In Which Dexter Divorces His Sister For Good

Dead Already

by DICK CHENEY

Dexter
creator James Manos Jr.

It was an awkward situation, on a number of levels, when the titular character of Showtime's long-running serial killer comedy Dexter found his sister Deborah (Jennifer Carpenter) watching him stick a knife in the chest of Colin Hanks.

The most obvious discomfort arose from the fact that Deborah Morgan, head of Miami metro's homicide division now knew her brother was the fabled Bay Harbor Butcher, the killer of killers, murderer of murderers. The second level of disgust was that Ms. Carpenter was witnessing the finest performance of her ex-husband Michael C. Hall's career.

ew. gross. stop.

If you were not previously familiar with Michael C. Hall as the simpering brother of the worst actor in the universe, Peter Krause, on HBO's Six Feet Under, you would be forgiven for thinking he was the bloodthirsty blood spatter analyst for the police, so completely is Hall subsumed in the role. Granted, the part isn't exactly Richard III, although I would certainly pay my money to watch Hall take a crack at that, too.

Now that Dexter's sister-wife is onto him, she is going through the twelve stages of grief. I can identify with what she is experiencing because America just elected a guy whose chief qualification for the highest office in the land is the number of different anecdotes he unfurls on Leno and Letterman. Karl Rove lied to me.

brb getting my lawyer to improve my spousal support

At first Deborah Morgan focused on preventing her brother-husband from killing anyone else. This resolves soon dims to, in one hilarious scene, begging him not to interfere in police investigations. She makes Dexter promise, and after he agrees she says, "Are you lying to me right now?" "I don't know," he responds. (Expecting candor from a serial killer is of course a metaphorical analog for the IRL expectation of fidelity from a popular actor. Carpenter sued for spousal support, he got a new girlfriend who appears only slightly less annoying than his last.)

Jennifer Carpenter examines her ex-husband during her scenes with him as an eagle responds to a particularly runty member of her offspring before swallowing it whole. Because the distrust she shows for him is so real it on some level cannot be hidden through Stanislavsky's method, Dexter has become half drama, half true-to-life reality show. Some of the scenes between the two are so tense the possibility of sex between brother and sister (Dexter was adopted) is as plausible as cold-blooded murder. It's an exciting time.

they found out paula broadwell googled "Fucking a general"

Finely tuning the reaction of the most important person in his life to Dexter's obsession was not an easy task. Yes, Dexter takes lives on a fairly routine basis. Yes, wikipedia is the main resource providing evidence for his kills ("I googled poison! She's guilty!). On the other hand, if the general public were ever actually made aware of all the unbelievably nice things Dexter has done for the state of Florida, he'd be the most popular man in the state behind Marco Rubio. (I am not totally sure what stage of grief I am in now, but I am completely open to Latino options, that much is certain.)

Dexter's reaction to Deborah's reaction is itself complicated. He is very happy his sister finally knows him for who he is, because before now the possibility of anyone accepting his true self was merely a temporary fantasy certain to end in their death. But he also knows he cannot stop killing, and Deborah's involvement in his somewhat off-the-cuff plans, what I call killcations, complicates matters more than he would like. The real-life and fake-life conflict between the two has completely invigorated the show after a somewhat dull Sixth Sense-esque season in which Edward James Olmos fell asleep during one of his own scenes.

OKcupid profile reads, "Best feature: flaring nostrils, worst feature, dental hygiene"

As Dexter's seventh season continues, it has introduced Chuck's Yvonne Strahovski, an Australian actress who portrays a Bonnie-type character finally met up with Dexter's Clyde. After learning of this lovely woman's murderous ways (she uses roughly the same weaps as Poison Ivy), Dexter plans to murder her in Miami's only makeshift Santa's Village. "Do what you gotta do," she whispers to him. Instead of stabbing her, he cuts off the packaging tape binding her and has unprotected sex on his killing table while fake snow descends around them. Yvonne's teeth are the tragedy that makes her advances towards our hero completely resistible; her guilt and lack of compunction for her crimes are the nudge that tips the needle back in the other direction.

It was always thought that Dexter would have to, at some point, be caught. It is presumably how the show will end, and indeed there is such a preponderance of evidence against him that it is almost an inside joke no one has even so much looked in his direction for some time. The African-American officer who he framed for about forty murders and imprisoned in a cage is now many seasons dead. Race is an issue that hovers at the edge of Dexter, since if he were to demographically target those who commit violent crimes, he would surely find himself killing his share of Latino and black men.

There is one Latino male in the entire department and he frequents prostitutes and can't keep custody of his children. The black guy died.

