive behavior of someone you love?

I really want to spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, who I will call Marjorie. But when I think about the next forty or so years of my life spent with her being ten minutes to a half an hour late every time we plan to meet, I want to throw myself off the Empire State building. I realize the problem may be partly in myself as well. Even when I try to show up the same amount of late so that we will arrive somewhere at the same time, I inevitably am there substantially before her arrival.

If I could fix this one thing, everything would be perfect, I swear.

Marc J.

Dear Marc,

Can you train a person as if they were a dog? Absolutely: but a dog will never resent you for the instruction, she will just give you soft kisses and ask for a treat. It is more likely that a human being might cock their head askew and ask what is so wrong it should be fixed in such a fashion.

As with any bad behavior, it is better to catch this early. If you are not there a half hour after you said you would be, Marjorie would never have learned it is OK to be this late with someone.

You should probably find out if she does this with other people or if it is just you whose time she has no respect for.

Now that the behavior is so thoroughly ingrained, she is never going to change it consciously. You can try no-showing a few times and see where it gets you. When she asks you where you went, just say that you figured she forgot and went home. Or you decided to do something else. She won't get upset — how can she? It is so obvious that this is all her fault, for being ten minutes late.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.