In Which Jesus Is The Best Candidate For Our Threesome

Sex With Christians

Ted Haggard came to me in a dream last night. Once I couldn't stand the sight of him. He now appeared to be truly Godlike and glowing with joy.

"What is it?" I asked. "Did you get The Good News?"

"Yes," he said, smiling radiantly, "last night while my wife and I made love for the 16th time this week." (It was only Monday but FYI time isn't real in dreams.) "And you could have that, too. But you must return to the Church and repent all your damnable sins."

He vanished like a wizard and I woke up soon after. Could it be true? I recalled seeing an interview with Ted Haggard prior to his experimentation with male prostitutes. He was standing right outside of his church, preaching about how Evangelicals really do do it better.

Ted even took it upon himself to interview men from his church outside.

"Let's say, out of 100 times when you have sex with your wife, what percentage does she climax?" he asked.

"Every one," they answered.

After feeling a pull towards spirituality and religion as of late, I've been forced to ask myself if this is why. Does every God of every major religion tell us to wait until marriage to engage in carnal activity for a reason? Could it be true that Evangelicals do have the best sex out of any group? How do they measure these skills anyway? Is God the judge?

I used to attend a church where everything was made public to the rest of the congregation, no matter how humiliating. One evening I ended up learning about one of my fellow churchgoers' addiction to internet porn, as well as his sexual encounters with his girlfriend in his parents' car. At the end of his confession we all clapped and went up to the stage to pray over him.

This was all very commonplace in my church. All of us young, unwed folk were so committed to our purity that the one girl who admitted to having "made out" with a boy was called a slut (and we would never have to justify using such a word).

Not too long ago I worked with a girl who had hair that was near-ankle-length and never wore makeup. I never thought much about it until word got around the workplace that she was heavy into G.O.D.

Being the atheist-turned-Christian-turned-skeptic that I am, I had to interrogate her.

I found out that she had only completed grade school, and was home schooled, at that. I knew that her dream life was the married life, with Jesus as the third-wheel. She told me she couldn't wait to be a trophy wife,and to have dinner on the table for her hard-working husband every day at 6 p.m.

After talking to her best friend Rebekah I learned this dream was not uncommon at all, but rather instilled in these women from when they were mere infants. Rebekah had recently gotten engaged and could not stop talking about finally being able to sweep the dust away from between her legs. She was going to start taking the pill 6 months prior to her wedding, which showed just how little she had been taught about birth control at the private Christian school she attended, before she also dropped out.

How could it be possible that devout Christian couples could learn so much from one another only after their wedding night?

Then I discovered these alternate interpretations of Bible verses meant to "aid" Christian men in pleasing their wives.

As if that wasn't kinky enough for me, I think I hit the jackpot when I found this for Bible thumpin' women who are just very in love with their husbands. This site includes an extensive list of Christian-friendly sex positions, with detailed instructions written by the very puritanical wives who have tried them. How could I not be envious? After all, what could be a better threesome than a man & wife and their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

Look no further. If you are having trouble with your sex life, forget 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover; try these instead.