In Which We Forget An Important Ingredient

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

My friend Davia broke up with her last boyfriend over two years ago. (He cheated on her with prostitutes.) Since then, she has compared every new possible mate with him, and usually found the new prospect unfavorable. She finds the littlest things to fixate on in order to dismiss me — they don't text her enough, they text her too much, they use emojis, she doesn't like their smell (ok that's possibly valid). Often she says she they don't share the same values, although I am a loss as to what that means since Davia doesn't seem to have extraordinary values, and I say that as a friend. She is a good person though, and I want her to find happiness. Is there any way I can snap her out of this funk?

Ellen C.

Ellen,

Often men and women will think of reasons to reject potential mates that don't necessarily strike at the core of why they are not pursuing the relationship. The fact that it has been two years of this on Davia's part, however, indicates a greater problem. It is not simply that she is not finding anyone that she likes well enough to get serious, it is that she is in no position to have a committed relationship with someone to begin with.

For some people, cheating is a deeply troubling act that strikes at the core of how they value themselves and the opposite sex. This might come across as sexist, but I'm going to say it anyway. The reasons men cheat are sometimes, but not always, different from the reasons women cheat. I tend to have more sympathy for women who cheat on their partners. Maybe this is fucking stupid, but it's what I feel inside.

If this guy was really stepping out just for sex, maybe Davia has some problems thinking she is decent in the bedroom. You can alleviate some of her concerns for her. Ask what her particular techniques are. What school of sex did she study at? Does she know all the most sensitive and erogenous zones on a man's body? What about a woman's body? Getting over whatever hangup is holding her back should end the nitpicking.

Hi,

I have been trying without success to meet people on various online sites. I think I'm an attractive guy, but I tend to stumble when I'm introducing myself and who I am. I just end up saying a "hi" or a "hello I'm Evan" since I can't think of anything better. More often than not I get no response. How can I get better at initiating these troubling conversations?

Evan S.

Dear Evan,

It's not my job to tell you what specifically you should say to meet women. Maybe the type of woman you should be with is the kind who responds to a simple "Hello." She hears your cry in the dark and she reaches out for the echo of how boring you are.

Don't be discouraged by the lack of replies. The fact that you are not receiving any replies is a warning sign you need to change things up, but think of all the possible reasons a woman is not replying to your message:

- she gets a million messages

- she's not even single and likes the idea of getting messages from strange

- she forgot to delete her account

- she's deeply bored by the fact you are the seven hundreth person she has seen on top of an elephant. Like, why would we care that you rode an elephant or touched a snake? Get over yourself.

- she matched with you by accident

- she's upset with you and has chosen the silent treatment as her delicate revenge

With that said, a bare hello is never going to get the job done. When you're writing something, throw out an introduction that can't help but make her reply, and she'll reply. Comedy is usually best, so hire ghostwriters. I'm not paid enough for that.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Wait Longer Than Is Really Necessary

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

I recently met a great girl who I will call Lauren. Eventually we got around to talking about past relationships. At first she became somewhat quiet, and then explained something that was difficult for her.

She said that she was engaged to a guy named Kevin until she found out he was gay. When confronted, Kevin confessed and the wedding was called off. This was all fine if a bit unusual, but Kevin is still a big part of her life. She also shared he was not the only gay guy she has been involved with.

I don't know exactly what kind of red flag this is, but I sense that it is one. Can you parse this better than me?

Lane R.

Lane,

If this is something that happened when she was fairly young and didn't know any better, then I'd be inclined to give her a pass. It is completely reasonable to have a boyfriend who isn't demanding of you sexually if this is an area in which you are hesitant or possibly sensitive.

Imagine some guy places himself inside you and it hurts like hell. On a conscious ir subconscious level you might think about dating a gay, too.

If this episode in her life is occurred at a later point, it is likely reflective of some larger dysfunction. The fact that she still has a relationship with this person isn't the greatest sign, but maybe she just doesn't have many friends.

If you see the two of them together, you'll know quickly how much of a problem it is. If you are still concerned, then you can blow the whistle. So early on it's probably not the best to demand she cut off important people in her life she might need if and when you bail.

Hi,

Recently I was seeing a guy named Javier. Things seemed to be going well until we had sex. After that he ghosted me but very slowly, making up an entire litany of excuses before finally not responding. We waited a month before fucking and it seemed like forever. What is the best way to handle sex in the early stages of a relationship?

Kyoko E.

Dear Kyoko,

If a guy isn't interested after sex, there could be a variety of reasons for this. It is best to not fixate on any particular one. Of one thing we can be completely sure: if you had waited another two months, it is extremely doubtful the result of the relationship would be different.

It is usually not the sex so much as how it happens. If Javier was coming off a relationship, intercourse that approximates this will remind him of his past. In this case it is better to have sex spontaneously in an unfamiliar place. If he is more of a flighty kind of guy, make him express some significant emotion before getting more intimate. Many people don't know what exactly they are feeling until they articulate it.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Return The Favor Almost Constantly

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

I have never enjoyed performing oral sex due to a bad experience I had with a previous boyfriend.

It seems like a lot of guys expect this and if I'm not into it, they think I'm not into them. It's just a personal preference, but I can't seem to find a way to express my revulsion towards the act in a way that makes them feel accepted.

Can you advise?

Harley B.

Harley,

You may want to first consider the fact that people do not usually repeat experiences they do not find pleasurable. It is what entered you into this situation, and it can probably quite easily get you out of it.

Still, for some people even a bad kumquat is delicious, and we can only hope you have not met one of those.

An honest conversation, preferably one where you sob at length, is ideal for defusing this situation. If you need to make vague promises about getting comfortable and revisiting things down in the future, feel free. It sometimes takes people a substantial period of time before they learn to accept the fate life has bestowed upon them.

Hi,

Is there anyway to know if you should give up on an on-again, off-again relationship. It seems like we always find our way back to each other, but at the same time the instability is a bad sign, right?

Teresa P.

Dear Teresa,

No.

Wait, what was the question?

Yes. Instability is a terrible sign. It's just when I hear someone explaining away some defect in their relationship with a romantic notion they probably digested from a Jane Austen novel or Friends, I reflexively shout no. It is the same thing I do when someone tells me that they are really excited for Wisdom of the Crowd.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording's mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.