In Which We Try To Penetrate The Mystery That Is Me

Love Is The Death Of Beauty

by DICK CHENEY

We look at death from the selfish side, like, "That guy died. Oh, it's so sad." Why is it sad? He's away from all of this bad stuff that's here on Earth. I mean, at the worst, he's just somewhere quiet, no nothing. At best, he's an angel... or he's a spirit somewhere. What is so bad about that?

- Tupac Shakur

Apparently my last Game of Thrones essai was more confusing than I intended. I received several volumes of e-mails this week, the vast majority of which were dick pics. It should have been no surprise that the active and engaged members of my audience are all shaped like question marks, although one did recall the trunk of an elephant, and it was accompanied by letter signed "Deleuze and Guattari."

there is nothing worse in life than an art semiotics major with a big D

Such is the burden of the most talented Game of Thrones recapper since Alan Sepinwall was fired from the New Jersey Star-Ledger for reviewing The Real Housewives of Atlanta in blackface. Alan's review of last night's Game of Thrones contained the sentence, "Wow." written on one line, which is third most boring writer's crutch available to internet scribes after "Read the whole thing" and "My name is Joan Walsh."

Why do I recap Game of Thrones in my inimitable style while Alan Sepinwall insists on running retro-reviews of Deadwood because he's being blackmailed by Ian McShane? Why isn't my favorite website for women started by my favorite bloggeur called Aloha Giggles or Au Revoir Giggles? Why does my sun and stars insist on concluding every evening by watching three episodes of The Closer and then expressing her queries as to why Kyra Sedgwick would marry Kevin Bacon? It's because only I can answer the hard questions.

Where can I find a replica of Jon Snow's sword, Longclaw? Please ensure that my copy of Longclaw is accompanied by a signed certificate bearing the signature of George R.R. Martin.

Look no further! The sword that should have been wielded by Sir Jorah Mormont in his ancestral home of Bear Island can now be yours! Longclaw is available for a cool $240, and for an extra $20, I'll send you a podcast of myself saying, "Are you Lord Stark's bastard?" in an arch tone approximately 240 times. For an extra $20,000, I'll dress up like Ygritte and let you splash horse blood on my face.

Hypothetically, if I were to decide to use Longclaw to avenge myself on someone, who would suit the job?

Jon Snow's trademark blade can only be used to decapitate the woman who absorbed your virginity or to stoke a fire on which you plan to sacrifice a Democratic member of the House of Representatives. When you use Longclaw, it is best to whisper, You know nothing, Jon Snow, just in case anyone is listening. The cops, for example: they'll immediately assume you're just playacting scenes from Beyond the Wall and vacate the premises.

What illness did Khal Drogo come down with? Did his wife get too hot or something?

Khal Drogo was the recipient of a double diagnosis of social anxiety and esophageal cancer. I had a blind date named Horselord once. The real origin of Khal Drogo's sickness is obviously the slaying of true inheritor of the Iron Throne, Viserys Targaryen. Spiritual malaise follows. Since there is no magic in Game of Thrones, this will have to do.

Have you noticed anything different about Daeny lately? She's really commanding the hell out of Khal Drogo's raiding party.

The newly pregnant Daenerys Targaryen now looks like something of a Horselord. A similar facial resemblance brought a premature end to the career of Carly Simon. JK, the young Khaleesi looks better than ever in the thrall of her pregnancy, and her facial expressions have become something to behold. As that Yao witch spilled horse blood all over her beloved in an attempt to save Jason Momoa, her facial countenance was a perfect primastic mix of horror, revulsion, hope and honor.

How much would a medicinal horse cost in today's dollars?

Ask a horselord.

Does a facial count if it's blood from a medicinal horse?

No.

What about if the horse had a feminine name?

Khal Drogo's horse was not named Dandelion as has been rumored for eons.

uh, guys, who's coming on me?

How do you know the name of Khal Drogo's horse?

The same way I know Joan Walsh lacks first order brain function: (1) It's fucking obvious and (2) The Wall Street Journal. Only someone that mentally ill could actually believe the Congressman's claim his account was hacked. Don't get me started on the John Edwards adviser who wrote, "Weiner has an outstanding record supporting sexual rights of others, with 100% ratings from NARAL and Planned Parenthood, and has a strong record of support for gay rights." You think associating the cause of gay rights with this adulterer is a good idea?

Wow. ® Alan Sepinwall 2011

bring a horse with a more recently update twitter account and do it NOWWhy do the creators of Game of Thrones insist on showing 40 minutes of intense conversation about the White Walkers, but they refuse to display images of little person sex or the raiding party that captured Jaime Lannister? Don't they know that action is the soul of drama?

You know the financial guys on a particular television series are the ones with the brass balls when Game of Thrones doesn't show you the abduction of Jaime Lannister. As for the casting of Tyrion's Shae, I was still holding out a vain hope that Matthew Broderick would play someone in this drama. Since the only remaining option is Stannis Baratheon, we would seem to be at an impasse.

Is Samwell Tarly a spy, and if so, who is he working for?

Four books into A Song of Ice and Fire, much still remains unknown about one Samwell Tarly. Given that fact that George R.R. Martin resembles Samwell more than any other character outside of perhaps the long-deceased Balerion the Dread, we can suspect some special agency in his movements. I'm not a great person to ask this question, though, I have made my entire career in politics on the idea that everyone is working for someone else.

What are some party games that you enjoy after a few Heinekens with the brunette January Jones and her trained robot, Bronn the Bold?

You mean besides Black Swan: The Party Game? People stopped wanting to play Truth or Dare with me somewhere around the turn of the century, after I told over 400 people something Grover Norquist whispered into my ear about the estate tax on a dare. The Cheney family used to get together to play Truth or Dare, but so many people would come out of the closet during a typical game that it started making more sense to force people to admit they were straight. As for Bronn and Shae's cute game with their master: never Power Hour with the people you work with.

Did you escape combat in Vietnam much the same way that Tyrion escaped the sights, sounds, and smells of war near the Twins?

If your point was to remind me of my draft dodging, consider it a win. I spent most of Vietnam living it up - after all, I knew the next four decades of my life would elapse without my hair.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording and is regarded by some experts as Alan Sepinwall's baldest enemy. You can find last week's Game of Thrones recap here.

"Shadow, Follow Me" - Centro-matic (mp3)

"If They Talk You Down" - Centro-matic (mp3)

"Sordid States" - Centro-matic (mp3)

The new album from Will Johnson's Centro-matic is called Candidate Waltz, and it comes out from Undertow Music on June 21. You can pre-order it here.