In Which The Works Of Anton Chekhov Spare Us From The Afternoon

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

My daughter Jessica is two years old. Recently, we've made an arrangement with another couple in the building that also has a child around the same age named Theo, e.g. he will come over to our home and vice versa on certain days. 

Theo's parents are wonderful, educated people. They are very focused on teaching him all sorts of things. A recent lesson I walked on concerned me, though, as it did not seem terribly age appropriate. Theo's mother was explaining the historical plight of the Jewish people to the kids. Maybe they can't process it at this age, anyway, but I'm not sure I want my daughter hearing about this stuff without me present. 

Am I crazy, and is it all right to say something to Theo's mother about that?

Janet S.

Janet,

Ideally you would just be near your daughter at all times to mitigate what Theo's mother is saying. "Many other minority groups faced similar discrimination!" you could crow as a kind of victory lap. I don't know what you think you are protecting your daughter from, but she lives in the world. Lots of stuff will happen to her that she can't control. I mean, who knows, in a decade she could be referred to as a member of the Trump generation. 

If you want to give her a different narrative to latch onto, consider the work of the Catholic writer Garry Wills. I believe he does a fantastic set of flash cards.

Hi,

I have been dating this guy I will call Nate for around five months. He is very difficult to make plans with and will often want to do things on the spur of the moment. I am the type of person who needs to know where I am going to be and what I am going to be doing at all times. At first it was nice to be around someone capable of spontaneity, but recently Nate and I have gotten in fights because he claims I don't make him a priority, like I should be waiting by the phone for him to call?

Is this a fundamental lack of compatibility or is there something we can do to make this work?

Ilana W.

Dear Ilana,

I think probably you just need to think of better excuses. When you tell Nate that you can't do something that he suggests, here are some foolproof ways to get out of that activity without hurting this man-boy's feelings:

- it's the mensies oops

- I have a harpischord in my hymen gland ("feel better honey")

- I'm going to see a local production of The Cherry Orchard. Would you like to come?

- I have to work on a long research project that could be a useful excuse for the next six months

- Actually, it's Uncle Vanya. Still want to come?

- I want you so much. But like, not at this time.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Celebrate Ourselves Indefinitely

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

I have been married to my wife Julia for over four years and we have a daughter together. I love her very much and although things have not always been perfect, I believed our marriage was solid. Recently my wife has been confiding various doubts she has about our relationship. Many of her problems relate to where she is in her career — she feels like having a family has hampered her ability to improve her standing in her field. (I work full-time, and she hasn't been able to do so yet, although our daughter will soon be entering school, making this more possible.)

In addition, in her current position, her co-workers are eight to ten years younger than her and she has been interacting with them a lot, leaving me at home.

I want to be supportive of Julia, but at the same time I feel like I am a very giving husband and challenges in life are just part of what's going on. I am there for her, but I don't want to feel like I am catering to a delusion, and it brings me down to hear her complaining about her life. What can I do to get her out of this funk?

Reynald C.

Reynald,

It sounds like your wife needs to meet friends of an appropriate age. Having these younger people around, who have different priorities and goals is going to put her in their mindset. I would do anything you could to get her a better job, or send her back to school. Changing her path in this area sounds key. It is easy to think you are a good husband, and I'm sure you are doing what you can to improve your wife's situation at home.

Still, counseling is a good way to make sure of this. If your wife is not in therapy, she should be. There are inexpensive, or at least more inexpensive options for mental health treatment.

Lastly, we all go through phases in life, and your wife may be in one right now. Try not to overreact to anything (or everything) she does. Operating with a certain amount of space may be the best thing for her.

Hi,

I have been dating a guy for a few months. He has said that he is very serious about our future together, and I take him at his work. I haven't clicked with someone like this for a long time, if ever.

One thing that does trouble me is that we seem to come from very different religious backgrounds, and he has made a point of saying he expects his children to be raised in his faith. (His family is Jewish.) I am more of an agnostic, but I don't know if I would be comfortable suddenly becoming religious. How should I approach this?

Amy D.

Dear Amy,

There is a large divergence in the Jewish community about exactly what being religious means to an individual. It is impossible to say what this really means: it could mean more casual observance, but the obeyance of certain rituals and traditions. It could mean that he plans to move you to Brooklyn and your family will never see you in shorts again. It is probably best to clarify his exact intentions.

Some people insist on these traditions because they want to please your family. If you are deeply against taking your life in this direction, it is not something to gloss over. There are some wonderful things about religion, but by and large fashion is not one of them.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

In Which We Consider This All New Territory

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com.

Hi,

I recently moved into an apartment with my boyfriend Edward. Neither of us have ever lived with a significant other before, and it has been challenging. I try to keep the lines of communication open, and solve problems in a respectful way.

I realized that Edward had obsessive compulsive disorder in the year we dated before moving in together, but I don't think I fully realized the extent of this illness. When he is a passenger in a car, he holds his hands up in the air to ensure he is not touching any part of the car. I think of myself as being a very clean person, and it is hard to feel like I am not living up to an unimaginable standard. Edward tries to make me feel better about it, but it is hard not to be drawn into his delusion. 

Do you have any ideas on how to deal with this or am I just in a minefield?

Rana G.

Rana,

The reason it is a good idea to live together with someone is to see how it goes. We can infer from some of the struggles you are having that it is not going well, at all. While it is all very well and good to be accepting of someone's illness, this does not change the challenge on offer. It can not just be you who is dealing with Edward's extreme behavior – he also has to be addressing it in a clinical setting, or this will never become a tolerable situation. 

You also could consider strengthening the relationship outside of the concept of cohabitation. There is no shame in admitting you made a choice you wish to undo.

Hi,

My girlfriend May recently purchased a pet on the spur of the moment. It is a cocker spaniel puppy she has named Large. I had dogs when I was a kid and I know how to care for them, and how much responsibility they require. Large is May's first pet of any kind and she is kind of clueless about how to train him or take care of him.

I did not want a dog because of the responsibility, and although he is a very cute puppy, I worry that she will grow frustrated by him, as she already has, because she cannot get him to obey her in any way. She has already begun asking me to do things for him and spend time with him. I don't mind an hour or two a week of this, but as I said, this is not my dog.

What should I do?

David S.

Dear David,

When your girlfriend gets a dog, you now have a dog. Congratulations.

If you train Large correctly, he will become obedient, but he will never truly achieve the level of obedience that you yourself will perfect in the weeks to come.

It is better to embrace your fate than stray from it. Large is now the most important thing in your life, perhaps even more important than yourself. Since you say you know how to make him a good dog, make him a good dog.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.