Instead, the individuals Dexter targets are overwhelmingly white. The reason is for this is obvious: if Dexter hewed closer to reality, he would not only subtly seem like a white supremacist, but he would be dealing out justice for crimes that occur in urban areas and are somewhat less clear morally. Dexter himself has already proved that even killers can be sympathetic if their stories are presented in the right light; after all, the Navy Seals and the president who killed Osama Bin Laden have done nothing but brag about it since.

"Let's have them talk on the phone as much as possible." "Roger that."One thing you rarely see in Dexter is the inside of a prison. The staggering number of incarcerated individuals is the chief way the crime rate became so low this past decade. Jailing criminals is effective at preventing crime, we can be relatively sure, but the financial cost is absolutely enormous. It impairs the government's ability to fund a public television station that, despite costing millions to a country that can't afford it, is apparently the justification some need to steal wealthy people's incomes.

The approach Dexter wields to the problem of crime is actually far more humane. If someone has committed a crime that deserves death, Dexter provides it for them in as painless a fashion as possible. If the individual involved does not at that moment deserve death, Dexter allows them to go on living, but he will often tail them in his car until he can get more evidence, or enter their name in AskJeeves and nod approvingly at the results.

"Deb, you obviously didn't see 'That Thing You Do'."

In practice, this could be accomplished with a simple monitoring bracelet instead of degrading imprisonment. If the shame and anger we felt when Dexter imprisoned Doakes is any indication, savages jail their ne'er do wells, civilized people either kill them or fine them a sum appropriate to their offense. Instead of paying to house and feed the worst elements in our society and creating monsters in the process, we could be letting them go free, watching them closely, and spending the money on more important things, like diplomatic protection for honorary generals and airtight security while the president plays another round of golf.

In the meantime, Guantanamo continues operating. The left is more concerned with a secession movement than reforming the justice system. Holding anyone accountable except for the businesses that create actual jobs is anathema to them. Sending Michael C. Hall just a few miles south to Cuba remains the most cost-effective option.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here. He last wrote in these pages about Downton Abbey.

"Weird Friends (We Don't Even Live Here)" - P.O.S. (mp3)

"Lockpicks, Knives, Bricks and Bats" - P.O.S. (mp3)

In Which We Hate The Way We're Speaking To Each Other

Post Mortem

by DICK CHENEY

It's not polite to say who died on Downton Abbey. Most people don't even know. Their lives haven't changed as a result. We love people, especially wealthy individuals, in the specifics, since we sense we may become them. In the abstract, they disappoint us.

this guy

My other favorite show is Sons of Anarchy. Except for the Exorcist-like horror involved in watching Gemma Teller (Katey Segal) have sex scenes with Jimmy Smits, who plays a pimp on the show, it's fantastic. I spent the entire hour flexing my knuckles and lamenting that I'm too old to get on a bike. It would probably end more like this:

The first rule about Fight Club is that you never get on a motorcycle with someone wearing a Duke t-shirt. But we were talking about the death of Opie.

It's impossible to connect the phenomenon of a maudlin young motorcyclist (Ryan Hurst) dying in prison to save his boyfriend with the economy, except to say that watching the members of the MC mourn their large, closeted friend, all I could think of was how much money they saved on the funeral by having it themselves.

basically, your father is an idiot Lady Mary

I was gchatting with someone the other day who was telling me how boring they find scripted television. I explained that was probably because they couldn't see the sychronicity between Branson putting his wife between himself and the British government, and the president doing the exact same thing with Hillary Clinton.

She signed off in a huff and e-mailed me the entire Supreme Court opinion on Roe v. Wade. Having friends on the other side of the aisle is like being married to Lady Mary (tell me when you tire of these comparisons). Everything they think of is completely without regard for the economic realities of the world.

I can't even imagine what it would be like to gchat with Matthew Crawley, probably like sucking on a tootsie roll pop that has asparagus at its center.

branson, you disgust me

No one has done more to diminish the cause of Irish independence than Julian Fellowes. I haven't been this mad since South Park eclipsed the boundaries of bad taste and did a storyline making fun of how Bane sounded in The Dark Knight Rises.

Sorry, my mind is wandering a lot lately. It's a function of old age, and the relentless attacks on Mormonism in the mainstream media. I really don't understand this. One group of people believes in a supernatural human being who is supposed to return to Earth and save the world, and another believes a slightly different version of this myth, but is absolutely crazy for thinking this way.

The only thing worse than that is how many times I'll be writing, "The only thing worse than that" in this essai. The only thing worse than that, though, is how every single joke on Mike & Molly is still about how fat the male in the relationship is. It's bullying, and I find it disgusting. That's his natural build.

buy a large bed please

Doesn't it feel like they're making the bed look especially tiny? My only real problem with scripted television is that every single person on it is completely caucausian. Last night I found myself rewinding the trailer for Alex Cross just to interject a little diversity in my existence. The idea of Tyler Perry as a hardboiled cop hunting Jack Shephard from Lost is beyond my dreams. It makes me think of a Jhumpa Lahiri short story, that's how completely amazing it is.

the answer to Lost was a bright light coming out of a cave. Never forget.

