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A Trip To Disneyland...Without Leaving My Apartment
by BEN LAMBERT
I went to Disneyland today. My roomate Reg Tigerman came along with me. I didn't pay to get in and didn't get a sunburn. All in all it was splendid day at the happiest place on earth.
9:30 AM - Los Feliz
We hop in the car and embark on the highway toward the land of happiness.
10:30 AM - Tomorrowland
We decide to start our journey off with a bang on the always spectacular Space Mountain. Our excitement is hindered somewhat by the fact that Goofy and Company make us wear nightvision goggles...Oh Well.
10:45 AM - Tomorrowland
Feeling splendid from our space odyssey, my accomplice and I decide to enter the always dated Star Tours.
11:03 AM - Tomorrowland
Alright! They brought back Captain Eo!!! Disneyland rules!
11:40 AM - Tomorrowland
Time to check out the new Finding Nemo Submarine Ride!
12:01 PM - Adventureland
Tomorrowland is joyous, but I've always preferred Adventureland myself. Inspired by Michael Jackson and George Lucas, Reg and I decide to ride Indiana Jones. Animatronic Harrison Ford is faster and way more active than Crystal Skull Harrison Ford.
12:15 PM - Adventureland
As hunger sets in, we walk 12 feet to our fridge and bake frozen pizzas from Trader Joe's. I didn't know they had one at Disneyland.
12:40 PM - Adventureland
The only way to follow-up a good meal, is on the always enjoyable Jungle Cruise.
1:03 PM - Adventureland
Due to the sweltering conditions of our apartment (cough, Disneyland) we decide to partake in an icy beverage outside of the Tiki Room. We blend pineapple juice, ice, and pineapple/coconut ice cream. Quite refreshing.
We enter the Tiki Room, and enjoy the racist extravaganza.
1:41 PM - Frontierland
Having had enough of magnificent Adventureland, Reg and I decide to enter the frontier. Our first stop is Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Hope we don't die!
1:58 PM - Frontierland
We survived the death train!!! To the updated Tom Sawyer island. Huzzah!!
2:45 PM - Toontown
Forget it Reg, this slummy Gooftown is for junkies.
nixon and walt disney, 1959
2:57 PM - New Orleans Square
Woot! I love New Orleans Square. Weary from our travels, we decide to hop on the Pirates of the Caribbean Ride.
3:20 PM - New Orleans Square
Robot Johnny Depp is a creep. Time for the Haunted Mansion.
3:52 PM - New Orleans Square
Try to break into Club 33 to no avail...Disney pigs on our trail.
4:01 PM - Fantasyland
Fantastical indeed. First stop...Matterhorn!
4:23 PM - Fantasyland
Now that we've had our brush with death, it's time for some peaceful rides...How about Mr. Toad!!!
4:40 PM - Fantasyland
Woo!! Mr Toad!!!! Alice In Wonderland time!!!
4:57 PM - Fantasyland
Reg really wants to go on the tea cups. I think it's a terrible idea. We get so dizzy that he appears to be a young Asian girl.
5:03 PM - Fantasyland
Stomach ache from teacups. Feeling dizzy. Maybe dizziness is from hunger. More Trader Joe's frozen pizzas.
5:18 PM - Fantasyland
Feeling a bit lactose intolerant, I decide we should ride the most racially intolerant ride of all, It's A Small World.
5:45 PM - Fantasyland
Terrible headache. No need to ride anything else here.
5:52 PM - Critter Country
Ah, Critter County. Home to so much joy. Lord knows that joy only lies in one ride. Racism Mountain...I mean, Splash Mountain!
6:15 PM - Main Street U.S.A.
Reg insists on Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln. He doesn't realize it's been closed for 7 years. Ignoring all warning signs, he still attempts to break in. It turns out, Abraham is still regailing. I find this creepy. Reg is inspired.
6:27 PM - Main Street U.S.A.
Reg is in the custody of Disney Police. He tried to emancipate animatronic Lincoln from Disney slavery.
7:00 PM - Main Street U.S.A.
I help Reg escape Disney jail by yelling fire. Figuring a crowded area would be the best place to hide from the Disney pigs, we wander to the Electrical Light Parade.
7:25 PM - Main Street U.S.A.
Walt's coppers are everwhere. Block is hot. Make a break for the frontier.
7:42 PM - Frontierland
Fantasmic!!! Never was a big fan, but gotta blend into the crowd somehow.
8:30 PM - Parking Lot
Disguised as Mickey and Goofy, we make a run for it all the way back to our car.
8:45 PM - Freeway
Ah, the open road. Nothing like driving a million miles per hour after a day at Disneyland!!!
Ben Lambert is This Recording's Jungle Cruise Guide.
"One Day Without Harming You (Machinefabriek remix)" — Dakota Suite (mp3)
"Things We Lost Along the Way (Loscil remix)" — Dakota Suite (mp3)
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