In Which We Solve Many Problems Through Tears

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

I have been dating my girlfriend Lydia for over a year. My apartment was damaged by a fire in a neighboring domicile less than three months ago, so I moved in with Lydia. Things have been going great, but recently she has been alluding to the idea that I won't be moving out.

Living together is a new experience for me, and it is hard sometimes to be around someone so much, even someone you love. We have different interests and it has been difficult making time for some of mine since moving in.

Since it wasn't feasible to secure a new place until I received money from my insurance company, I held off. But I do intend to move out and recently secured a room in a multiperson apartment until I can purchase or rent my own place. What is the best way to break this news to my girlfriend?

Taylor R.

Dear Taylor,

You know that rap song where it's like, "Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn"? That should have been you.

There are a few problems with the path you have chosen. The first is that you did not make your situation clear to Lydia before moving in. You should have done that in writing, and if possible through some kind of henna. The second is that you are looking for a way to not be honest with her. Crying can solve a lot of problems that reasoned discourse can never approach in its particulars.

Who am I kidding? They call HTS the House of Sweet Lies for a reason. The best way to get out of this is if her building doesn't allow pets. If they don't, you can claim an animal has been forced on you. Choose an exceptionally short-lived creature, e.g. a housefly or a pigeon.

Unfortunately a lot of buildings allow pets, which moves our situation to Plan B, which I call the Godfather plan. Someone made you an opportunity you couldn't refuse, and you had to take that apartment. Possibilities include an amazingly cheap apartment, or that your new roommate is a friend who needs you there or (s)he will slit her wrists.

If you can't think of a compelling reason, suddenly explain that you have been doing some thinking and there is evidence to suggest that people have better relationships when they don't live together before marriage. Lydia's eyes will light up at the thought of a long term committment with the plan who is currently plotting a way to spend less time with her.

Hi,

My boyfriend Davis served a short prison term from 2011-2012. He was incarcerated because of a drunk driving incident where he harmed another driver.

Davis and I have been talking about possibly getting engaged in the next year. My question is whether you think I should mention any of this to my family before or after the engagement/wedding?

Mallie R.

Dear Mallie,

It is impossible to keep such a thing a secret if you are going to include Davis as part of your family. It is going to come out at some point, e.g. when his prison buddies show up to take you hostage demanding liters of your blood or Jim Beam.

The key is to present this information to your family in the correct way. That correct way includes while Davis is performing some relevant community service, like ladling out soup at a kitchen, counseling young individuals on the error of his ways, or cunnilingus. Let your family know that Davis is a changed man. I assume he gives speeches for a modest rate as a part of his rehabilitation? OK, see ya.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Are Between The World And Something Else

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

My family really wants me to meet a Jewish guy. A part of me wants to make them happy, but another part of me doesn’t want to restrict my pool of potential partners in that fashion. I know if I introduce my current boyfriend to my parents that they will freak out and the prospect of dealing with that exhausts me. Is there any way out of this situation or should I just accept I’ll be happier with someone my parents will accept?

Hanna P.

Dear Hanna,

You seem to subtly be suggesting that your parents are racist. This is a serious charge, one that you will want to assemble as much evidence on as possible. What was your parents’ reaction to the murder of Eric Garner? Do they like hip hop music, especially Chance the Rapper, or do they find his approach slight and substanceless in comparison to more prescient cultural critics in the African-American community? Do they own a copy of Between the World and Me and do they keep it in a place of prominence in their home?

Once you have the answers to these crucial questions, it is time to move onto a set of peripheral questions revolving around your parents’ reaction to other stimuli, including Call Me By Your Name and the innovative fiction of Clarice Lispector. You will have never gotten to know your parents so deeply: their inner desires, their total net worth, and their desire for the phallus in your life to be either circumsized or a reasonable facsimile of the same.

You should be with whoever you want. If your parents can’t accept it, explain to them using the theoretical context of Husserl and Deleuze why they should. Anyone can be convinced of anything over a long enough timeline. You may experience frustration at first, but if you can get your parents to actually engage and see the positive aspects of your boyfriend’s personality and physical attractiveness, you will probably be OK.

Also, are they aware that gentiles can convert? Sure, a Christian can never truly become a Jew for the main reason of why would they want to, but they can pretend, and pretenses are clearly hugely important to your parents. The concept of preserving any genetic purity is a disturbing one. Harp on this a lot.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

In Which We Trust The Bear But Not The Lion

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

In past relationships I have trusted people and gotten hurt. As a result, I have been told that I suspect very quickly and jump to conclusions if it seems like I am being lied to. In my current relationship, I do trust my boyfriend overall, but I would still like to take precautions so that I know what he is doing, and who he is doing it with. At the same time he has commented, not overly negatively, that it feels like I am controlling. I don’t want to ruin this, but at the same time I don’t want to be hurt. Is it OK for me to check up at times?

Ilana L.

Dear Ilana,

I mean I would like to say yes, but the real answer is not really. The person a man checks in to report his whereabouts is his mother, not his girlfriend. Such induced behavior encourages deception and untruths, the exact situations you claim to want to avoid. If you’re really worried about this sort of thing, another approach is required. Every so often, “confess” something innocuous. You will be forgiven, and he will ask himself why he does not do the same. If he never confesses, this is cause for suspicion. If he tells you similarly innocuous things, he is probably a decent person.

If you suspect further, then be open with your doubts. But don’t requisition trouble, for it will surely arrive..

Hi,

My boyfriend Haber is a great dad to a three year old. I don’t mind that he has a child and our relationship is wonderful. My question is, I have been extremely reluctant to critique his parenting in any way, since I am not a mother. But if I see him doing something with his son that I disagree with, is it all right to tell him and how should I couch the criticism?

Kelly C. 

Dear Kelly,

Sure. He signed up for this by dating you. How long could he conceivably avoid having his parenting style critiqued by the woman in his life? Criticize him constantly, and let your observations be incredibly detailed, and accompanied by pejoratives such as “dummy” and “quote unquote Dad.” This will end well.

I recommend a subtler approach, one that involves highlighting passages in parenting books and leaving webpages up on his computer.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.