Once I was in a country club where the hazing ritual involved watching all of the Madea movies in chronological sequence while you kept getting messages on your phone saying, "They passed another tax on capital gains!" The fact that no one finds it the least bit strange that Matthew Fox could convincingly play a serial killer should tell us something.

"Brickleberry"

The mere idea of Lost usually reduces me to tears. To cheer myself up I watch this show Brickleberry, which takes place in a national park. The point of Brickleberry is to be offensive, and make jokes about subjects that other shows won't touch. In theory this is an interesting concept but (1) Family Guy has been on the air for over two decades and (2) 90 percent of the jokes are simple racism. (The black character is named Denzel. Haha. Get it? If you don't, you're a fucking square.) (The other ten percent of the jokes are about women and gays.)

You start to understand why my liberal gchat friend hates scripted television. That is, until you watch the finest show airing on any network, The Thick Of It.

Malcolm Tucker and Rebecca Front on "The Thick Of It"

You know how Parks & Recreation pretends to be a show about politics, but is really just a larger forum for the writers of the show to copy down all the funny jokes they read on the internet and have comedians act them out? I can't believe they did an entire election storyline with Leslie Knope, and then occupied her time with solving the obesity problem in Pawnee and feuding over a bathroom. Not even I have that little faith in government.

Ben and December

Here is what all the punchlines on Parks & Recreation revolve around: Leslie is energetic, Ron eats free-range meat, Chris is depressed, Andy is stupid, April is a bitch, Adam Scott has a large head for his body.

You know, it's okay to have a person who has more than one aspect to his personality. It's called a fully-fleshed out character; the show's writers might have seen it in passing during the ninety seconds a day they peel their heads away from their iPhones. The only thing more embarrassing than this season of Parks & Recreation is having to read pathetic Emily Nussbaum essais about how much she worships Amy Poehler or how she doesn't want Parenthood to get canceled. Grow up.

Peter Mannion's aides on 'The Thick Of It'

I guess now that I am "retired", politics just bores me. Art lasts for a substantial duration, blog posts slightly less long. Does anyone remember the Whigs? Or what a dick Andrew Jackson was? I can't muster the energy. It's easier to just look to television for escape. That's why there is no better place to rest your head than the considerable problems of the British.

Unfortunately, most of middle America can't understand a single word said in Malcolm Tucker's Scottish accent, so they watch The Walking Dead instead.
 

The only thing worse than that is. There are people everywhere, when I wake. I have no right to judge them. Wake me up after the election.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here. He last wrote in these pages about intercourse between Lady Mary and Matthew Crawley.

"Fear Is A Man's Best Friend" - Field Music (mp3)

"Heart" - Field Music (mp3)

In Which We Are Prisoner In Downton Abbey

Mourning Sex

by DICK CHENEY

Downton Abbey
creator Julian Fellowes

For the most part, two people always belong together. Sometimes, they do not, and whenever you see them, you know it. Instead of getting that sticky, reassuring feeling on your right hand, you get that nauseous, disgusting feeling in your mouth and anus. Once when I was campaigning in New York I saw Lindsay Lohan with her tongue on a pole like in A Christmas Story. That was the only time I can recall there being a grey area.

For many months, I can admit that I did want Matthew Crawley and Lady Mary to get together. I hated Matthew's wan, blonde girlfriend Lavinia. She had no hobbies except for staring at Matthew and she seemed vaguely embarassed to be taking up with a barrister. Her hair was a fucking disaster. I'm pretty sure she gave Sir Richard Carlisle a blowjob in his office. She was not the right woman for Matthew, but now I can conclude that neither is Lady Mary.

the saddest honeymoon wardrobe in all of England!

If you have someone upstanding in the culture, their partner must in some way bring them down to earth, degrade them. Matthew cannot possibly degrade anything. When he urinates, it's absolutely clear even if he is dehydrated at the time. (The English make a point of drinking water only in tea, grapes, or pastries.) Lady Mary's sexual history consists of a brief run in the sack with a Turkish prince. She can hardly have asked any probing questions about the act while her mouth was bound.

Downton Abbey barely addressed Mary's past sexual history at all. When Matthew is overly chatty in the bedroom, Lady Mary is like, "Go on then and kiss me before I get cross." Jeez, Mary you're in your underwear, I would hope you don't have to ask your new husband to show you affection. (Unless "cross" is a British euphemism for lesbian?) "It still feels wrong to be in your bed," Matthew tells her the next morning. Uh-huh.

you taste like old money, Lady Mary

Here are some of the grim facts about the lovemaking of Lady Mary and Sir Matthew Crawley of Downton Abbey:

- He places a single box of Juicy Juice by the bedside to replenish his fluids

- He can't say the word sex, because it's been mixed up into too many legal definitions in his work. He says "lovemaking," or on rare, less formal occasions, "fisting."

- He refers to cunnilingus as "sawing down the old tree."

- Instead of using a safe word, Lady Mary tosses a scone in the air when she feels uncomfortable.

scones all over the floor

- He shakes the loose bodies in his elbows (gained in combat during WWI) around like maracas during orgasm.

- Lady Mary's keenest delight is licking the blister on his writing hand.

- He is vaguely unsure of the meaning of the word "poignant," so after orgasm he looks out at the lawn and says, "Very poignant lovemaking, Lady Mary." Or, "Very poignant fisting, Mary." (It is customary to omit the title in such circumstances.)

more excited for the car than anything

Whenever I see these two lovebirds onscreen, I audibly gag. They are wrong for each other. It's a Jodie Foster/Hotel New Hampshire situation all over again. I didn't realize it because the macabre cloud that was Lavinia Swire obscured and obstructed my view of the truth. There is romantic love, and there is familial love, and these two have got it completely mixed up which is which.

Perhaps their relationship could approach a kind of realism if it were not for the issue of money. Downton Abbey is suffering from deep financial losses, and will have to be sold. Matthew Crawley has, at the same time, inherited his second massive fortune as a result of an outbreak of malaise in the Swire family. There should be conflict, because he refuses to give any of it to his own family. His wife naturally wants him to use the influx to save Downton, but he refuses out of principle.

Matthew's attitude does seem slightly ungrateful, because the Crawley family was legally forced to give all their money to him. When they had it. There's a joke about the amount of money Joe Biden gives to charity here, but I'm determined to rise above all that.

The take-away is, Downton will have to be sold. Such a state of unrest has pitted a variety of allies against each other, mostly in the serving quarters. The message seems to be that while the upper classes come together in times of tragedy, the servant class is undone, like watching their parents get divorced.

lady edith and sir anthony strallon sharing a joke about croutons

But who cares about all that, when there is the burgeoning relationship between Lady Edith and Sir Anthony Strallon to think about? The only thing better than having Lady Edith give chaste kisses to a guy with his arm in the sling was watching her break up other's people's marriages. I'm not sure what the end of the story is here - possibly Sir Anthony Strallon will reveal his first wife's body, laid out on his bed like a mummy. Maybe he collects them, I don't know.

The important thing is that Shirley MacLaine is finally off the show. Her rude-American act was so completely over the top it was impossible to buy into at any point. She offers Lady Mary vacations in Newport and New York, as if anyone could seriously vacation in Newport after living at Downton Abbey. There is no American, no matter how rich or uncouth, who could upset the Downton apple cart. The whole thing just made me think less of everyone, like when I saw Jeff Kent and the girl from The Facts of Life on Survivor.

NEVER speak that way about Lord Grantham again

Still, those are the only bad things on Downton Abbey. For the most part the show is on far better footing than it was when Matthew was magically rising from his wheelchair at the end of last season. The vignettes concerning Bates' stay in prison are absolutely hilarious; Dickens has never been satirized so completely or well.

An entire season of making us think that Bates may have actually murdered his wife should have really been spun off into A Great Escape-type TV movie. The problem with that would be they would have to cast more than one other prisoner. After learning of Downton's imminent financial collapse, Bates is so shocked he says, "I wouldn't have thought anything could touch me in here." Bates, there's one other prisoner and he's deathly afraid of you. Your wife comes to see you every other day, this is not exactly Riker's Island.

might be time to finally read that book Moseley gave you

What Downton has never had, and what it requires now, are children. The problem is that all of the Crawleys are in some significant way impotent. Why else should there be such a paucity of heirs? The TV ratings of any show will drop if you don't refresh the world with some new blood, and they have dropped in the case of Downton Abbey, proving once and for all that it's always dangerous to remind any empire of its own mortality.

This could have all been avoided if Sir Richard Carlisle had just been a teensy bit smoother. All he had to do was publish an article in his newspaper about how marrying your cousin is wrong, for example, and casually had Lady Mary read it at morning meal. For some very unlucky people, life seems like an elongated breakfast.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording. He is the former vice president of the United States and a writer living in an undisclosed location. You can find an archive of his writing on This Recording here. He last wrote in these pages about Boardwalk Empire.

poring over the Kama Sutra

"Revenge of the Flowers" - Malcolm McLaren (mp3)

"In the Absence of the Parisienne" - Malcolm McLaren (mp3)

he looks like a mole